MIL eating us out of house and home. I feel like I’m going to blow up.

Question

J

Jomichelle Asked April 2019

MIL eating us out of house and home. I feel like I’m going to blow up.

I posted about two months ago about my MIL moving in with us. There’s a whole backstory in that post, about how she lied to us about her income and is now refusing to do anything and how she was supposed to be a “roommate” paying her own way but she deceived us into totally supporting her (she kicks in $400 a month towards our $2200 rent, but in return we must pay her storage, car insurance, medications, and all her day to day expenses because she has no money left).

We are buying all the groceries and she eats A LOT for a tiny 78-year-old. We were a family of 3 and everything seems packaged for 3 so it’s always worked out, but now I have to buy TWO packs of chicken, cook TWO pounds of pasta, etc. She wants to be waited on, she eats all the snacks I buy for our 9-year-old’s lunch, I can’t deal anymore. On weekends, we like to order in, and she just takes it as a given that we will order her food too, when she’s perfectly capable of making herself a sandwich. I never imagined any of this.... there’s no “us” anymore (my husband, daughter and I), she has to be included in EVERYTHING.

My husband is working 10 hour shifts 7 days a week to support her... we are a young family saddled with student loans and medical debt, and I’m growing extremely resentful. She has decimated our standard of living and we never agreed to this, but what choice do we have now? She lied and told us her income was twice what it actually is, and we agreed to have her live with us because we were moving to a new state and felt bad leaving her behind with no other family.... but we NEVER agreed to support her. How do I confront this? My husband and I are miserable. She’s even pulling our child into it over and over (example: I gave her $75 for the week so she didn’t have to keep asking for gas money, etc; but the same night, I stopped to grab dinner and brought her back a small meal.... she later asked my 9 year old for half her biscuit because she told her “You’re mom just got me one piece of chicken... she knew I hadn’t eaten lunch and I was hungry!” She could’ve bought her own food with the money I gave her... she’s so out of line and I feel like I’m going to blow up.

Burnout Family Caregiver Multi-generational Living

7 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

Recent Questions

Related Questions

score 0 · Answer 1

She’s still there?!!

Helpful Answer (0)

score 1 · Answer 2

Ok, so first of all this is your husband's mother correct? What is his position in all of this, is he in agreement that something needs to change? Is he feeling taken advantage of? Next, you are giving her money for gas? So she owns and drives a car? How old is she and what is her medical status? Is she retired? It sounds like she might be perfectly capable of living alone how was she doing this prior to the move? Depending on the medical/needs situation it sounds like she may be using up a resource she could need more later, you and DH. There are several ways to address this including but not limited to putting your foot down and I'm all for using a gentler approach if possible but I don't feel like I have enough information to make suggestions yet.

Helpful Answer (1)

score 4 · Answer 3

She must get SS. There is Senior house that will take 30% of her income for rent. She will be responsible for electric and TV. She can get basic Cable for about $25. She should have enough for food. Can apply for food stamps.

I would not be paying for her gas or car insurance. If she can't afford the car, sell it. There is senior transportation.

Helpful Answer (4)

score 1 · Answer 4

It sounds like it would be better to have MIL living elsewhere. And apparently there's no reason she can't be living on her own. But at 78 she may find it difficult and overwhelming to do her own housing search.

Perhaps you could research subsidized senior housing in your city to see if MIL would qualify. (Depending on where you live, the waiting time for an available apartment may be quite lengthy, so look into nearby towns, too.) Another option would be to look for a room for her to rent -- Craigslist is one place to get a feel for the availability/cost of rentals in your area.

Helpful Answer (1)

score 3 · Answer 5

Can you, in your best voice and with support of hubby say,we need to make other arrangements. This is no longer working. Do this after the homework of where she can go.but I urge you to change your horse here.

Helpful Answer (3)

score 9 · Answer 6

You are allowed to change your mind. We are all allowed to quit jobs, get a divorce, move overseas. Otherwise we are slaves to the past and what we once thought months and years ago. You brought MIL with you because she would have no family if you left her behind when you moved states. That was kind. It hasn’t worked out the way you thought or she promised. Stop! At this point, she moves out. She will still have family locally but not under the same roof. A 78 year old who doesn’t have serious dementia or serious physical disabilities can make her own plans and her own decisions. Give her three months to move, offer to help her look around, and to apply for Medicaid if that is what it takes. You and DH get yourselves a backstop plan for where she goes if she doesn’t make her own choice. This will be difficult to do, but not as difficult as changing the way she acts.

Helpful Answer (9)

score 6 · Answer 7

OK, stop giving her money.. she has her own. Ask to see her financial records if she will, and make up a caregiver contract.. she is supposed to be a "roommate:, but she is not paying her way. You need to nip this in the bud

Helpful Answer (6)

MIL eating us out of house and home. I feel like I’m going to blow up.

7 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions

Ask a Question