I'm posting this for my domestic partner who has a daughter who is jealous of what we have and does not want us together. Need help.

I’m with realyreal. Troll.

Sometimes, shes the “Domestic Partner” as stated in the heading of the original post. Sometimes, she’s the mom as in her replies to Barb and me. Sometimes, she’s just a friend trying to help out another friend - who doesn’t have a computer - as in her reply to NYDaughter.

Yep. Troll - and not even a good Troll, at that.

My son was not happy with us when he was 15, and there was no marriage change, just time of his declaring self and testing limits.  Maybe.  He wanted no therapy (because he knew everything) and I had some therapy to help with handling the situation(s)  My husband and I were fair, consistent, had consequences for some behaviors, and let him know we loved him.  A few years later he let us know how great we were compared to parents of his friends.  I believe 15 is worse than the 'terrible twos'.  I hope your friends can weather it.

After he was out on his own, living a continent away, my husband, his father, died.  I began dating after a year.  He didn't like it.  When we went to visit, I reassured my son that I still was his Mom, loved him, and just wanted him to meet the new man in my life.  I said his relationship with my man-friend was up to the 2 of them.  I just asked that he be polite.  It took awhile, but they get along very well now.

There’s one important thing I learned caring for my elderly parents: our life here is short.

We have to enjoy every minute and find our own happiness.

JoAnn29

He probably wouldn't.This is a story to help Jen2720

Jen2720

His name is Jeff Rohrer He's 59 former Dallas Cowboys player. I am You can Google search him. You can go to People.com to see the article as well. Ironically he has a 15 yr old daughter and a son 14

Jen, if you have a 15 year old daughter who is NOT jealous and upset about parents getting divorced and a new partner appearing on the scene, then you are probably in a small minority. She may get over it, or then again she may not. There are many posts on this site about step-children who resent second marriages for two or three decades. I could tell my own story, resentment of my second husband who I married 20 years after first husband left. It would be good to lower your expectations. You have nothing to prove.

I am totally confused by this post. I’m not anti gay in the least but this is the Aging forum site. I’m reading about a teenage girl. Good luck to you anyway.

Congratulations!

You are are very brave to make this change — you must follow your heart. Being true to yourself is the right choice.

Your 15-year old is acting like a typical teenager. She will get used to a new normal.

All of us need to work to be resilient and accepting. Your daughter will grow from this experience.

I’m sure that your life as a biological family wasn’t perfect - both your kids should be supportive of your increased (and true) happiness.

Your love for your daughter is unconditional. I hope she starts treating you reciprocally.

I’m proud of your son for adapting.

Jenn, so now you are saying this is you and your daughter and your girlfriend, started out as a friend.

I think that this is all about controversy and none of your posts are real. What is called a troll.

This is about caregiving, not relationships that have nothing to do with caregiving. I am shocked that no one else can see the flashing red lights.

Being part of the LGTB community you would know the resources available to support you.

Okay, everyone can be mad at me, this poster has brought up really controversial issues with every question and I think it is not the forum for her issues. I believe that it is a troll.

While I don't claim the LGBT factor couldn't be part of the issue, I just don't know enough about your daughter and life to say, I do know first hand that this isn't uncommon in any divorce/new relationship/ remarriage situation and in my experience the age of each child (and probably gender) can make a big difference. Anyway it's not uncommon but it also doesn't mean your daughter will always be at odds with your life partner or unaccepting of the new family. I was about 13 when my parents separated, my mom moved in with my 6th grade teacher and my dad started dating and moved in with a woman I had sort of known throughout my life but not well. Anyway I was NOT happy about it and while I wasn't outwardly difficult and nasty I resented the heck out of her, felt she was driving a wedge between my dad and I, infusing her life and rules on us when we were just starting to set up shop as a family of 4 (when with my dad). Her food was different, I resented her creating or just enforcing any "rules" and I probably sensed that the relationship would never work but she ended up with a lot of my anger and confusion about the bigger picture targeted at her from me anyway and I realize now that wasn't fair or correct. The relationship didn't last too long she wanted to move several states away and wanted my dad to go with her but he refused to leave his kids, he and my mom remained good friends and we didn't have a "schedule" for going back and forth. But I remember one Christmas after H moved and they split, I don't remember if it was the same year or the next but I ran into her while shopping at department store in the area (she was back to see family for the holidays) and all I felt was love, I gave her a big long hug and remember being brought to tears, lots of release so I obviously was closer to her and more comfortable than I let myself admit. I think had they been right for each other and stayed together we would have gotten through my stuff accepted her and even become close I was just a mixed up 14-15 year old who's world was turned upside down. In fact in many ways it's very possible she took the brunt of my pain because a part of me knew it was a safe place to aim it.

As long as your partner loves your kids as a part of you and is willing to do the work, take the crap deserved or not, you will navigate your way through this but be patient with your daughter she probably has a lot of stuff she's just focusing in the wrong place and why wouldn't she, give her the space and support to work through it. That likely means her own therapist when she's ready and perhaps some family therapy time too. Not sure where your ex stands in all of this but if you are still on good terms that can only help. This is not a new or uncommon situation so don't feel singled out, of course each one just like the people involved are different but non of you are alone. Hang in there.

Why can't a 15 yr old be jealous. Here is a child who has gone thru a divorce of her Mom and Dad. Her Mom has chosen to bring someone into their lives. (Not saying this is wrong) I can see her being jealous. She does not have Moms undivided attention. I think its a good that she felt she could tell Mom she is jealous.

This too will pass.

Jenn2720 - Thank you for you reply to my post.

I understand that your daughter said to you that she was jealous. But I have to agree with Barb - I honestly don’t think a 15 yr old is mature enough nor self-aware enough to dissect the depth of emotion in a situation such as yours. If anything, they use the word “jealous” to downplay their anger. Your daughter does probably realize that anger is more socially unacceptable so “jealousy” is used instead. And, while she may be angry- it is probably fear and insecurity that is at the root of it all.

JMHO

A few questions.
How long have you known your future wife? And at what point did you introduce her to your family?
1. Yes she might be jealous of someone "taking you away" from her. You are dividing your attention now and that can hurt.
2. She may have "opinions" or feelings about same sex couples. Have you discussed this with her?
3. How does your ex feel about same sex couples? Is it possible that she is mirroring those feelings, thoughts and ideas? (and is he "hurt" by any of this the divorce, you finding a partner? this might be her way of protecting him)
4. Have you been a "religious" family before? and if so how does your church or clergy feel about same sex couples? She may be conflicted about this as well.
5. Is she afraid of what her "friends" might think or say?

The age of 15 is a crappy time of life anyway. So much peer pressure to be ..."perfect".."smart"..."pretty"..."popular" and all the rest of that "bs"

Make sure you MAKE time for you two alone...girls time..do something special just make sure she knows that she is still #1. (and your kids should always be #1)

Side note..if any one is rude or offensive please report the answer. This is a forum where we should all feel safe in asking the questions we NEED answered and we should not judge anyone. As my Grandma said..If you can't say something nice don't say anything.

Happy Mothers Day

Most 15 year olds dont have the vocabulary to explain feelings that are this complicated.

You asked for our opinions. I'm giving you mine. It is of no matter to me if you agree or not. Hope this works out.

Just sending you support and prayers for a positive outcome in this difficult situation. You have two teenagers so that in itself is challenging :) Wishing you only the best

Most teenagers are opposed to their divorced parents getting together with someone else.

It means that the fantasy that they have that their parents will reunite won't come true.

Most teenagers believe, at least subconsciously, that a breakup was their fault. And they retain the magical thinking that they can get parents back together.

The fact that you think this has to do with "jealousy" on the part of a 15 year old is disturbing.

I think that your partner should seek counseling to get good advice on dealing with realistic expectations of her teenagers in a divorce/remarriage situation.
(EDITED TO CORRECT TYPO)

It’s likely that you’ll view my response as mean or negative - it’s absolutely not meant that way.

I have zero issues with same sex couples nor anyone from the LGBTQ community. As the cliche’ goes - some of my best friends are LGBTQ and my stepdaughter - after several miserable, dysfunctional hetro relationships is finally in - her first - a stable, healthy relationship... with another woman. I couldn’t be more pleased.

So anyhoo - the first thing that hit me was the use of the word “jealous” in your post. I highly doubt this young teenager is jealous of you nor of your relationship with her mother. What she probably is - is scared, insecure and depressed. The foundation of her life - the safety and security of her family - as she has known for her entire life is gone. It’s now being replaced with something and someone new, different and unfamiliar.

Being a a teenager is hard enough and now her whole existence as she had known it to be - is gone.

I definitely think family counseling would do a world of good. As a group which includes her father and as separate individuals - at least for the daughter and for YOU. Thinking that a teenager in this situation is “jealous” of you... well, that’s really messed up.

And - for what it’s worth - I would be giving this exact same advice regardless of the sexual orientation of the players involved. Just saying...

I can recommend a book that a friend wrote on gay marriage and parenthood of children of a previous straight relationship. It's called "Out and About Dad." His kids were younger when he came out, but the humor and sensitivity with which he handled their feelings and his partner's may be helpful.

Before I give my opinion, I want to say my cousin is Gay and lives in Cal. He is in his 60s and is starting to see discrimination coming back around, full force.

The teens are such a vulnerable age. 15 especially. This is a time of finding out who you are as a person. Learning to deal with sexual feelings that the mind is really not able to understand and control.

If you were marrying a man, she may feel the same way, maybe not. Personally, I would not push the subject and I would not marry at this time. I wouldn't even have the GF live with me. Your daughters feelings are what is important here. She needs her mother the most in the next 3 years. Lots of milestones. Let her grow and mature. You have to let her come to terms with who you are. Maybe some counseling will help. Remember, her feelings are important. Whether you agree with them or not. If anything, you both need to learn to respect each other and the choices you make. She needs to respect your GF, no matter her feelings but you should not push this woman on her.

Ur daughter will be on her own in a few years. If not a 4 yr college, maybe a 2yr or even working. Her world will broaden, She will make new friends. You will no longer be the center of her world. I would hold off any marriage decisions till then.

Teenagers are just awful :) having said that, it could be more an issue of you having found someone else and her nuclear family (mom, dad & sibs) is never going to be the 'same'.

Love is love--I firmly believe that. Your daughter is at an age when everything a parent does is incredibly embarrassing.

Let her know you love you SO and you want her to be a part of this blended family. Time will often cure these issues. How long have you been with your partner?

Make sure she spends as much time with dad as she can. Give her the space and time to accept this new dynamic. Think about how this would have impacted you if this had been your mom. It's kind of a lot to take in.

Forced therapy is pointless. Leave the door open on that. She may be more amenable to it later.

How does this impact upon you caring for your mother? I'm a bit confused by your profile where you say you're caring for your mother?

Interesting you mention this. There is an article in recent US or OK magazine where an ex football player came out as gay and lives with his partner . He was married and has 2 kids. In short he lives with his partner in his ex wife and their 2 teen kids son and daughter. It's a good read


.

Agree with providing your daughter an option for therapy. Make an appt and accompany her but let her know that what she tells the therapist will not be shared with anyone due to confidentiality.
Just because you have found the love of your life doesn’t mean your daughter may not be conflicted as to male & female roles and relationships. However she feels, it is not wrong - she has a right to feel that way.

Being a teen is hard- lots of peer pressure, confusion about their own identity and what to plan for after high school.

Give her time and the opportunity to see a therapist. Undoubtedly she is confused. She’s been through a divorce between her parents and now this.
Show her through your interactions with your new SO that she still matters to you, & give her security in that this doesn’t mean she is losing you like she may feel she lost her father.

Good luck to you!

Blended families have many problems regardless of orientation. Life is hard for teenagers. Get her daughter a therapist. She needs guidance and support. Is her dad in her life?

Wondering why you are posting this on an Aging Care forum

not much you can do. I've your life, remain open to accepting your daughter when she is ready.

Just like inter-racial marriage of the past...some people need a bunch of time to get used to it, some people never do.