Where are my siblings to help in some way to care for Mom?

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Lovieleeglo Asked May 2019

Where are my siblings to help in some way to care for Mom?

I am one of seven surviving siblings and I am the primary and usually sole caregiver to "our" aging mother. I look at social media and all the fun my siblings are having with their lives and I wonder why they can give their time to sooo many of their friends but not give one 60 minute period of time to the woman that cared for them and gave every 60 minutes of her time to them? I am astonished at the selfishness and lack of consideration they have displayed to "our" mother, when she needs them the most. I am upset and angry at the blatant disregard they have for me and my life, and the many sacrifices I made for them as they grew into adulthood. I have put my "retirement" on hold to care for Mom, and I watch my children and grandchildren not get too much attention from their Mom and Grandma, because I am relegated to being "Caregiver." I'm not complaining, I will continue to get my blessing for my self-less-ness.. but that doesn't mean that I'm not pissed when I see the look in "our" mother's face of special days that she gets "NO RECOGNITION". Not even a mindless card! Shame on my siblings! God is looking at you and he's frowning tooo!

Family Caregiver Siblings

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score 0 · Answer 1

Thank you for your post!
A lot of caregivers feel the same way about no help from their siblings.
I, too, am the sole caregiver for my Daddy. I have asked for help from my siblings and they have stepped up when asked. (the ones that can help) so I have no complaints. I have two siblings that cannot help. Anyway, yes our parents cared for us for their whole life as we care for our children for our whole life. We don't only care for our children for the time they live with us we care for them ALWAYS! Just as our parents care for us.
Some siblings think that because we do the care-giving we don't need a break or help, sometimes we just need an hour.
COME BY AND SEE YOUR PARENT(S)!!! WE AIN'T ASKING FOR A LIFETIME JUST COME SEE THEM GEEZ!
This is what I did for Mothers day I made a special lunch here at the house and I told my siblings they were welcome to come and if they did to bring their favorite side dish to go with XYZ. I made the main dish and they could bring whatever. Some came some didn't. My Daddy had a blast with those who came and I posted it on social media and tagged those who came and didn't come.

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score 4 · Answer 2

They made their choices and you made yours. You stepped up; they didn't.

Your post sounds very angry. It's okay to feel anger. Denying it and stuffing it down inside isn't going to help you.

Try making direct requests to each of your sibs. For example:
"Brother dear, will you come over and watch a movie with our mother on Sunday?"
"Sister darling, will you come over and help me prepare meals for our mother on Saturday?"
"Dearest sibling of mine, will you come over and have dinner with our mother on Tuesday for no particular reason other than she misses you?"
"Sweet sibling, will you take our mother with you on your next family vacation? She sees all the pictures you post on Facebook!"
Ask your question and then be quiet and listen as they squirm on the other end of the phone or pick their jaw up off the floor.

In my experience with my own selfish brothers in law, people don't offer their time to do actual things; they say "Let me know how I can help" and then the burden is on you to figure out how they can help. I think they hope they never get called upon and most of them never do.

Helpful Answer (4)

Thank you for the insight and the encouragement. I have tried to extend the olive branch to the siblings and only two actually carve out some time to come by periodically. I'm good for now.. I guess I just needed to blow some steam to someone(s) who would understand. Thank you again for your comment.

(1)

score 4 · Answer 3

Please, I hope this isn't offensive. But we all have choices to make. And you have to do what you have to do. Sometimes other people, even siblings, aren't happy with that. If you've talked to them and explained the situation and they are not responsive to your concerns, then maybe stop your 'relegated' role as caregiver. But only if you're ok with that, without any external influence. And I completely get when you say 'our' mother. But not everyone defines that in the same way. Your children and grandchildren deserve for your to be a big part of their life. I hope you find a way to turn that around and do that.

Helpful Answer (4)

Thank you for your input and insight. I had to look up the word "relegated" to ensure I was using it in its correct context and unfortunately I did not. (I should have looked it up before I used it.) I understand what you are saying, however, I feel that "our" mother showed us all the same amount of love when we were growing up. I know, I'm one of the elder siblings, and she deserves better from her children than what she is getting. I'm just saying! But you know what? She's got me, and I am with her all the way to the end.. no matter what! I am getting my blessings, but I know she is disheartened by the treatment of her children. That I know for sure.

(1)

score 1 · Answer 4

I understand what you are saying. My husband has been bed bound for the better part of six years. During that time, none of his 3 surviving sibs or their spouses have ever called, emailed or texted asking how he is or if I’d like some respite time. 2 of them were out and about last year and I heard they planned to “ drop in”. My son is in contact with his cousin and I told him to relay the message that they are not welcome in my home, especially unannounced. When hubby was younger, he put his family above all else and we had to be available for lawn upkeep, babysitting, home improvements, etc. That help was never returned. My heart breaks for him because these are his blood relatives.

This anger is eating you up inside. That’s obvious from your post. It’s not bothering your sibs, so don’t let it bother you. You can try an experiment: send each sib a registered letter saying you are at the end of your caregiving tenure. You are searching for a facility for Mom. When it hits the fan, as it surely will, explain that since no help is ever forthcoming and they seem to have forgotten Mom’s still around, you need to regain your own life. If they’d like to create a schedule for each of them to pitch in with Mom’s care, you’d be glad to help them. If they don’t follow through, you will resume your search for a facility. Don’t yell, don’t argue, don’t accuse, don’t dredge up all the wrongdoings. Just be very firm in your plans even if you know you have no intention of putting Mom in a facility.

Unfortunately, situations like this make people show their true colors.

Helpful Answer (1)

Thanks for the insight. You are right, I'm angry, but I will not allow my anger to cloud my care of Mom. She was and still remains a good role model, provider, complement, helper, and influencer for me to this day. She continues to show me that her body may be frail and failing, but her mind is sharp and tuned. Her ears and eyes may be dulling and blurring but her resolve is to make each one of her days count. So, we will survive together. I just needed to blow some steam to those who I hoped would understand. Thank you!

(4)

Where are my siblings to help in some way to care for Mom?

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