Call APS on Mom?

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MaryFromFlorida Asked March 2019

Call APS on Mom?

My mother has Alzheimer's and aphasia. The nuerologist I took her to says she's needs to be in assisted living. My mother refuses to go so I hired a care giver to come to her house three times a week while making plans for her to stay with my sister. My sister lives alone while I still have children at home with me. My sister's HOA won't accept more than 2 dogs and she has a dog. So my mother who has a dog used the care giver to get a rescue dog. Now she can't move in with my sister. She made me terminate the care giver. She wants me to go to her house every day, which is difficult. So she gets mad and brings the neighbors into her home, and of course they are horrified by her living conditions. They called me out on social media accusing me of neglect. I don't know what to do. She refuses to give me power of attorney. The doctors bring it up every visit and she gets very nasty about it. I thought about getting guardianship, but in Florida it can cost up to $7,000. She is a mean person, always has been. My childhood was horrible because she always pitted everyone against me and I carried the pain alone because I didn't think anyone would believe me. However, my husband has been a great support because he sees it first hand. So now I'm going to give the dog back to the rescue and my sister says she will come out and get her, but I know she won't. She has been saying she'll get her for a year now. She has given so much to my sister and clearly favors her, yet my sister has left her care to me and she was furious I hired the care giver. She even had reported her to the police for stealing my mother's credit card, which I don't think she did. I feel like my sister doesn't want to spend the money for the assisted living and doesn't want to deal with her either. She has been dropped on me and I have no power to do anything. I'm considering calling APS to check in on her and take over. Sorry for the rant, but this has affected my job and my sleep. I find myself binge eating and not exercising any more. I'm tired all the time. And it pisses me off that I am being judged so negatively by everyone because of this. No one understands.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Assisted Living Refusing Care

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score 2 · Answer 1

If the rescue says they wont take the dog back unless your mom is with you.. tell them you will find a no kill facility that WILL take the dog.. Explain she has ALZ and had no business getting a dog in the first place. Then do it.

Helpful Answer (2)

I just took the dog back without issue. I was so afraid mom would start crying and create a scene.

(2)

score 3 · Answer 2

I would be careful handling her money, we live in a day and age when an accusation can destroy your life. One word from her and let the ugly begin.

Just because she wants to be a burden to you, doesn't mean you have to let her.

Call APS and report that she is non compliant and you have no authority and you are worried about her living in an unsafe situation.

I am sorry that she has actively tried to hurt you for your entire life. No guilt when you say asta la vista. Bye bye mommy dearest.

Don't worry what anyone thinks, if they won't listen to both sides of the story they'll think what they want. Our friends should defend us, but not publicly without knowing what is really going on. Shame on them, but social media has taken social graces out to the trash.

Helpful Answer (3)

Thank you and I think you are right . I'm taking back her rescue dog tomorrow, but they said they won't take the dog back unless Mom is there. Hopefully, she won't change her mind. That aside, if my sister isn't here Wednesday I'm calling APS.

(2)

score 3 · Answer 3

Thank you all for your responses. The guilt I feel, despite my crappy childhood, sometimes takes over me. As for Mom, she is well off so expenses aren't a concern when it comes to her own money. She has given me access to her bank accounts so I can pay her bills. I okayed the care giver through her and she signed the papers for her and I paid for the care through her account. So when she no longer wanted the help I really had no choice but to let her go. As far as I know my sister doesn't have a POA. My sister is supposed to come get her next week, but even Mom doubts it. I told her she can either let me hire another helper or go to assisted living. She has agreed to a new helper. However, I know the cycle will only repeat. I'm not comfortable placing her in assisted living without a POA because if she changes her mind I'll have to take her out. I'm crossed whether I should just go ahead and call APS if my sister doesn't get her or try another care giver. I do feel the one I let go wasn't that great, but she wasn't terrible either. As for her neighbors, one came on very strong against me. I resent my mother for painting me as a bad person. She says that she has been abandoned... I think what really hurts her is being abandoned by my sister. She has always hated me. I'm taking her to a new doctor who is a nuerologist and psychiatrist and asking him about options. My mother is a vicious liar who loves creating trouble and her condition is only making her worse. I do think she plays it up sometimes. In fact, the first doctor I took her to didn't find anything problematic in her MRI, but determined she has Alzheimer's. The second visit she had just been fighting with my sister and the doctor was stunned she was taking so well... He actually said she had him confused. Of course she decided she needed a new doctor. She may pass a competency test. She always said she wanted to live long enough to be a burden on her children, and I thought she was just being "funny".

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score 6 · Answer 4

You need to call APS for no other reason than to have a report on record.
And block those neighbors from your social media. People just don't understand that you cannot make someone do what they don't want to.
I would NOT get guardianship over Mom. She will make your life hell. And the state requires at least a yearly report of her finances. The state could always become her guardian. The only way you could walk away is if she was put in LTC. All her needs would be met. An AL you still would be responsible for personal items.

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score 4 · Answer 5

So no one has POA for your mother, including your sister? Did you hire the caregiver from your own money?

The other posts have great advice. Please remove yourself from this toxic situation -- your mother is NOT your responsibility!

What are her finances like? Would she qualify for Medicaid? I hope her "help" to your sister won't disqualify her for a penalty period.

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score 6 · Answer 6

Call APS, give them the neurologist's report, and explain that your mother refuses to accept support from you and is living in unsafe and unsanitary conditions.

I honestly cannot blame your sister for not wanting your mother to move in with her - it's a terrible idea, anyway - but dragging her feet about it instead of just saying no is not helpful.

Never mind her! - and never mind stupid comments from people who have no idea what they're talking about or what you've been trying to cope with. Good luck with APS, call them TODAY, and let us know how it goes.

Helpful Answer (6)

I returned the dog today. I'm waiting for my sister to fly in Wednesday. If she's a no show then I'll get the doctor's report and call APS.

(1)

score 2 · Answer 7

As well as the other options, it might be worth visiting the neighbours. If there are only the next-doors, or if others would talk to the next-doors, putting them in the picture could help a lot. It's easy to get defensive and think that it's none of their business, but they can only know what they see and what they are told. If you tell them the full story, they could understand and be on your side.

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score 3 · Answer 8

Please call APS; they can talk with your mother and the doctor and may be able to get your sister moving on her POA responsibilities. If POA won't act, APS may be able to assist you in gaining guardianship for little or no cost since the court can used the publicly funded APS investigation instead of a separate investigation by a guardian ad litum.

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score 10 · Answer 9

You are not legally obliged to provide hands on care for your mother. You don't have POA and you are not her guardian. If she has not been deemed incompetent, she is free to make all the crappy decisions about her life that she wants to.

Walk away from the abuse. Let her become a ward of the state if she is deemed unable to care for herself.

Let this craziness stop with you.

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Call APS on Mom?

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