Nervous about my mom's upcoming neurology appointment, I know she's going to try and bluff the new doctor. What to do?

A good friend told me her mom would sit behind her husband, who had dementia, in the room while the doctor asked questions.  The mom would shake/nod her head to the questions the doctor was asking her husband.  The husband had no idea she was doing that and the doctor was able to get some honest answers.  Of course this won't work with every question but it might help.  She also had pre-written notes to give the doctor and she either handed them to the nurse on the sly or emailed them in before the appointment so the doctor could review them.  Best of luck.

Exhausted, just talk to the nurse when she calls. Ask her to give the doctor a heads-up. Try to cite specifics that lead you to think your mother has cognitive issues. Be concise. Be factual. Remember that this isn't the first rodeo for the doctors --- particularly the neurologists. The medical staff can't give you information if they don't have your mother's permission, but you can give them all the information you want to. You aren't doing anything wrong or sneaky. In fact, you are doing your mother a kindness by helping her doctors understand her needs, and you are doing the medical staff a favor by alerting them to objective facts. I had to do it with my mother's doctors; many people on the forum mention similar circumstances.

Make an appointment with an elder attorney ASAP. Attorneys are able to determine whether or not the person in front of them understands the legal ramifications of the legal papers they are signing. Get all of her important paperwork done such as living will, will, and durable POA both medical and financial.

In fact, I'd bring up the legal paperwork with her neurologist tomorrow. You may have to be blunt and say that you moved her in next door to you but that you cannot be expected to take on the responsibility of caregiving for her without the authority especially not if dementia is on the horizon. Insist on not being kept in the dark.

The doctor can take charge, and ask you to come in the room, saying, " come on,
we need you in here!"

If the doctor is getting nowhere with a cognitively challenged patient, they will often come and get you.

This is something you can ask the nurse.

She can hear okay. I am still going to try and walk in with her, but if she tries to stop me I will not make an issue of it.

I'm waiting by my phone now so I don't miss the call from the nurse, and I will have things written down for the doctor. I think that's all I can do right now. Hopefully the doctor can offer some guidance. My mom can't fake as good as she thinks anymore anyway. I ignored lots of red flags in recent years but that was more my own denial as a defense mechanism because this is my mother, but this doctor won't have my emotional handicaps so should recognize things.

Thanks for your response. I know I ramble a lot on this site because I am still struggling to accept all this and I'm still so afraid of the future. One of the things I know I need is to have a good neurologist on board and this appointment is the first step. I wish I didn't feel so anxious about it.

YES! for 2 years. My mom is still in denial. Sometimes I think she forgets she has a problem. Just recently, she has started saying things like "you know how my memory is..." She won't see the neurologist any more, because he took away her drivers license. She blames me for taking her, and refuses to go back. Her doctor explained all about what was going on (vascular dementia) and then she just forgot it. So, try not to stress about it, learn to roll with the punches (this takes time and I'm not that good at it either)and remember you have to find a balance in living with yourself, and living with your parent who is living with this crappy disease. I wish you the best.

Dear Exhausted Piper,
I moved my 85 yr. old mother in with me in March of 2018 after my dad passed away in October of 2017. I had mom evaluated by the insurance company that I set up for her shortly after moving in with me and learned she had already been suffering short-term memory loss, which truly upset her to the point of tears. When the evaluator told her, she began to start crying and I immediately asked her, what's your mother's name? She replied correctly and, I told her, You remember what is important and nobody cares about a hamburger, peach and a pencil. That comment lightened the situation and I gave her a hug.
Later last year on October 20th, I took my mom to the movies and noticed she was quietly but repeatedly asking me the name of the movie. I simply responded each time and figured she may have been tired and that is what caused the excessive questioning. However, when we exited the theater, she asked me where the woman whom brought her there was and if dad was back at the house sleeping. She was also referring to people and family members who were clearly not there and deceased. When I explained that I was the one whom brought her, she replied, "No, you met us here." I asked her if she knew who I was, and she replied, "Of course I do, you're XXX." Mom thought I was her sister, whom died more than 15 years prior and I realized later that the dad she was referring to was her own.
I took her to dinner thinking that perhaps she was tired but, strange and inaccurate comments and questions continued. When we got home, I called her doctor and could not get an appointment early enough. I kept correcting mom in the beginning but there was no rationalizing with her - she was in denial and utterly confused. She did not remember my dad passing and refused to believe it. Everything coming out of her mouth was a confused fantasy and inaccuracies.
I ended up telling her the following morning that I'd heard from dad but he did not tell me where he was and simply gave me an address we had to go to. Of course, it was a made up plan for me to get mom to the emergency room of a neighborhood hospital. Her doctor could not see her fast enough and I knew something was seriously wrong.
A nurse evaluated her upon arriving and they admitted her immediately. I stayed with mom in the hospital because I did not want her to be frightened or further confused. A CT scan, head x-ray and other tests revealed that mom had suffered minor strokes, which affected her brain. The strokes basically launched her into moderate stage dementia within the span of a movie.
When they released her, they basically sent us home with no preparation for me on how to deal with someone whom had dementia. I went out of my mind for a few days until I arranged for an aide to come in and help me. No one in the hospital told mom that she had dementia - they told me.
After the hospital, I took her to a different neurologist because I found the ones in the hospital to be inadequate and dismissive. I went to that appointment with her and the aide. When mom asked me why she was there, I explained that it was just a check up to make sure she was okay and that I was being checked out too. I took steps to speak to the doctor, nurses and any assistant(s) so that they would not say the word "dementia" in front of her because mom was not aware or accepting of it. Thankfully, with a lot of work on my part, they complied. I did not allow them to speak to her without me in the room.
Once the dementia meds kicked in, things got a little better but, of course, dementia is not curable. I downloaded a book from Amazon called "The 36-Hour Day" as well as others to help me become more enlightened. The underlying advice in most seemed to be, keep them calm, happy and safe. Don't point mistakes or inaccuracies to them if it makes them feel bad or unsafe. Pick your moments. Some moments may be more lucid than others. .

Piper,

Sendhelp has a good point if you can just get mom to her appointment would be a good start and like she stated it is hard to fool a specialist!

when my mother went for geriatric evaluation, they actually gave her memory tests. When they evaluated her for memory care, again it was a test, a series of questions . They’ve seen it all before and know . If she can fool them , she probably isn't that bad yet. She can try , but she won’t succeed lol!
With her, they did want to evaluate her alone because otherwise they look to the family for cues. It’s hard not to pipe up with the correct answer so if she doesn’t know , just smile or don’t look at her, ie pretend you are looking at your phone or something.

There is nothing wrong with you giving the doctor a head's up ahead of time via his nurse and in writing. The office will be used to seniors who 'fake it' and need input from family so they know when the senior is blowing smoke.

I worked in medical offices for years and it was amazing the 'stories' a patient would tell us, thinking they could pull the wool over our eyes.

I see it with my Dad, who is doing incredibly well at age 90. All his shoes are slip on, because he cannot bend down to do up laces anymore. If bits of paper fall to the floor, he cannot pick them up. He has a gripper tool for larger items, but it does not work for flat paper. Dad's long term memory is incredible, but he sometimes gets words like Yesterday and Tomorrow mixed up. He knows what he means, just cannot find the correct word.