My mom with dementia wants to have cosmetic surgery on her eyes now. How do I handle this with her?

This is unethical and shame on the doctor.

That's a very good point. I hadn't thought of it that way but it makes sense. Similar to her wanting to buy a pontoon boat. No way could she ever drive or park a boat, or even get on the thing.

It's sad, really. On some level they must know they are slipping mentally.

Does your mom live around you now? I too was long distance for many years, and now know lots of what I saw was early dementia too. I just didn't realize it at the time, and NEVER EVER wanted this to happen to her.

I know what you mean. My mom is a chronic complainer too. And conversations are very one sided, repetitive and basically there is nothing enjoying about it. I know she can't help it, but that doesn't change the fact that it's hard to tolerate. But I feel so guilty if I don't see her pretty much every day. Keeping visits as short as I can is essential for my own mental health. I almost feel guilty saying that because I know some here have it so much worse, but this has been a massive shock to my system and life. I went from long distance, with several visits a year, to this.

I'm learning to be okay with lying so I can get time "off". In fact I just did it. I told her I would be gone for awhile with my husband going to look for garden supplies (which doesn't interest her) but in reality we are going out to lunch. If I told her the truth she would definitely try to come with us. Sorry not this time.

She sometimes has trouble with her phone. Before she moved here I would call and call and so much of the time my calls would go to voice mail. She always had an excuse, but I saw a definite pattern emerging. A couple calls, fine, it's in another room, whatever. But this became a constant, and I finally got very firm with her and said I needed to be able to reach her. I thought then that she was just being forgetful and even selfish because she knew I checked in often. Now that she's here I know it was the dementia. She can still use it though, and will make calls when she deems them important.

Funny thing is- she has me make most all of her doctors appointments, or any calls involving utilities or businesses. She claims she "can't talk" (blaming the old aphasia) but she didn't ask me to make the call to the plastic surgeon. Or her nail appointments. She is obsessed with getting her nails done every two weeks.

Every day I am amazed at how strange this disease can be. Before we went over last eve, she broke a glass shelf. I never could figure out how she broke it but she told me she cleaned it up. I asked her if she swept too using the vacuum. She said yes. Well when I went over I could see there were still glass shards so I cleaned it up again, and then said I was going to vacuum again to make sure it was all up. She told me she didn't have a vacuum. I got it out of the closet and said yeah, here it is.

Is it normal for people to go in and out of dementia spells?

Anyway, I don't think she is ready for a care home yet. At this stage she would absolutely refuse anyway and HATE me for even considering it. But down the road when she can no longer do ADLs that will change. I'm not feeding and changing diapers or staying with her 24/7.

I'm expecting a dementia diagnosis after she is seen by the neurologist, and then I think I will do what you suggested. I will tell the plastic surgeon about the dementia, and I will feel legally justified with the official diagnosis.

Agree with you on the driving. This is one of the MANY reasons getting the diagnosis with this new neurologist is so important to me. I need to have important conversations with her but she will deny dementia until she sees the actual diagnosis. Good suggestion on calling the insurance company, I hadn't thought of that. I was already planning to call the DMV and do an anonymous report.

The appointment is March 26 and it can't come soon enough.

Does your FIL complain when you want to leave? My mom does, especially if my husband isn't there to hear it because he's already ahead of me.

She was pissed I left after three hours last night. That alone triggers me. I don't really want to be there AT ALL, given I see her all the time, but it's never enough.

I don't think that would be a good idea, because then she would still go, expecting it to happen. That's not something I would do behind her back. The only thing (so far) that I do "behind her back" is talking to the neurology staff prior to her upcoming appointment.

I just have to be firm with her on this, as hard as it is due to our old dynamics.

Thanks Country. I'm not going to go with her to the consult she scheduled. The doctor will have to be a complete idiot not to see her deficits. I also plan to tell her ahead of time I don't agree with this and I'm not taking her to have it done.

Maybe I'll tell her to call my do-nothing sister to come into town and take her? Man I'm feeling pissy today. I need to get out for a walk.

That's what I'm going to do Barb-- refuse to participate. It's one thing to take her to necessary appointments, which I do. But this is ridiculous.

She would need someone to drive her home. She's assuming I will do it. She will find out very soon that I am not. But what gets to me more than anything is not the inconvenience of it, but the insanity of the decision.

And yes she will be livid. That's been her MO my whole life. If I don't do as she demands, she gets very mean and nasty. In the past this would trigger me so much. In fact I often complied just to avoid her wrath. But I just can't be that way anymore. But man those old buttons she can still push amaze me.

Thanks for the support. This forum has turned into a life line for me. Vast majority on here are incredible so thank you.

She already made the appointment. And it's not for cataracts, she already had that done a few years ago and her vision is good. It's purely cosmetic and totally unnecessary. There is nothing wrong with the way her eyes look.

I'm at that weird place with my mom where her executive functioning is clearly going down hill, but she is still able to drive, make phone calls, and is as stubborn as a mule, even when it doesn't make sense.