So I asked my mom to move in with me 6 years ago because she is blind in one eye and the neighbors were tired of going over and doing things for her. She expected them to do it, or at least she said they would just do what she asked. I finally got her to sell the house to a relative and move in with me.
Now, she has Alzheimer’s and Vascular dementia mixed. We always fought growing up because everything had to be her way or the highway. I knew asking her to move in would be a challenge , but never this bad. I did this because I lived two hours away from her and drove in ALL the time to see if she was ok, doctors, etc... She’s been here through my sons high school years, and now the first two years of college. It’s very hard on all of us. I still argue because the comments she makes are ten times worse then they used to be. I know it’s because of the ALZ but it’s so darn hard to hear ALL DAY LONG. I quit my job because she can’t be alone anymore , but I have MS and I’m afraid it’s going to get worse because if all of this. I am looking into an Assisted Living facility for her but am feeling guilty as hell because she keeps telling me she will kill herself if I put her in a home!! My husband is a gem to put up with all of this and tells me I’ll know when it’s time, but it is I just don’t know how to do it without stressing myself out more!!! Any suggestions, ideas....
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Let me make a suggestion. You aren’t putting your mom anywhere.
Her health condition and yours is dictating what steps must be taken for both your sakes. You didn’t give her Alz but more than likely having her in your home all these years has certainly not helped your MS.
Make sure that the AL you are looking at has a pathway to MC because AL might not be enough care. She has had one on one for all these years. She’s possibly more needy than even you realize.
Have you had her assessed for the correct level of placement? You don’t want to have to move her twice if possible. She may have already had her Al years while living with you.
I know it’s hard to do this but really what choice do you have? Your husband can’t take care of both of you.
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A fitness guy I read has a theory he calls the shaving can of motivation. What he means by that is if you use up the shaving cream in the morning you won’t have any left for working out when you get home.
This is the same thing, eventually you use up the shaving can, and just as certainly, you need to use more and more of it everyday, and then it runs out.
There are better people than me to offer advice, I’m just pointing out that you do the best you can until the can runs out, and it will run out someday.
That’s not on you and you didn’t fail, which is what you need to remember.
ALs are not equipped for people with later stages of ALZ and Dementia unless they have a memory care unit. If Mom has money, then you need to look at cost. In my area the cost of an AL is approx. 5k for an AL or 10k for LTC. ALs will not allow the use of Medicaid unless you have paid privately for at least 2 yrs. For LTC better to pay privately then go into Medicaid. You may want to find out what the criteria is for Medicaid just so your aware. Moms house being sold is outside of the five year look back.
Look around at ALs and LTC facilities. I found a nice LTC that I had wished I put Mom in instead of the AL. Is the place clean. Are the residents clean and seem happy. Staff friendly. Eat a meal there. Are there activities through out the afternoon. Mornings are usually hectic. Getting residents up, dressed and to breakfast. Med passes, showers and then lunch.
Consider- have you EVER known someone who said they’d LOVE to go into residential care? Would you say that? I actually might, but I’m a little strange.....
Have you discussed her situation with her medical caregiver? Does that person say she needs full time care, or residential care?
If so, you should be feeling absolutely NO guilt of any kind. If she’s making the choice of killing herself or killing you, she needs to be stopped in BOTH of those attempts!
All of us DO feel as you are feeling at least once in a while. You will feel better after you’ve gotten some support for your decision making, found a pleasant setting for her within your area, and determined how to fund what you’ve decided.
If you’re still able to get her POA, do it without delay. A POA is also one of the tools you need to help manage her care.
YES, it’s TIME. YOU CAN DO THIS.
What you're feeling is normal. I'm sure there are situations in which an elderly parent moves in with their adult child and all is lovely and wonderful but I don't think that's typical. What you're going through happens more often than not. I went through it too as has most people on this forum. It's so typical that there is an entire forum dedicated to caring for elderly parents. There are books out there on how to deal with it, classes, support groups. You're not alone.
Your mom is emotionally blackmailing you by threatening suicide if you move her into an assisted living facility. She's forcing you to do something (keep her at home) that you don't want to and something that is making you miserable. I suggest that you continue to look for an assisted living for your mom and when you find one you like, facilitate your mom's move. If you think that she'll really attempt suicide alert the facility prior to her moving in. Ensure that she doesn't have access to medication. Take the tie from her robe. Remove all knives. Take all the precautions. Don't sacrifice yourself for your mom who doesn't seem to give a damn about your well-being.
Stress can exacerbate health problems like MS. It can also lead to other problems. Take care of your health and your emotional well-being which are things you can't do well when your mom is living with you.
talk to her doctor. You need to get the diagnosis in writing. Then, seek the help of the local social services to find a placement for her.
If if she can afford the first year or so to pay herself the choices will be much better.
begin this process today. It is going to be hard, but with the help of local agencies you should have guidance through this.
6 years is pretty impressive. But, it is time to make a new plan.