I do ALL the work to keep mom in her house so it's easy for my brother, who lives 3000 miles away, to insist she stay at home cause he's not doing a damn thing! I AM VERY VERY VERY BURNED OUT and can't take it anymore! So that's why I want to move her, plus I actually think it will be better for her there; more people around and stimulation.
No, there is no other family or friends around who can help. What to do??
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You can see that you are propping up the whole situation, both for your mother and your brother. You have to stop doing that before anything will change – burning you out is their best option, you aren’t the priority here, why shouldn’t it just go on nicely like this? While you keep trying to do your best, nothing will change – unless and until this all comes true and you really do collapse. Then it will all change immediately, so make it happen while you are still OK.
So I had to come back immediately-and worse- move in! to protect my mother from his reckless idea! So now...5 months later I'm even MORE burned out! Doctor has limited ability to effect change in the family, but i'm working that angle too. I hired a GCM to try to advocate for me with my brother...too soon to tell if it will work.
If she’s fully competent, back away. She’s going to refuse to move anywhere if you’re doing everything for her.
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I suggest you tell him you need two weeks vacation. He can come and take over her care or you pack her things and take her to his place and drop her off there. That way he'll understand what it is like to be a caregiver.
If he doesn't like either options above, then go ahead and move mom to a facility. Those who don't help have no say in the matter.
Who is Mom's medical and financial Power of Attorney? If you are both, then you have a more powerful say in Mom's future.
What happens is that our much older parents still view us as a "child" who can do anything, with unlimited energy. My own parents, also in their 90's, were the same way. I was a senior myself and my energy ship had sailed a few years prior to my folks needed some help. After that my parents continued on with their life style while I had to change my own.
Sadly, many of us had to wait until there was a serious medical issue where a parent needed 911, hospital, rehab, and then a senior facility. I honestly thought my parents were going to outlive me.