I'm struggling. Any advice?

Your father is safely placed in a memory care unit. There is no risk that he will act on any of his delusions in a damaging or unmanageable way, yes?

That being so, there is no need to redirect him or attempt in any way to connect with him reality.

Instead, look on the conversation as though it were any conversation with a person who is not your father. You can take his word for the truth of what he says and go along with it. It's just a story, a narrative, which you don't need to challenge or in any way relate to your own knowledge of him.

Confine these conversations to a length of call that you yourself can manage. At the moment, when you're trying to end the call, he ignores your farewells and carries on regardless; and you, being a sane and courteous person, feel you have to continue the call.

But you don't have to. Honestly and truly, even if - as if! - you said "oh shut up you crazy old windbag" and hung up on him, any offence or hurt he felt would be forgotten in moments, probably before he even put the phone down.

So you can easily say "I have to run Dad, I'll speak to you soon, love you, 'bye..!" and then *hang* *up* even if he is in mid-sentence; and he will feel no hurt and no confusion and you need have not a twinge of conscience about it.

You are not his real daughter with whom he is having a meaningful conversation. You are a sympathetic and agreeable presence off whom he can bounce the thoughts that are running through his head. The normal rules of good telephone manners just don't apply.

About you. It is bloody awful to hear your lovely, brilliant Dad talking like a lunatic. It is quite harrowing enough. But don't add the heartache of trying to stop him when it just isn't possible, and do take active control of how long you have to cope with it each time.

First off, don't be sorry for venting or asking questions here. This is just the place to do just that! There is no place with a group of people that understand what you are (what we are) going through. People who had never had to deal with this horrible disease have no clue what it is like. They just simply can't relate!

Second things is, you do need to set boundaries. Perhaps calling dad every few days at first. I know it is hard to get your head wrapped around the fact that he may not be missing you or/and that he is lonily. He is in his own world. It is so heartbreaking to think of our parents that way. I think some times we project our feelings on to them. Example, we feel that if we were in their shoes we would be lonily. Or guilt takes over and than we feel awful for not being there for them or talking to them. But I think the truth is we can only go so far with them on this road and then at some point in the disease were we just can't go! They must go alone. Sure we can take care of their physical needs and what nots, but they are in a world we don't have access too. I know you don't live close by to your dad, but I think you understand what I am saying. It is just so dam hard to see our parents this way.

Thirdly, there are medications to help with his delusion. When my mother has delusion which as of right now are not that many of them, but when they come I have found that it was just easier to go along with it. I got the idea from a Will Smith move of all places. I wish I could remember the name of the movie.

I know it is hard and I think it is harder on us if we have had that close relationship with that parent. I couldn't do this for my dad it would have ripped me into pieces, but because I wasn't as close to my mother some how has made it easier for me to detach!

I am sorry that you have to go through this. Come here anytime to vent and ask questions.

Hugs

Boundaries. There is no need to talk with him daily. He will forget when he has not talked to you.

Place yourself in his world, plan that move, comforting him within his delusion.

Have you checked with his doctor on the delusions. There is probably a med to help. My mom took Seroquel, it relieved the anxiety that caused many delusions.

I understand how very hard this is for you. It is heartbreaking to know this intelligent man has fallen so far.

my Dad had all sorts of delusions. My approach to all of it was to play along. Just like I was playing cops and robbers with my grandsons, Talk about the whole thing with him. Don’t feed into the delusion, but do no try to talk him out of it. Ask about specific plans, where on campus he would like to be, etc. when I did this with my dad, it calmed him down and gave him “research” projects. When I would hit on questions he could not answer...he would go quiet about it for days (sometimes a week or more) and then one day, delighted, he would have some nonsense answer. Then he would start all over again.

this costs you nothing except to hear the depth of the delusion, and it could calm him down they way it did for my Dad

p.s. My Dad was certain that aliens had taken over the VA...he was making plans to create and lead and underground resistance.

It is frustrating because it feels like everything revolves around their world. In this stage of their life, I suppose for them it does. They feel their needs come first and foremost. They don’t seem to be able to comprehend that we are younger and have to attend to our lives as well.

I remind mom of my needs but it goes in one ear and out the other, then I question myself as to why I even bother to express how I feel.

Every now and then she gets how I feel. I love when she does but I have learned not to expect it. I wonder how I would cope if she does develop dimentia with her Parkinson’s. I’m not even sure that I would see the signs and might feel as though she is just being contrary, or her usual perfectionist self! She isn’t always contrary. She can be the most loving mom in the world also. Ups and downs of aging.

She was never a hateful person, still isn’t downright hateful. I know the difference. My husband’s grandma was downright hateful! I hope I would be able to decipher to know if dimentia was developing or normal ups and downs.

Even without dimentia my mom’s outlook has changed. I can’t put my finger on it. I think they unknowingly become selfish out of fear. They know they have more days behind them than ahead and are desperately trying to squeeze in as much of what is meaningful to them into their remaining time on this earth.

I do feel more confident after she sees her neurologist for her check ups because he seems to give her a thorough physical and mental examination.

I feel for you. I would check in with his doctor. Mom’s doctors always ask if I have questions or concerns. I do ask my questions and speak about concerns with them. It helps to have their professional opinion.

Other than that, I would shorten the conversation if it is getting to be too much stress. I hope you will be able to find a healthy balance in your life soon. Vent anytime. We all need to when we are getting overwhelmed.

I experienced almost the same thing with my dad. I live 11 miles away but my dad was calling me every dad, sometimes several times a day. When he didn’t call, I was sure something was wrong and I called him. I finally made an appointment to meet with the director of the facility and ask for his professional advice regarding the situation and asked for his help. He suggested weaning my dad off of the daily phone calls. We are now down to an occasional phone call 1 or 2 times a month and 1-2 short visits per week. He has learned to rely on his caregivers instead of me now.

Your dad is living in a secure and safe environment and is being cared for, right? Then don't worry about what he is "thinking", it is probably different from day to day.

MY SIL, when he was doing Med School rounds at the VA, had one patient who 'believed' he lived in an apartment with his childhood friend and he got up each day to run his "chili" stand out in the hall. Of course, there was no chili and such--but the staff there simply gave him a tray and some cups and spoons--kind of feeding into the delusion, I guess, but he was content and VERY busy in his own world. He was in the psych ward, so something in his brain was very fundamentally broken. But my SIL said he was one of the most chipper, upbeat patients. SIL stopped everyday and 'bought' a cup of chili.

Alwaysexhausted, my dad would sit and watch the tv during visits, as soon as I said I need to go, he had something that he had to discuss with me. Uuughgarrrgh! So, I totally get the frustration. I learned to say, "Dad, I need to go, talk to you later." while heading to the door. He would of course have something important that needed my attention right now, so he would start talking and I would loudly say, "I love you, talk to you later!" And out the door. He never seemed put out the next time I saw him, he was pouty as I was leaving, but that'sokay. I don't watch tv, maybe 6 hours annually, and to sit there was making me crazy.

Better to have it short and sweet instead of long and dreaded.

You will feel terrible the 1st time you hang up and can hear him talking away, but is gets easier. You gain control over the situation and that is well worth any feelings of hanging up on him.

You can do this in a loving, gentle way. When he asks you to do something, you can always say you are super busy at work and only have the few minutes you've taken to call him, so when things slow down you can talk about it then.

I just had an idea, can you get dad set up to hold classes for these people. That would entertain him and his facility mates. Have him read one of the Harvard classics to them or something. I bet the facility would allow big markers, you know the kind that wipe off everything but paper, and paper or notebooks for classroom supplies.

So, have you gotten your dad seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? I think someone suggested that the last time you asked about his delusions. Meds CAN help.

I don't try to bring my dad back to reality, I play along with the delusions while trying not to feed into them. I figure that if it makes him happier and calmer, then it is worth it. The problem is that he DOES retain some things and it's hard to figure out what he'll remember beforehand. For example, if he asks if I've booked plane tickets I'll say I'm working on it. Then the next day he'll ask if I was successful at booking the tickets, and I'll say there was an issue. The day after that he'll ask if the issue was resolved and if the tickets are booked. Etc.

I think you are all right in saying that I will have to call less often and shorten the calls if I can. It is far too draining.