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Almazul2019 Asked May 2019

Want to move mom from house to assisted living memory care...mom doesn't want to go and brother will fight me on it. What to do?

I do ALL the work to keep mom in her house so it's easy for my brother, who lives 3000 miles away, to insist she stay at home cause he's not doing a damn thing! I AM VERY VERY VERY BURNED OUT and can't take it anymore! So that's why I want to move her, plus I actually think it will be better for her there; more people around and stimulation.


No, there is no other family or friends around who can help. What to do??

MargaretMcKen May 2019
My take on this is that you need to work on the fact that you are ‘very very burnt out’. Instead of putting up the best front you can, do the opposite in the doctor’s office and say that you are worried about a collapse, taking too many sleeping tablets because you are too stressed to sleep, whatever you can think of. The doctor says that you need a solid break, urgently and within a month. You tell this to brother, say that you are going away for a month in a month’s time, and that you just haven’t the energy to organise what will happen while you are gone. You hope that’s enough time for him to get things organised himself.

You can see that you are propping up the whole situation, both for your mother and your brother. You have to stop doing that before anything will change – burning you out is their best option, you aren’t the priority here, why shouldn’t it just go on nicely like this? While you keep trying to do your best, nothing will change – unless and until this all comes true and you really do collapse. Then it will all change immediately, so make it happen while you are still OK.
almazul May 2019
i actually already did just that. But the problem is my brother is a raving alcoholic so it's not safe to leave my mother entrusted to him. His solution when i "quit" at Xmas time was to scream at me. Then he was going to move a strange man into her house --no reference checks, no nothing -- allegedly to take over my role(!) (I later found out this guy was homeless last year and uses drugs and alcohol and tobacco. But still my brother doesn't care and defends this irrational choice!! you see, i'm dealing with a very irrational brother....)
So I had to come back immediately-and worse- move in! to protect my mother from his reckless idea! So now...5 months later I'm even MORE burned out! Doctor has limited ability to effect change in the family, but i'm working that angle too. I hired a GCM to try to advocate for me with my brother...too soon to tell if it will work.
mollymoose May 2019
Is she competent to make her own decisions? If not, are you POA? If she’s NOT competent and you’re not POA, call social services on her.

If she’s fully competent, back away. She’s going to refuse to move anywhere if you’re doing everything for her.

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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Let him fight you. Fight back! You’re strong! You have been doing all the heavy lifting! The hard work! Walked the walk! He can talk but doesn’t walk the walk like you do! What has he done? Zip, Zilch, Nada! He’s inferior to you! You can beat him by a mile!

I volunteer to be your cheerleader!

polarbear May 2019
Your brother has NO idea how stressful it is to take care of mom.

I suggest you tell him you need two weeks vacation. He can come and take over her care or you pack her things and take her to his place and drop her off there. That way he'll understand what it is like to be a caregiver.

If he doesn't like either options above, then go ahead and move mom to a facility. Those who don't help have no say in the matter.
NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Great suggestion!
anonymous809828 May 2019
If it were me, I think I would look at my options and then make a decision and move forward. I might ask my brother to contribute toward a housekeeper or home help aide if he was able. If he can't, then you can listen to his advice to help keep the peace but maybe the ultimate decision is yours. Perhaps he'd like to have mom come and live with him, or maybe he can relocate to her home. I moved my mother in with me, after assisted living didn't work out for her. That was a year ago, and as her disease progresses we consider that we may need to find another memory care facility for her. I have the full support of the involved siblings, and the uninvolved siblings, (there are 3) don't get a vote. My mom wouldn't want me to be exhausted and at my wits end trying to care for her. There are some very nice facilities that do indeed keep your loved ones safe and happy. Good luck to you, I hope you can find the answer that works best.

freqflyer May 2019
Almazul2019, oh my gosh you have a lot on your plate. I have read your profile and can fully understand why it would be best for your Mom and for you if Mom moved to Memory Care.

Who is Mom's medical and financial Power of Attorney? If you are both, then you have a more powerful say in Mom's future.

What happens is that our much older parents still view us as a "child" who can do anything, with unlimited energy. My own parents, also in their 90's, were the same way. I was a senior myself and my energy ship had sailed a few years prior to my folks needed some help. After that my parents continued on with their life style while I had to change my own.

Sadly, many of us had to wait until there was a serious medical issue where a parent needed 911, hospital, rehab, and then a senior facility. I honestly thought my parents were going to outlive me.

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