My mother started declining at 90. Over these past 8 years her short term memory has declined. She has lost some cognitive abilities. But she’s incredibly compliant, less moody, kinder, says thank you more often. People say she has Dementia but she’s hasn’t had the bad personality change. I sometimes think it’s just old age memory loss and cognitive loss. Anyone experienced this? She has now got 24 hr caregiving at home. They make her meals, take her out for drives, help her bath. But she can walk around on her own, still use bathroom. Can go out to restaurants. She’s very sweet! Trust me I’m not complaining, it’s just that she was negative and so narcissistic before.
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I never had a close relationship with my mom and can only remember a handful of experiences/interactions with her - all negative. She was narcissistic and I could never get a word in. I limited my visits with her to holidays and a few 2-hour or less visits per year.
4 years ago she had a brain tumor removed and quickly spiraled into dementia requiring a memory care facility. I have visited her every week, driving 2 hours to do so. We finally had a good relationship! I looked forward to spending time with her and caring for her. She was a totally different person.
My life-long friends could not believe that I could ever have a relationship with her.
It was such a healing blessing for me to finally experience this.
However, she was and became increasingly resistant and combative to "cares". We finally agreed to put her on Seroquel for behaviors around cares. This makes one sleepy and fall risks are high. After 5 months of being on this med, my previously strong, agile 85-year-old mom, fell twice within a few weeks and passed in hospice a week later (one week ago).
I have heard this similar story from a few other women.
As a side note, my 93-year-old MIL, who was previously fairly sweet has become more self-centered. She is in a very nice memory care facility with dementia, and is much "higher functioning" than my mom. Lately she calls my husband all the time because she is lonely/bored. It is taking a huge toll on his health.
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The flip side is she is less argumentative, notices things less. For instance she might have put up a stink about dad and I decided to recover the sofas...or notice that I plucked 30 year old dusty baby's breath from her silk flower arrangement...as the disease progresses and the usual tasks are taken over by others you see the changes.
Others may see her as sweet...but we know what lies beneath the surface as well!
But, I had a trip to make, which took me closer to where she lives.
Decided that since it’s been over 7 years, maybe something’s changed.
Sister kept claiming Mom was fine, no blowups, stopped drinking, processed grief...IDK...maybe some of all those? Plus age.
And she knows she’s really messed some things up for her kids, so wants to make some kind of closure with each.
So, we surprised them.
Same as sis loves doing [finally, I got to surprise back!!!]. I really didn’t know what to expect, until I got face-2-face. Spouse was ready to instantly extract me from any hint of conflict by them.
But it went BETTER than well.
Nope, I didn’t get answers to some burning questions...everyone’s saving face by refusing to admit they all behaved badly for so long.
But Mom?
She sat there, REALLY listening/hearing, processing information, thinking about it, asking questions, accepting answers. Coherent conversation!
She was, in short, her true, smart, compassionate-hearted, loving self.
She did that ....for over 10 hrs... the 1st day, taking few small breaks, all while keeping calm, no anger, no Excuses, very little diversion into her world of watching TV talking heads.
Extremely remarkable!
I’m the eldest; she’s over 90.
I’d not seen her do that in my entire life, so calm, rational, etc., thinking human, for so many hours in a row...maybe since I was a toddler.
It was spiritual, too.
I cannot expect more, nor better.
It was a Blessed GIFT. It lifted me up for 2 weeks. I still feel lighter for it.
She actually heard me, and took in the fullness of all the subjects discussed.
She really heard me tell her I loved her, no matter what.,,,she’s never really done that, & believed it herself.
And she heard me recount how we all understood how hard that was for her...to really take it in & believe it, when someone said they loved her, because we all understood her life. She understood, and got it, when I told her how much her own Mom loved her, too...but that she’d been unable to believe that, because of how G’ma had stayed with her abusive spouse...little kids perceive that “mom can’t protect me, because she keeps staying with the abuser”...she finally understood that. And more.
It was healing for all present.
Intuition, before the visit, told me she may not have much longer, once we visited. But, she may still need to do similar closure with a couple of her other kids.
Blessings! Keep the space open in one’s heart, to allow something like that to happen, and it might increase the odds.
It’s not guaranteed, though. I had to be prepared to never hear from any of them ever again, when they moved her out of our place, the way they behaved.
It had been critically important for me & spouse to keep all contact in print, for our protection and recuperation...because family has a deep behavior imprint of being manipulative, & playing games like gaslighting.
Having resolved to live with that decision, to save ourselves, meant this GIFT was much larger than I could have ever hoped for.
Worth keeping that space open in my heart, despite the hurt, just in case something changed for the better.
And it did.
Blessings!
Thankful for those on this site & others where it was pointed out that some forget they were angry.
Went through the same thing w/my Mom and wow was it a gift. Thats the person who I miss the most, the one who freaked me out w/her sudden acceptance of me after decades of, well what you experienced (w/the "scary" years leading up to her personality change).
A friend who offers spiritual care told me he's seen it so many times, he recognizes it as them returning to their true selves.
Before she forgot she was angry & usually with me, I don't believe those words would be of any amount of comfort, & I don't know if its true although it would be cool to believe that.
I do remember it was a challenge to plain accept she had grown in to a woman who was actually happy to see or hear from me. Took a long time to not expect the critical tones, sharp cutting remarks to be present or inferred, well you know the routine.
My heart goes out to all caregivers.
maw was always very kind and considerate and as she developed Alzheimer's..she continued to be the same.. Not all people have that experience.. So I'm really encouraged to read all the good experiences.
It is so refreshing and cheering to read your account - long may your mother continue to enjoy life, and long may you and her family enjoy this new mellow version of her.
We never really do know how they're processing stuff & maybe there's just a point their brain gets tired of resisting everything.
She always says "thank you" to me and tells me how much she loves me. Naturally this makes caregiving for her easier for me.
I consider myself lucky that she's been this way.
Jenna
Unfortunately in my case, when my Mom was in her 90's, she wasn't a happy camper. She was not aging gracefully. And in part I could understand why as she was losing her hearing and eye sight, I would turn into a bear, too.
Let's hope, Molly, that your Mom continues with this easy going change in personality. Could be with some memory loss she doesn't feel like she has the world on her shoulders.