Mom keeps holding on... Should we tell her she can let go?

You have received some wonderful answers.  People "hang on to life" for a variety of reasons: they are afraid of what will happen to them once they die/ afraid of what is "on the Other Side" or afraid that they were/are not "good enough" for God or their Higher Power to allow them into heaven, are afraid that their loved ones will not be able to cope with living/life once they are gone, are afraid that they will be forgotten once they are dead, feel that their loved ones still need them (because their loved ones say "See you tomorrow." as they leave), don't want to die when their loved ones are in the room (especially if the family is present 24 hours/day), are waiting for a specific someone to come and see them before they die or because they have been fighters all of their life and they consider "Death" as the "Final Fight".  

You know your Mom the best.  Is she waiting for someone to come visit her?  Is she waiting for someone to graduate from high school or college?  Is she waiting for someone to have their baby?

I think that the meeting with the Hospice nurses and Chaplain is a good idea.  It will allow you to say "Good Bye" to your Mom, to thank her for all that she has done for you over the years (even if those years were not so great or fun or were stressful), and to let her know that you will miss her and will remember her.  Think of this as giving your Mom one last "Greeting Card" that says "I LOVE YOU".

{{{HUGS}}} and Prayers 🙏

It is my personal belief that some people hold on for many reasons and one of them is because they are scared that their love ones will not be able to go on without them. They need to be told that everybody will be find and they did a good job in this life. Another reason as I found out with my dad, is out of fear because they are afraid of what is or is not on the other side. This is were you tell them that they will be ok and that people are waiting for them on the other side. In truth, we all have someone on the other side waiting for us! Yet another reason for holding on they need to say goodbye and this happens even if someone can't speak. It is just them hearing the person's voice.

If it was me, I would tell her that I love her and she did a great job raising me and although I will miss her I will be ok. Plus, their is ______(name) is waiting for you.

Sometimes people need a little push to go.

I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this difficult time. I have a feeling your mom will go once you and your family tell her that you guys will be find and you guys will see her again.


Hugs!!

As a nurse I am VERY AGAINST THIS. Sorry. I know they recommend. My friend, also a nurse, will NEVER forget the look in her brother's eyes when she said "It is OK, Nick, you can go. We will be OK. We'll always love you" and he looked up at her like "WHAT THE HECK! Am I DYING." People will go when their hearts, kidneys and lungs give out. Meanwhile just keep reassuring her that she is, has been a good Mom to you, that you will always love her. That you will have her with you all your life. THAT is a good way of saying you can go. But to say "You can go" when they are perhaps not ready to let go, themselves. NO. I think it is a huge mistake and have seen it go wrong more than once.

I am so sorry that your mom is having such a difficult time.

Is there anyone that she could be waiting to say goodbye too? If not then it is a good idea to tell her that it is okay for her to go if she is ready.

My best friends dad lingered in a similar situation and when her mom told him that she would be okay and he could go when he was ready, he squeezed her hand and passed away. We all believe that he needed to hear she would be okay with him dying.

May The Lord give your family strength and grieving mercies during this time. Hugs, it is so hard losing a loved one.

I’m so sorry. It’s very hard watching a slow decline.

I think meeting with the chaplain is a good idea. I did that when my brother was being treated by hospice.

Can you also speak to a social worker? The social worker was very helpful to my brother and our family.

The hospice nurses had the same discussion with me before my brother died. She also said a person should feel like everyone is at peace with them leaving this world.

Some people want their loved one to stick around past their time. So if you feel like you should ‘give her permission’ to go, then do that. I did with my brother.

Before that, every time I left that evening I would say that I would come back the next day.

The nurse said that I had to stop telling him that I was coming back to see him. So, I told my brother that it was okay to go and that I knew he was ready to leave. I was at peace and I believe he was too.

Many, many hugs in this tough transitional time.

My mom became as helpless as a newborn during her year and a half in the nursing home; she was frail, mostly deaf, blind, incontinent and needed to be fed her pureed meals. I couldn't understand why she kept on going so, following the advice of countless people, I did tell her it was OK to go if she was ready. Well I found out that she wasn't ready, in fact she was terrified and my conversation disturbed her greatly. She was never one of those people who moan that their life is meaningless and wondering why they are still here, so I guess I should have known she would fight to the end. I did tell her they were waiting for her and it was OK to go one more time though, but it was as she lay actively dying, minutes before her last breath.

When my dad passed 25 years ago he was in a VA hospital. He had stopped eating completely. He was unresponsive and was having what they called "air hunger," which was just rhythmic gasping for air (he had emphysema). It was so hard to watch. Somehow I knew he was holding on for us. We stayed by his bedside until the wee hours and the nurse came in and said he was resting more comfortably and we could go home and get some sleep. I was the last one to leave the room. I leaned over him and kissed his forehead and I whispered in his ear, "I love you Daddy. We will be okay and I will take care of Mom." I kissed his forehead again and I took my mom home to get her some sleep. We had barely gotten home and the nurse called and said we needed to come back because she thought he was gone. I know in my heart he was waiting to know I would take care of my mom. I also know he waited until I got Mom out of there so he could slip away.

Right now I wouldn't think of saying something to my mom like that because I think she would feel like I was telling her I was tired of her or something. If my mom was in an unresponsive state, almost comatose, like my dad was and she was suffering, then it would break my heart to say it, but I would let her know I would be okay. I don't think I could say it is okay for her to go, but I would say I will be okay and I have always loved you and you are the best mom ever. I believe they should be actively in the dying transition, not doing poorly and then rallying. How long someone "hangs on" is really up to them. They have such little choice and free will of their own remaining, we need to allow them what we can.

My Dad passed in 2013. He suffered a fall and hit his head we think and with the blood thinner he was taking it was a bad combo. Long story short, there was so much bleeding on his brain that the neurologist was keeping him comfortable with pain meds and he was hanging on but unresponsive. However, I truly believe that although unresponsive one can tell what's going on around them and hear you. He hung on for many, many hours after admission to the hospital. Eventually, he was taking large gasps of air about every 30 to 45 seconds. It was then that I decided to tell him that it was ok to go. I told him that we loved him, he did a great job raising us kids, mom would be taken care of, but if he was ready to go that it was ok. He took one more breath.

Thank all of you for your advice, best wishes, and prayers.
I decided not to have all the Hospice team and my brothers
meet up and approach Mom as a group to tell her she can let
go. I just wasn't sure how she would feel about that. I feel
it may upset her or make her feel overwhelmed or confused.
The more I think about it, I do agree that when God is ready for
her to leave this earth he will take her. I do reassure her that
we are all doing well, etc. I love her so much. We have been so
close and she has not only been a Mother to me but my best
friend and I will deeply miss her. I will never experience a love
like my Mother has shown me.

Three months ago, my husband suddenly got very ill. He had gone to work that Tuesday, and by Friday, he had died. For those two days that he was in ICU, I told him how much I loved him and would miss him, and if he wanted to fight, I would help him any way I could, but if he was ready to go, it was okay...and that we would always love him. The night before he passed, he seemed to be trying to "wake up", moving his arm and opening his eyes. He died the following morning.

My mom, who lives with me, has signs and symptoms of Alzheimers/Dementia but won't get diagnosed. She has other health issues as well, and talks about death a lot. She thinks she has to stay with me so I won't be alone. I keep telling her that I know how to be alone, and if it's time for her to go, that it's okay. Same thing...I tell her I will always love and miss her, but I understand. Every night, when I tuck her into bed, we hug and say "I'll love you forever, wherever we are."