Getting elderly parent to NOT pile up the savings?

So can you get in touch with Social and express your concerns about his living conditions?

And the fact that you live at a distance and have family responsibilities that prevent you from hands on?

And that you think that he might actually crave the social aspects of a well run care home?

Ha ha CM is right here. Yes Social know about him but are not actively involved at all....

BTW - I could do with some young eastern european lady popping around my house too. ;-)

Needs assessments and risk assessments can be commissioned by GPs or by Social Services. I think Paul's Dad is already on their radar. And I think he's probably nowhere near the top of their list of horror stories - or indeed not even on the list.

The police and the fire brigade will happily attend to advise on matters of security and fire/carbon monoxide safety respectively. If it's an old fridge, the fire brigade would be interested in that, too.

The local library will have a massive ring binder full of service providers' details - they call it "signposting." You can spend many a happy hour browsing through all the marvellous things that wonderful people will do for others that have no relevance to your particular situation.

Paul's Dad likes attention, he likes to be waited on, he likes to put the world to rights. He should be in a care home. He would be a lot happier, not least because he would have a 24/7 audience to hear how useless Paul is.

In the U.S., I would be advising you to call your local Area Agency on Aging; they would send a social worker out to do a "needs assessment" and then advise Dad and family about what help was available.

What is the equivalent in the U.K.?

But be aware, in the U.S., if a person hasn't been declared mentally incompetent, NO ONE can force them to take better care of their property. Most of us on this board have heard advice or advised others that many times, you just have to step back and allow the fictional "independence" plan to fail before any real help is forced upon the elder.

Wouldn't he like a nice young Eastern European lady dropping in once a week to clean for him? Have a look in his local free sheet next time you're there.

4ourhouse is a good site for appliance components. Is it the seal, or an overgrown freezer compartment, or a hinge or what? If I can mend a washing machine, you can mend a fridge.

Yes, Paul, you CAN sit back and wait for a disaster to happen. That's exactly what you NEED to do.

Do you see the similarities between your dad's thinking ("Oi, they're having another baby, they're so old, so little money, it will lead to disaster") and your thinking ("Oi, his house is in such bad shape, he has the money to repair it, it'll lead to disaster")?

You are BOTH stuck in a recursive loop of trying to change the other's thinking. Neither of you can make decisions for the other, as you are both legally competent.

Stop trying to control him.

Yeh I know, I know.... Its just hard to see things in poor condition and in some cases dangerous when theres no need.

Carpet is threadbare in places - hes fallen over a few times.
Chairs are filthy - surprised hes not caught a disease from them.
Fridge doesnt close properly - Its not save to store things in there.

I know, I know its his decision. But I can't just sit back and wait for the disaster to happen.

Paul this is your DAD'S life.

You are trying to run his life. Same as he is trying to run yours. This is NOT your job to explain.

Leave it alone.

Paul. This is a new low. You are spending valuable time on picking away at how to make your father spend money so as to avoid the uniquely terrifying risk that stress from being required to pay for care would cause him to die of apoplexy?

Why would that be worse than his dying from a fall downstairs, or tripping over a doorsill and breaking a hip, or a lung infection caused by mould, or any common or garden stroke or heart attack?

But okay, I'll bite: what do you think needs doing in the house?