I want her in assisted living, she wants to go home alone. Any suggestions?

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AliceAnn Asked March 2019

I want her in assisted living, she wants to go home alone. Any suggestions?

My mother recently broke her kneecap in a fall. After being in a rehab facility for 2 1/2 months she is making good progress. I would like for her to go to assisted living where she lives or come to live at my house 200 miles away. She refused both and went home.

I tried to convince her I need to know she is safe. She states she wants to stay home where she can have her 3 cats.

There are 4 of us siblings and her 70 year old cousin is her power of attorney. One 67 year old sibling is financially cared for by Mom and has lived in Mom's basement for years. She continually tells Mom that we are trying to take away her independence.

Mom was diagnosed paranoid delusional 40 years ago and refused medication or treatment.

How do we get her to agree to a safe environment when she won't let an outsider in her house, or leave the cats and house behind?

Aging in Place Alzheimer's & Dementia Rehabilitation Center

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score 3 · Answer 1

You really have you hands tied. Even if she is found to be incompetent, you have no legal leg to stand on. 70 yr old cousin has POA. At least you have a sibling in the house. For good or bad.

You cannot make people do what you want.

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score 4 · Answer 2

It's terrible that I feel I need permission to stop trying to make it better when I can't.
A therapist may be the best thing I can do for now.

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score 3 · Answer 3

I am sorry for what you are going through. I went through similar with my parents. My mom has a progressive neurological disorder that quickly took away mobility and my father was in denial about it. It was hard to deal with. She broke her leg once and had to stay in a rehab for over a month because their house was multi level. Eventually after a very rough period where my dad was also sick they agreed to go into a one level. My mom hated it but it was the right thing. She was delusional and would get out of bed in the middle of the night and crawl around.

One of her OT’s said something that struck me: sometimes you can’t get people to leave their homes and you have to let go of that. The elderly fall, it’s not an if it’s a when. If they won’t leave, make the modifications you can to the house to increase safety. Make sure they understand the risk, but it’s their right to live with the risk. If they deny there is risk seek help of a professional, such as a social worker or doctor to help.

It was a wake up call for me. It’s important to tell them how you feel and the risk you see gently but understand you can’t control what they do. They are usually in fear and knowing that your concerns come from love will help. I saw a therapist during this time too and that helped.

Good luck, I hope it works out

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score 6 · Answer 4

Mental health is brutal. It leads to the very decisions that make the situation worse. But, as I say, having dealt with some demons of my own, “when the walls are talking to you, well, the walls are talking to you”. In my case, it was a pretty abusive situation, not in the classic sense, but the outcome was the same, and I literally had no idea which way was up. I’m still dealing with the consequences of it, but things are better.

Anyways, what I’m getting at is that theres’ no silver bullet here. Maybe meds, but the meds would probably be out to get her, so can’t take those.

Sometimes, you have to step back and let things run their course, however painful that might be..

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Your response is powerful. I needed to read that, not hear it. Thank you. You speak wisely. I take care of my very stubborn mother wuth Alzheimer’s.. unrealistic. Impossibly egocentric. Always. In retrospect, i see my childhood with more clarity. She has always had at least one serious mental health isssue, probably many more, Never named. Personality defects. Unnamed. As kids, shenwas just our controlling, quirky “mom.” Now thst she has Alzheimer’s, all of thise quirks have become pronounced. Her doctor knows her well. Advised me this; “Your mother is a stubborn woman with many issues. A zebra does not change its stripes. She will not make this easy on you. Catherine, you need to do what you can, what she will let you do. The rest? Let nature take its course. Let nature take its course.” I always remember his words. Your reply reminds me of his. Again, thank you. I needed that.

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I want her in assisted living, she wants to go home alone. Any suggestions?

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