My mother has always had anxiety over everything but while my Dad was alive her issues were minimized. I moved her here to live next door to me after he passed and over the past 7 years she has become worse and worse. I try to stay positive for my family (husband and disabled adult son, of whom I am the legal caregiver). Plus I have a full time job outside the home. My mom actually resents the idea that I have a job and will say things like “aren’t you supposed to be retired by now.” She bad mouths my husband to my face all the time. I honestly think that she sees my job and my family as deterrents to my giving her all of my attention. She is “sick” every single day. But really isn’t sick. Her mind is so completely negative that she actually believes that she is sick. Now she is starting the “if I have to live this way I don’t want to live anymore” speech. Her 90th birthday is next month and every year she gets really negative before her birthday but I don’t want to be pulled down into her pit with her. She’s my mother and I love her so it is so hard not to feel bad for her. Any suggestions out there how I can keep a happy outlook even while she is tearing me down all the time?
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I'd give that a try.
Elders who want to remain independent need to cooperate with the folks who are helping/propping them up.
They don't get to call all the shots and make their children their slaves.
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You cannot live her life for her. You cannot ensure her happiness. All you can do is set healthy boundaries for yourself so as to protect your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your husband, children and grandchildren.
Caregiving is hard enough without the negative attitude and pity parties. You have a life outside your mother. Your mother has chosen to let life pass her by. That is her choice. You have choices too.
When she starts in with the boo-hoo woe-is-me shtick, learn to say something like "Mom, your negativity is wearing me out. I will come back to discuss [insert task] when you're feeling better" then kiss her on the cheek and leave.
And for goodness sake do not stand there and listen to your mother bad mouth your husband! She does it because you let her.
On the other hand you need to set boundaries and stand your ground. Self-absorbed manipulation is unfortunately a human trait that can suck the life out of care givers.
Be clear, unpolagetically, with her that she is not your singular concern. This can be done lovingly and supportively but both you and your mother will benefit by being honest with her. Let her know that you love her, will support her choices, but will no longer tolerate abuse of others you love and care for.
In the years between ages 87 (when she became impossibly needy, anxious and depressed and when she died at 94, post stroke and post broken hip, the several geriatric psychiatrists were the docs who gave us the best advice, the best meds and the best overall picture of what my mom's needs were.
It sounds like your mom is in psychic pain, which is every bit as real as physical pain. Get her the help that she needs.
I would ask her what would she like when she gets started. She has a new home closer to family. If she says more time with you. Say sorry Mom, but I work a f/t job and have a special needs child. I would love to devote more time to you, but right now that is not possible. Would you like me to check into an Adult Center (don't say Daycare) where you could spend time with other people? A Senior center?
I can't stand this shellfish behaviour! My Mother is alway sick too! I've been dealing with her sickness since my early 20's and I am now 53. I want to have compassion and mercy and I feel guilty because I honesty don't care anymore. I do want to care but the burden has gone on for way too many years. I still do what I can, but whatever I do is never good enough. I may get an occasional Thank you, but I know it's only because she knows she went beyond the push me limit. It's a ploy to suck you back in.
She treats me like a child. Do this, do that, you are stupid. When I confront her, she turns up the volume on the TV to tune me out. It's all about HER, but then acts so sweet to everyone else who comes along and they all just love her! What a spunky fun Mother you have, they say! She is our favourite patient! Ummmm hmmmm, try dealing with her everyday as she lays on the guilt trips and cuts you and your family down because nobody is doing enough for her.
My Mom is so needy and self absorbed and it is a shame. We used to have a good relationship but the constant wearing me down, the expectations and demands has got me feeling like I am in prison. I want to feel the freedom of simply enjoying my life without her constant guilt trips.
I had to put my foot down and it was tough. Very tough.i want to love and enjoy my Mother. I can't stand being resentful of her trying to control my life. Yet all she thinks about is herself with no regards to me. I suggest you put your foot down as well. I can do this and that but nothing more. Here is the help I found for you and leave it at that. Otherwise she will consume your entire life.
But she cannot forbid you to talk to her doctor. You don't have any kind of duty of confidentiality to her, beyond good manners and your personal moral compass, and those are overruled by your duty of care.
Hope of potential treatment is one good reason for investigating a person's health, but it's not the only one. Understanding what is going on inside her head is equally important if you're to provide effective support that doesn't aggravate her or make you wretched.
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