5 years ago (or so), my mom moved in with my husband, daughter and I. This was supposed to be temporary (a year, maybe two). During that time we started to notice cognitive decline. My mom has not gone to a doctor (she refuses) but something is clearly wrong with her. I think she has some form of Dementia. It was okay at first, but lately things are getting pretty bad. Her room smells (and God help me if I go in there to clean). She's hoarding trash (that she takes out of the garbage). I can't be here 100% of the time. My child is still young and needs to have a life. I need to have a life. My mom isn't always pleasant and we've had a rocky relationship. I don't have POA (because she wouldn't so much as discuss it in the past). So she's living with me... and constantly tells me she's leaving but doesn't have the cognitive ability to find/move into somewhere else. Even if she managed that (which she won't), she'd burn that place down by day 4. She just can't manage on her own. But I have no legal standing, no document that gives me any power. Just a lease. At the moment, I'm her landlord and she's my tenant. I can't just kick my mom out and live with myself. I tried to convince her into Assisted Living but she refused (which I realized after how expensive it is and she wouldn't be able to live there for more than a year before the money ran out). She can't stay here much longer. I can't stand the smell anymore. It's affecting my child's quality of life. It's affecting my marriage. She's probably not safe considering we sometimes have to leave (work etc...). I'm not paying for home care out of my pocket, but I don't have the legal authority to pay it out of hers. I feel so stuck in this situation that is only going to get worse. If I could go back in time, she'd have never moved in and I'd call a social worker over to her home. I do plan on talking to an Elder Attorney but I feel like they're going to tell me I'm stuck too.
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You should probably also just make a doctors appointment and take her to lunch nearby, then stop in at the doctor. Arrange this with the office beforehand and have a typed list of your concerns.
See the eldercare attorney asap. She is a health hazard to your child. You may need to start eviction proceedings and THAT'S OKAY! Your child's welfare comes first!,
Each step you take, however small, is movement towards change. Remember that!
You can do this, step-at-a-step....
All the best!!
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My suspicion is you did protect/help yourself by having a lease and it may come into play. How long does the lease run and hat are the parameters for ending it? Most would likely give you an out based on the destruction of your property, while she doesn't have to be a great housekeeper she as a renter can't let it get the point of being unhealthy and smelling up the rest of the house. But that aside for now I would use a doctor or the aging services/official's in your area. Who would you call if your mom were not related to you, either renting a room in your house or your next door neighbor without anyone looking after her and behaving the way she is? You could of course give her the option, go to the doctor with me give me the ability to help care for you when you need it (POA) or I am forced to have someone else take over because I am worried something isn't right with you and I'm not convinced it can't be treated but even if there is nothing wrong that can be treated this isn't working for my family anymore and we have to figure out an alternative. Now I want you to be in charge of what happens, your life but if you wont do that and you wont give me the ability to do that then your making the choice to have a stranger make that assessment and plan.
I'm not saying that strong arm approach is the way to go, it's just an option, you know your Mom. But an elders social worker or a PCP that has known her or has recently seen her can both take steps I'm not sure you can right now with no legal standing. Your only legal standing at the moment that I can see is that of landlord meaning you would have to force the issue of her living situation be evicting her... Now if she should have a fall or some other possible medical emergency you could call an ambulance, have her transported to the hospital and then not accept responsibility for her going home (insist on a psych eval too), if they feel she shouldn't be on her own for safety or medical reasons they have a legal responsibility to find a suitable placement. Again they will look to you first, maybe even pressure you and she may become much more cooperative once she realizes her choices but stick to your guns about the ability to take responsibility for her and only do what you are prepared to. I would use that opportunity to insist on POA too whether or not she is going home with you. Stick to your guns, it will be hard but remember you are doing what's best for her as well as your family.
Obviously the current situation isn't what's best for her given the state of her room and inability to care for herself (go to a doctor) so you aren't being hurtful or selfish by forcing this issue you are being responsible. Which is another angle, use it the way you want but you have a legal responsibility to your mom who's living with you and you would any elder living with you as well as to your child. If you are concerned about their safety when she is left alone and she wont hire help you could be charged (unlikely but still) with elder abuse if she injures herself or someone sees her room and child endangerment if it starts affecting your child negatively. Maybe an insurance adjuster needs to come by and asses the house because your renting or some other excuse and they put you on notice about the room or based on what they see need a written release from a doctor saying she is capable of being left alone...I'm pulling out of the air here but hopefully you get the idea. Anything that makes her go get help but enables her to save face and not argue about it. You could even agree it's silly but it's "required"...
Good luck and keep coming back for support and to update us, we all learn from each other.
For whoever asked, she moved in to save up some money and pay down debts.
I don't make separate meals for her but there's typically enough for her to have some dinner. She buys her own when we eat out. I convinced her to get some stuff on Amazon pantry and she eats snacks and what not when we don't have food here. (she prefers junk food to real food and we seldom buy any).
I'm working hard on this, but it's difficult. There's a lot going on besides her (my child has some medical issues) and I'm already overwhelmed with taking care of her. I'm an only child and her siblings have enough problems so, everything falls on me. I'm trying to do the best possible for everyone.
When we cleaned out my MILs house we found plastic grocery bags with junk mail in them stored in an empty dresser. My MIL had a closet full of magazines. Enough that my husband bundled them in piles of 20 and they took up a car space in the garage.
The hoarding thing is something that has gotten worse with my own MIL over the past few years. It was always a bit of a thing with her, but took a big downward turn after her first stroke, a couple of years ago. I'm so glad she's currently in a care facility!
It is imperative that this situation change asap because this dynamic is NOT WORKING. Mother cannot stay in your home with being this abusive. Her hoarding is unhealthy also.
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