I guess in looking more for just understanding from others here if anything. I doubt there's much advice or anything I haven't already heard...
My mother and I have been caring for both my grandmother for roughly the past 10 years or so.
In that time if went from small potential memory issues and minor assistance to outright demands, accusations, and harassment. I can't even remember the full progression of each stage anymore, just how many times what she's said was proven to be a lie or a false accusation of some form or another. (Example: accusing me of hitting her when it was a gentle tap on the shoulder, or shoving her when I'm more than 10ft across the room.)
She's upped the ante to now creating big fights, in public or in some similar format, while playing the poor innocent one and my mother and I get blamed for things.
It doesn't matter to anyone else that she purposely keeps us awake all night nearly every night, or that she's verbally harassed us and yelled at us.
Just that we're at fault for the noise she makes at night and that we yelled back. (Partly due to her claiming she can't hear us otherwise...)
We've had police be called out a few times now. There is also a social worker assigned to this and is aware of what she's doing generally, but so far has been unable to do anything to help.
We can't leave, we can't keep her away, no one else will help us, and we can't afford paid assistance. We're all drained and physically sick each day because of her. Yet we're still blamed for it all.... Almost never her....
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You need to get that Social Worker involved. Your Grandmother needs to be evaluated for Dementia which I am sure is the cause of what is going on. She needs a full lab workup to rule out anything physical like a UTI which the elderly can get violent with. Then, if she has no income other than SS and a pension, you can apply for Medicaid for long term care. If grandmoms house has been you and Moms primary residence for a while, Medicaid will allow you to probably stay.
Actually, I feel this Social Worker should have proposed this as an option when she was assigned to your case. If she didn't and you really aren't comfortable with her, ask her supervisor to assign someone else.
This place has been our primary residence practically since we were born. Just shifting around which flat if anything.
And as a side note, I'm a guy. :)
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Has grandma been checked for a UTI?
Does your grandmother have a formal diagnosis of dementia? Do you have any formal confirmation that she is legally incompetent?
How long has the social worker been on board with the situation? It does take time to get things into place, but what is she thinking about in terms of possibilities, has she said?
How old are you, your mother, your grandmother?
I'm sorry for all the questions but the more you can describe the more likely it is that forum members will be able to suggest ideas that might help.
Meanwhile, though. Your grandmother has dementia. I know that doesn't make the way she behaves and the impact it has on everyone else any easier to bear, but it does mean that blame just doesn't come into it. Try not to let it poison everything you feel about her.
My grandmother owns the house since my grandfather passed away. It's a 3 story flat, she lives in the 2nd floor, mom is on the 1st, and I'm on the 3rd. She has no formal diagnosis as her fighting it got close to swings a couple times. There was at least enough confirmation for mom to get POA for things.
I can't recall off had how long the social worker has been involved, just that she was assigned after the 2nd or 3rd police visit. I think that was around this time last year-ish at best guess.
We did make a call to her after another police visit yesterday. At this moment we're waiting for a call back.
We have contacted a local institute on aging group, but have been on a long waiting list. That is in terms of seeking formal diagnosis and confirmation as well as potentially extra assistance.
I am currently 30, my mother will be 66, and grandmother will be 89. We know she now has dementia, before there were signs that it had partially been her acting it. There's not been debate on that part, just debate of when it went from act to reality.
And what poisoned how I feel about her wasn't the dementia or any of that. I had no issues helping her when needed. It's how she's treated us both worse than slaves with no care if we were sick (even before the dementia took hold). For as long as I can remember she's held little respect or care for either of us.
I had looked past all that for many years until she began accusing me of things.