"You took away his freedom!" How do I deal with relatives being negative about what's best for my dad?

Pandamom - I have a few suggested comebacks for people like your dad's out-of-town relatives:

"If you want to see how things really are, then come and see for yourself."
"If you want things done your way, do them yourself."
"When I need your advice, I'll ask."

Be blunt and rude if necessary. Surprisingly, when you push back, they'll learn to respect you. They might not like you, but they'll respect you.

When we went through this with my FIL's siblings and very large extended family and network of friends, all of whom thought they knew better than we did what he needed, my husband started saying "You may know my father longer but I know him better." That stunned most of them into silence. But one of my husband's uncles would not accept that, and tried to pull the old "Respect your elders, sonny" line on my husband who quickly snapped back: "Visiting for a few minutes every few weeks does not make you an expert on my father. Please respect the very special relationship I have with my father." My husband is his dad's POA and is the person my FIL goes to for practically everything.

You don't owe anyone an explanation. Learn to change the subject by saying something like "I worry about my dad more than you can imagine. Can we talk about something else?" If they won't let it go, end the call.

Stop listening to their complaints and stop thinking you owe them explanations

Can you politely tell them that they are making this harder for dad then it needs to be?

Then tell them that they are welcome to come and take care of him and get him moved in with them so they can take their own advice. If any of them took you up on this, be sure they understand it is a permanent solution, as you won't contribute to him being pulled hither and yawn.

Or maybe like barb asked, do they have dementia? Maybe you could say, you know, since you can't wrap your head around the reality of dads situation, we should get you checked out, it can run in the family ya know.

I'm just being smart, but I think when people make our lives harder and they haven't even seen the reality because they won't come visit, then they don't deserve respect or regard, just a good solid dose of reality upside their heads.

I am truly sorry that your dads family is making this so much harder for you and your family. I know first hand how much work you do, even though he is in AL. Find a way to tell them to mind their manners in a way that works for you and keep repeating until it sinks in. I agree, no more information for them.

Do they all perhaps have dementia as well?

I think they are just clueless. They too are probably declining and just don't see reason. Does Dad really need a phone. He really doesn't need people putting things in his head. I would tell them to stop. That they need to read up on Dads Dementia and find out there is no cure. His brain is dying. You are doing what needs to be done under the circumstances to make him safe. He can't drive because the State says so. (I know a little white lie) He can't live alone because its unsafe. I agree, only call when its an emergency. If they call and start, turn the tables, tell them they are welcome to care for him.

Uh....you don't. Just ignore them and keep doing what you're doing. Your dad's fine, safe and sound where he is. Let him stay that way. If his 'relatives' see fit to put their 2 cents in, smile and nod. Then pretend they said nothing. ;-)

PandaMom, you took away his freedom??? Quite the opposite.

When my Dad moved into a senior facility he actually had MORE freedom. He was so happy not to have to worry about his house and what was next on the list to fix. No more worry about lawn mowing, and snow shoveling. Ekkk, at 95 he use to be outside shoveling!!! No more worry if the house needed a new roof, or if that strange noise was from the plumbing [it was], etc. And no more stairs to worry about. Donated the car, sold the house.

My Dad felt he could spend his free time doing whatever he wanted once he moved to the senior facility. He liked the physical therapy so he looked forward to that. But if he wanted to spend all afternoon watching an old movie, he could :)

And if there was a storm outside, he was comfy not worrying about weather damage. He had a much rewarded peace of mind.

I suspect these people are in denial not only about dad's decline, but their own! They don't want to face their own looming reality.

Does your father have one behavior that's just over the wall? If so then you can use it to stop the conversation with the friends and relatives. Mine was "Dad's doing so well here in MC and I'm so thankful I get to visit as just a daughter again. The staff gets to deal with his stubbornness about those water glasses full of his urine sitting on the window sill."