She lives in FL in the winter and Ct in the summer. She does not want to go back to CT this year where all of our family is. Dr has told her she either has to get daily care check in or he will turn it over to social services. She is refusing everything and thinks she is fine. My sister and I have POA attorney, which mom does not recall drafting up. In the meantime my sister is verbally abusive toward her and is starting to get physical. What can I do? Any advice would help.
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Best way (or one way to handle this) is to tell her whatever may appease her in the moment, i.e., we are going to vist so-in-so who has a beautiful garden, who is an artist . . . or visit my old friend from college who is a . . . designer and has beautiful . . . to show us.
When for her own welfare, I believe it is NOT lying to 'try' to get her to go along with whatever you need her to do.
Your sister is a serious red flag and as someone said, could be arrested. Her behavior is likely a combination of burnout, lack of experience in how to deal with people w/dementia (as many people thrown in this role are totally unfamiliar with how to interact-relate to a person w/dementia), and how she feels about herself (low self-esteem, stress, resentment-past relationship issues with your mom). Whatever her issues are, she needs some education and timeouts IF she is going to be actively involved with your mom's care and decision making.
* Many/most people with brain cell deterioration will not know what they do not know/remember, etc. They will make definite statements of 'their truth.'
This is the disease. I encounter this all the time (with my clients). It can be tricky on how to respond - for all of us.
Do remember: MOST IMPORTANT FOR CARE PROVIDER:
DO NOT ARGUE WITH PERSON INFLICTED W DEMENTIA. Agree, redirect, give timeouts, hold their hand, look them in the eye and smile.
Think of how you'd want someone to respond/interact with you if this was you. Compassion, understanding. We all 'get caught in this net' no matter how educated or skillful, and experienced we may be.
This is not an easy road. It is PH.d. training in dementia. It is one of the most challenging areas of my life-work. And, I've lost over 70 lbs and kept it off for 35 years---that wasn't easy and often still isn't. But this 'dementia' is something else. Key for me was giving myself time outs and leaving - somehow shifting the current feelings / situation. Be it leaving for a minute, an hour, a day.
For one's own sanity, a person must learn how to set boundaries and be aware when their own "I can't take this anymore" moments pop up. Once that is reached, it is time to shift - somehow. Was I able to do this all the time. NO. It is a moment to moment or episode to episode decision. The more one is able to shift somehow, the more they will do that and not engage in this 'fight'.
I encourage you and your sister to sign up for Teepa Snow's webinars. Look at her website. She teaches people how to interact and work w/people with dementia. Teepa is brilliant and likely the country's - if not the world's expert - on dementia.
Remember and tell your sister, your mom DOESN'T react like this 'ON PURPOSE.' It is how her brain works.
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