Narcissistic mothers with dementia, is this a common thing? My head is still swirling.

I suspect that people who are caring for their parents who have dementia do a lot of research online about mental disorders, personality disorders, etc and that is when they make the connection to narcissistic personality disorder. I think there are degrees of it and some kids are affected in a major way and others not so much. I think sometimes, the parent is deemed as eccentric or even outstanding by people who don't know the true person.

I don't have to face dementia yet as far as my parents are concerned, but, if I did, I do not think that I would be a good candidate for hands on care, due to my upbringing and certain narcissistic behaviors on my mother's part. It's taken me many years to arrive at that conclusion. I do deal with her depression and anxiety and that is a lot. I'm making plans to stop that too.

She,

Your last post is showing up on my newsfeed but not on this thread so not sure where this will appear.

To clarify a bit. My Mom was never Diagnosed as NPD. I am not qualified to give her that label. But Mom did always have mental health issues. And yes she did have a type of Dementia. In hindsight and things I’ve learned on this sight she probably had a mix of Dementias.

I know Mom appeared to struggle with Depression as long as I can remember, probably some anxiety, some erratic behavior, etc.

In hindsight, again, I could check off several boxes in the different categories of Narcisitic traits.

When Mom was in the Facility for evaluation the Psychiatrist mentioned a Depressive Disorder but said in the time he had with her he suspected other things going on.

When Mom was a resident in the NH one of the visiting Psychiatrist called me and asked me a lot of questions. He was exploring Bipolar. I honestly don’t know if that diagnosis stuck. She did have Dementia after all.

In my other post I suggested your Mom’s care plan should not include you. That’s not what I meant. I meant in your home. Of course you should be her advocate and oversee her care.

Only you can decide how much you can tolerate in your home. But no one should have to tolerate abusive behavior in their own home.

My Mom never lived with me or my sister. Mom refused that or any help. Living with me or my sister would have been a bigger disaster than her living alone for way too long.

During the last couple of months in her home I was there filling her meds, tidying up, doing what I did when I would check on her. I don’t know how I offended her on this occasion. There was no argument. Just a conversation but her demeanor changed and her eyes were like two black lasers. I don’t even know what words she was saying calmly mind you, but it was the look in her eyes. I honestly thought she might kill me. Was this Dementia or her Mental Health issues I was looking at? Maybe a bad combination of both...

I got out of there and immediately called Mom’s geriatric Physician. Told office staff it was an emergency. Dr called me back. We started working on a plan to get her to the ER then to the geriatric psych unit in that hospital.

The Facility your Mom is headed to may get her Mental Health somewhat stabilized but the Dementia WILL get worse. The tweaking of the meds will be an ongoing process and better done by a psychiatrist. In my honest opinion.

I apologize this post is so long. I just felt I needed to spell some things out and explain why you should cut yourself some slack, deal with your own health issues and let professionals deal with your Mom’s daily hands on care. You could could then walk away from nasty behavior and return to the safe haven your home should be. Then go back and check on her when you were up to it.

Does your husband think you should just suck it up and continue to provide a home and care for someone that has hate for you?

Just because she gave birth to you does not obligate you to give up your peace of mind and wellbeing to her.

Statistics show that 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for, I believe it is the ones that are subjected hourly everyday to hate that plays a huge part in their demise. That is just awful to have to live with hate in your home directed at you personally, it wears out your spirit and exhaustion physically, mentally and emotionally are never relieved. Yeah, it can kill.

Tell him it is admirable that he wants to care for your mom, but he promised to forsake all others for you. Time to honor those vows and get this woman called mom out of YOUR home.

Meds can't change the hate she has for you.

She,

Yes my Mom was admitted to a geriatric psych unit to get her mood stabilized. She was there for 10-14 days.

She fell at least 2 times while in the unit. Her PCP and the unit staff worked to get her admitted to a NH for physical rehab. She then became a resident of that NH.

This series of events was not planned but it could not have worked out more perfect.

The NH had a psych service visit their patients. Mom’s meds did have to be tweaked occasionally.

Do yourself a favor. Start working with your Mom’s Primary Care Physician and put together a plan for her care after her 2 week facility stay. A plan that does not involve you, your home, or you as a hands on caregiver.

Edit: The Facility where your Mom is headed for evaluation may have a Social Worker on staff. If so, and they are a good one, The may be a great resource to help you put together a plan.

You don’t divulge why you made the choice to take your mother into your home when she’s always had mental issues and you’ve always had a rancorous relationship with her. Perhaps it was a wish to finally be recognized as a “good daughter”. But almost every sentence in your post contains a negative reference to your lifetime lousy relationship with her. And now, as you age, your own health is declining and this makes caring for her even more difficult. I know I speak for Barb when I ask, “Why?”

I agree that having her tested and evaluated may change her behavior, but probably only marginally. At least you’ll have a 2 week respite. You can’t change a lifetime of being treated like a second-class citizen with a few pills. The way that dementia progresses, she will need to be retested and evaluated frequently.

If you are out of patience out of energy, and in pain, could it be time to meet with your golden children brothers and make an alternative plan for Mom?

I believe my MIL is a narcissist and my husband agrees. She does not (YET) have dementia and lives in an apartment in a retirement facility. She is mostly still independent but, at 92, it won't be long.... My husband is the only child since his brother was killed in a motorcycle accident 5 years ago. My FIL just died in December so my husband is solely responsible for her and did ALL the paperwork after his dad died and moved his mom to a smaller apartment that she could afford. We talk about "what if" her money runs out and she is not yet eligible for Medicaid and a nursing home. We agreed she will NOT move in with us. Not a chance. We are retired but would go back to work to pay for her to live elsewhere or stay where she is. My husband is showing signs of possible dementia. He is slowing down and needs to take care of himself and US. You have RA and must also take care of yourself. How can you take care of your Mom if your own health is suffering? Please take care of YOU and try to find a caring place for your Mom to live. As a side note...I would have taken in my FIL and my own mother in a heartbeat. But my MIL? Not...a...chance. Narcissism will destroy you if you have to live with and care for someone who has it.

3 brothers? Why are you the one who took her in?

If one of your brothers won't take her in, it's time for a facility. You've more than done your time!

Why one would take a parent with a history of mental illness into their home to care for them has always puzzled me. And now with dementia, this is a task that simply is not possible for one person to deal with.

I'm glad that she will be getting an inpatient psych evaluation. Getting her on the proper medication regimen will be helpful. But dear lady, you SHOULD NOT have to deal with this in your home!

Your mother needs to be in memory care or assisted living. With social activities, with lots of staff around and with professionals who can evaluate changes in her behavior.

Make sure that her doctor understands that your health is being impacted and that she will NOT be coming home after this evaluation.