Been a rough 9+ months. DH had 2 major heart attacks within 2 weeks of each other, both were considered to be "life enders" and he was granted the miracle of living though both. 5 stents placed, about 7 news meds added to his regimen-I can't even keep track of everything he's on now. He's doing well now, and I think I handled the initial attacks with as much composure as I could. He was off work for 3 months, hanging out at home, sleeping 24/7 and being a terrible patient, I had NO respite, not even a lunch out.
I THOUGHT I was doing well. Really. Almost too good. Yes, I was angry at DH for being a rotten patient, but that wasn't news to me, we've already nursed him back from a liver transplant (cancer) chemo, and a stroke and a horrible motorcycle accident all in the last 12 years. I am always thrown into the role of CG and I really try to do my best, but have come to realize DH will do just what he wants and that's just how it is. He's just a terrible patient and always will be. This isn't ABOUT him.
About 2 months ago I began having horrible panic attacks in the middle of the night. Just heart pounding, BP through the roof panic attacks. I would try to walk it off, meditate it away, and at the last take double dose of my antianxiety meds.
I always settled down, but the next day I would feel like crap. Then I was anxious I would have MORE panic attacks and it has become this vicious circle.
I do have Klonipin to take, up to 4 mgs a day, not a huge dose, but I haven't had it changed in 18 years. It works, all the time, every time. Thank God!!
BUT--I think these p/a's are my GAD generalized anxiety disorder) rearing it's ugly head and I can't imagine that I have waited for 9 months to react to DH's close call with death, again. It's so frustrating!!!!!!
I just saw my psych doc and he actually wants me to start tapering off of it..which is panic inducing on its own. I told him I simply didn't feel ready and he didn't pursue the topic.
Problem I have is that most months, I am fine with the dosing amount and don't take more than 4 mgs a day. But suddenly this panic thing comes out of the blue and I am right back at step one...and it takes a mg or two to deal with how I feel. I already know I will run out 5 days before I can refill them and I am already feeling anxious and sick to my stomach thinking about it. The mini-withdrawal is hellish....
Try getting a call in to my psych doc and all I get it "Go to the ER, they will admit you".
Love of heaven, ADMIT me for having a panic attack and when they give me a Xanax or something, I will be perfectly FINE. I just need my doc to actually LISTEN to me and realize that life is very, very, very stressful, DH cannot bear for me to be anything other than FINE at all times.
I really "think" that I am simply now 'feeling all the feels' from last year when he was so sick for so long and I had zero support. (And to add to the stress, I was walking around on a broken foot for 6 months because I couldn't take the time for myself. I just got out of cast and am adjusting to orthotics, which are excruciating.
How do I get across to my psych doc that once in a while--life gets too be too much. I am so tired from being on edge all the time...Anybody else feel anxiety from something that happened months, even years ago?
Maybe I come across at the p-docs office as being "fine" b/c I am so accustomed to always telling everyone that I am just FINE, when the absolute opposite is the truth.
Partly, I am sure, this is due to being burned out with the care and keeping of a person who is fundamentally a really nice guy, but who is sick a LOT and becomes impossible to deal with.
5 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I spent last night in the ER with DH b/c he was having 'heart symptoms'--he was sick all day, vomiting and such, and as I have said, is one awful patient--so I was trying to figure out if he had food poisoning, taken his med on an empty stomach or just had gastroenteritis. He gets supremely panicky when he gets sick and after his heart attacks we were in the ER 4 or 5 times with, you guessed it, panic attacks. They gave him Valium which he really barely used, it was more of a calming measure to know he had it.
Turns out he just had food poisoning or a stomach virus and today is perfectly fine.
I had tried to take him to the ER yesterday about 1 and he refused--but by 8 and after my granddaughter's play and shopping (and yes, I had texted him several times to which he responded he was "fine") I came home to find him near tears and having "palpitations". I was angry/scared at the same time. I didn't HAVE to shop, I didn't HAVE to go to the play---anyhow, we hauled out to the ER and were admitted pronto--when the blood tests for heart issues came back negative...well, I knew he was just sick. His panic went away, they ran 3 bags of fluid into him and some morphine for the pain and some Zofran and we were back home just after midnight and slept like a baby. He just now woke up (2pm) and says he feels just fine and thinks he was probably over the worst when we went to the ER.
{Sigh}
I could NOT go to sleep. I talked to the doc on call for a while. (It was super quiet in the ER) and asked him how long would it be before Dh would stop freaking out when he has any kind of episode--and how long for me. I seriously feel like I stepped back 10 steps, anxiety wise. Dr said what I felt was absolutely normal and probably should be dealing with the anxiety (which I am TRYING to do). He said it just "took time".
I agree 100% that Klonipin has been the best/worst thing to happen to me. It works so well, every single time I take it. I have been on the same dosage for years. I KNOW I have to taper down. (Actually know a woman who is on 10 mgs per day---I'm a lightweight, comparitively)
And for days and days I DO really well, then something happens--like, last night and I am back to square one.
I need to qualify that my pdoc is not the one who is telling me to check myself into the hospital if I run short in a month--it's the nasty MA who screens all incoming phone calls. He knows she's like this and doesn't appreciate her treating patients like nut jobs, but it's impossible to get past her. I'm thinking that although I just saw him, I may call for an "emergency" visit.
I'm on Zoloft and honestly, it could just be pooping out on me. I am SURE there are many other ways I can treat the anxiety. I have tried CBD oil, but the oral kind. I will give the hemp lotion a try.
Honestly? I KNOW that about 50% of the root cause of the anxiety stems from horrific childhood abuse, which I have and am still dealing with, the other 50% just comes from life. I could always stay a step ahead of it until some years ago when I just "hit the wall". 5 kids in 9 years, teeny tiny house--hubby traveled 75% of the time---well, just life.
I appreciate your support. I am well aware of the horrors of getting off Klonipin. I never intended to take it for so long. But then I never intended for life to be so damn hard.
Oh, and I will "run out" 4 or 5 days before the new scrip can be filled. It's not like I am taking 4xs what I am prescribed and most months, do not need to even have it refilled "on schedule".
Didn't help that a few years ago this would auto refill a week before the 30 days was out. I never really paid attention to it--just put 4 in my daily meds box and sometimes took all 4 and sometimes didn't.
Will get some CBD lotion tomorrow. Also will call the doc for a frank talk. I'm probably working myself up over nothing----and I DO need to accept and learn to handle these blips on the radar that are my hubby's health.
I get it! I suffer from GAD as well. I say this with love you need to get off Klonopin it is the strongest most addictive of the Benzo family. You should try an alternative way to treat your anxiety...I know it is easier said than done. Sigh:(
What you experience was a delay-reaction...I think your brain finally had time to process what could of happen with DH and how it really could have effective you and your life.
This happen to me after my dad died. Four weeks after is death I went to my Drs appt and I was find. I ck out at the front desk and got in my jeep and it hit me...my dad is dead...I thought for sure that I was never going to stop crying...never catch my breath...the world was spinning out of control. I was lucky that I could call my BF and he was able to calm me down. I have had other episode like this.
So, I do understand that when your in the middle of a panic attack and you just want it to stop so popping a pill makes it so easy, and I am not against medications just Klonopin!
So here is a few things to try: Xanax which I am not a fan of but if your Dr prescribe 2mg you can cut it into 4 pieces which will take it down to .50mg, in turn "should" make it easier for you to get off meds without a harsh withdrawal. You will still have withdraws. Sigh!
Also have you tried "self-talk"? This is where you tell yourself that you are ok and that things will be find. You continue to talk to yourself about what is going on and how you can deal with the circumstances that are going on. Talk to your Psychiatrist about helping you to learn to do "self-talk"! It works:)
Another idea is CBD tablets or hemp lotion. Do not use CBD oil. I like hemp lotion because you put it on and the hemp release throughout the day. It just makes you feel calm. There is no THC so no high or weird feelings. Less panic attacks:)
Like always talk to your Dr before changing or start taking anything new.
I hope this helps and I pray that DH is getting better. Take care of yourself.
Hugs!!!
ADVERTISEMENT
((((( hugs)))))
Please talk to your PCP as soon as you can and get worked up for this. We love you and care about you!