My father is 78 years old, and has undergone a horrific medical journey which started the week before Xmas and is still ongoing now. He was living alone and walking with a cane (barely) from a past back surgery. As his condition worsened, we decided to go to the ER (the week before Xmas). That was the beginning of the end. In January, we found out he has bladder cancer. But if that wasn’t bad enough, his journey took many turns which also brought him to two different hospitals, two different rehabs, and now which he is getting treatment for the cancer, has landed him as a private pay resident in long-term care (Temporarily).
Both mentally and physically my father has had to deal with a lot since his cancer diagnosis in January. I’m not sure if he has dementia (doctors say he does) but he has also battled anxiety, depression, and extreme isolation. He has lived alone for 45 years and basically has done everything for himself. The way he used to live it’s not exactly what I would call normal, but it worked well for him and he was happy or so he said. As you would imagine my father feels completely helpless since he's now gone from a 3 BR house and a car, to a single bedroom, no independence at all, and very little interaction despite me visiting him for 3 to 4 hours a day every day.
Eventually I plan on bringing my father to my home to live with me . I’m 51, an only child, married, and my last child is heading to college in August. I’m doing the best I can for him but I have to focus some of my time on getting my daughter ready for college. My father asked very little of me in fact it’s become so isolated that he rarely even expect me to visit although I do anyway . He keeps saying he wants to go home and more-so he wants his car. Both are completely not possible. His house is set high in a hill and it’s not even equipped for a wheelchair (which is now pretty much his main means of transportation.). When he asks about his car, I tell him it’s at safe and at his house but he can’t drive now because it’s just not safe. He sounds completely normal when he tells me that he’s never gotten a ticket (which is true) and he would be careful. How do I get it through to him that he can not drive! I hate sounding like a mom and I hate being in this position to tell my 78 year old father that he just can’t drive..... there are time when his cognitive status is not good, but he doesn’t see that. I feel like I’m holding him hostage. Help please!!!!
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I'm so very sorry your dad, and you, are forced to deal with so many medical issues in his senior years. I applaud you for reaching out; asking questions and seeking solutions!! Always Remember: "You are a good daughter"!!
Your journey to help your dad has "only begun".... this road gets harder so prepare yourself (and your dad) for that. Telling dad he can't drive anymore is just a "symptom" of a much larger issue you both must deal with whether dad/you realize, like it or not. Dad is aging & needs help - he can't do / live independently like before.
Suggestion: "Dad, I know you would never intentional hurt anyone, Right? (get agreement) So until the doctors tell me you are 100% healthy enough to drive; you won't be able to drive.
I know it's hard for you to hear & believe me, it's hard for me to tell you, but "your safety and the safety of others" is the most important fact we must focus on.
Dad, your driving days may be over...this is hard & disappointing to accept; I'm here for you & will help you thru this life transition.
Remember, I'll have to face/accept not being able to drive when I'm older, too, so you're helping me!!
About caring for seniors: Learn (dept of aging; sites like this one; ask dad insurance co. questions &
ask for them help....most have social workers / counselors you can talk to. Do Not embark on this journey "alone" unless "you are" dad's only source of help...even then; ask & get help from others.
Questions to help you focus: Does dad have a Will or Living Trust? Do you have other siblings; including any step sis-bro?
Who has "legal" POA (Power of Attorney)? Who has "medical" POA?...you'll NEED both to help your dad. Is your dad a wartime veteran (has DD214 honorable discharge document in his possession?) Does dad receive Soc Sec?...if Yes; you may want to apply to be his "Payee" so you can step in if he's unable to manage his affairs. Do you know about ALL his bills/obligations?
Are you on his bank accounts, savings, etc. **Your dad must be in agreement & authorize you to be on / in all his business** if there are other siblings, exwives,
business partners, this can be a slippery slope so seek credible advice from reputable attorney with expertise re: elder care.
Many blessings to you & your dad. I quit my job at 64 to care for my 90+ mom / dad in my home.
Hardest job I've ever had!! My dad was "VERY" difficult; he passed late 2018. Mom is an angel & is now in 6-bed board & care with 24 hr caregivers. I don't recom-
mend bringing dad into your home...healthy boundaries get very blurred & parents (esp my dad) always want / demand respect & forget "they" need help - not you which is why they are in your home. Each family is different; you decide...but please, Be honest with yourself, Your husband must also be honest & on board with you. Your life will change "drastically". Be prepared
so you make informed, mature decisions - naivity will be a deficit.
Good luck!
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I would ask the doctor to order him a mobility scooter, which may be paid by insurance.
Things you can say:
I will look into it.
When the doctor says it is safe.
We will ask the doctor, and revisit this topic as you improve.
Not now because of the medications, but it is not for me to say.
When you take a test to have your license renewed. When is it due? Let me see it.
I will take you to the DMV when it is time.
I am keeping your car maintained for when the time comes, it will be ready. Then change the topic.
It needs a new battery. Do you want to buy one now, or wait?
The registration has expired, do you have the money to renew it?
Change subject, redirect him to other activities, what do you want for lunch?
Divert his attention to other needs he has.
Such a hard time all the way around, it sure does sound like you are doing the right things though, focusing on getting your daughter off to school now while dad is in a safe place is very wise and probably not as easy as it sounds. You seem to be finding that balance between supporting and caring for your dad, supporting and caring for your daughter and taking care of yourself, I'm impressed. Keep up the good work!
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