She lives in an independent, safe, small apartment community of people who look out for each other. She recently had a major surgery and I stayed for a month. Made sure she has sources for handyman, cleaner, groceries, meals, dog walker and transportation help if she would ask. She smokes and has a small dog that is a companion to her but has issues.
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What are your mother's health and care issues? She's seen off three caregivers, and you don't want to be next on her hit list, that's for certain. But you don't have major surgery for nothing; and even prior to that, you say she moved in with your younger brother because she couldn't look after her house any more. Why not?
If it should turn out that she actually is not thriving in this community - sounds perfect to me! But all the same - have you considered finding her a facility with a higher level of care?
The house required maintenance. My brother lived an hour away and worked 60 hours a week. Mom felt he should be there more and she shouldn't have to pay someone for small repairs. He did some.
Her surgery was for a benign ovarian tumor found while repairing a perforated ulcer. She's had IBD for a couple of years now. Otherwise she takes care of herself and drives safely for now. Is on an anti depressant that works well.
I believe she can choose to cultivate a friendship or two and give back in some way. She says she's just not a "joiner" and will not consider assisted living.
What is right for your situation? Sounds like you already know and am testing it out here and yes, it is perfectly OK to stay a caring daughter instead of a full-time caregiver.
That is my choice too.
I have a friend who's Mother begged & begged to move in. He works fulltime as does his wife. There is a cultural expectation too but his wife being a different culture did not share this view & did not want to be a caregiver at all, in any way. He had the guilts sooo bad.
They took in Mother for a few weekend visits. She sat like a Queen, with expectation that Dil attended her every need. Lonely, unhappy, complaining (? depressed).
They quickly realised moving her in would be just a little 'bandaid' fix - to the problem - which seemed to be loneliness. Wouldn't actually SOLVE the problem. (On questioning, she had been slowly withdrawing from activities). She wanted company but didn't seem any happier when with them anyway. They decided on advice (for depression), AL near them & visited often.
My Aunt on the other hand, moved herself to AL & is staying social. She said she didn't want to rattle around the big house alone once she became a widow & has pushed herself to join in & make new friends. I hope I can be like that.
I keep up on her Dr's, financial stuff and visit her 3-4 times a year. It is enough.
Thank you for your perspective, it helped.
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After a week or so, she will be ready to return to her home.
Still since I was there taking care of her recently I've discovered she will expect more than I can handle even living nearby. The suggestions about moving in with me (and my partner) started after her surgery.
After my dad died, then her mom six months later, she moved in with my younger brother because she couldn't take care of her house anymore. Five months after she moved in with him he died of a heart attack. So she moved out of state to live near her brother and his wife. He died the following year. His wife travels frequently. There is no other reason for her to stay. However, I think the community she's living in now is perfect for her situation now. She's lonely during the holidays but I've offered to get her here to spend holidays with us and she won't travel.
I feel guilty because she's been through so much.
The elderly have to keep busy as possible. Mom has to make a consious decision to push herself a little to do. Major operations take a while to come back from. The older we get more so. Your Mom would vegetate living with you.
You say she asks to live with you. If you mean, or if she means, that she wants to leave this very nice-sounding community, give up smoking, give up her dog, give up her independence, and cross state lines to live somewhere where she knows nobody except you - well, that's quite a change she's considering, yes? So what could be pushing her to want to do that?
Mom I think your best option is to stay here where you have friends, resources and your familiar with. You would lose all that living with me. I can't be everything to u and with my health problems, I just can't care for you like you should be cared for.
She recently had surgery so she probably is looking at her life differently. Also, u being there for the month was probably nice but she has to get back to her life. She may not realize that your health problems are such that just caring for yourself is hard.
Really, she is better where she is. She will be bored living with you. Then she will expect you to fill in the spaces.
Thank you for your answer. This is how I will approach the conversation the next time it comes up.