I have a cousin who DMs me via Facebook every day now that my mother has been hospitalized for pneumonia & various other health concerns. No phone calls, just messaging. Mom is approaching end of life, and I'm doing everything in my power, as the only child (at 62) to make her as comfortable as possible & get her proper medical attention. She'll be going off to rehab within the next few days, and we're not sure she'll ever be able to walk again & return to the ALF she loves. It's not easy.
Yesterday, I was feeling frustrated because mom suffers constant vertigo & none of the doctors can give her relief. While expressing this frustration with the doctors to my cousin via DM, she DM'd me to 'have patience, you'll feel such a void after she's gone'. I truly felt like smashing my phone right then & there. WHY do people feel the need to make such remarks, as if we're not stressed out ENOUGH going through the end of life process & trying to make 1,000,000 decisions & keep all the guilt at bay? As if we're doing something to 'speed up' their demise?
I will no longer be DMing my cousin; if she'd like to talk to me, she can pick up the phone & call. Her sister, by the way, does call my mom and tells her all the time how she'd love to come pick her up from 'The Home' and have her come live in N.Y. with her. Meanwhile, she's never even come here for a visit, never mind anything else! If she did, she'd see that it takes 3 shifts of caregivers to care for a woman with dementia, incontinence, severe neuropathy, depression, stroke, A-fib, heart failure and about 10 other medical conditions. But hey, it SOUNDS good to make those off-the-cuff-remarks that aren't real, doesn't it?
To all the friends and family members who have Free Advice for us caregivers who are stressed out to the max, please keep it!
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I cut them off. We have a crazy aunt in the family who I tried having patience with but after enduring years of her off-the-cuff asinine remarks, I now openly ridicule her thoughtless remarks. And I don't care who hears me. A few months ago at a family gathering to which we schlepped my FIL, I rephrased every idiotic unhelpful statement she made and asked her if that was what she was suggesting. I wore her down and she finally just kept quiet about issues regarding my FIL.
1. Thank you kindly for the unsolicited advice. You obviously know so much more about my life than I do.
2. Unsolicited advice is like somebody singing out of tune. Nobody wants to hear it.
3. I don’t base my decisions on advice from people who don’t have to deal with the results.
4. I didn’t realize you were an expert of my life and how I should live it! Continue while I take notes.
5. Don’t judge a situation you’ve never been in.
6. Thanks but I’m an expert of my life.
7. Have more than you show and speak less than you know.
8. I must have Alzheimer’s because I don’t recall asking for your opinion. (My favorite)
9. I’m sorry I offended you by ignoring the unsolicited advice that you shoved down my throat.
10. I’m sorry, I didn’t order a glass of your opinion.
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Ignore them. They have no idea what is going on. Your sister is in LaLa land.
My brother and wife have not lived here for almost 40 yrs. Have not since where our 3 main employers have left the area and with them our tax base. They can't understand why Moms house cannot sell for more. Because, people are not moving here. Plus, there r houses in a lot better condition.
So, come here to vent and don't look for any compassion from cousin and sister.
I think it is a good idea to cut off communication with the family members who are stressing you out! You must put yourself first. If you don't then you will be the one in the hospital! I can't tell you how many times the healthy spouse dies first because they were so busy doing the caregiving that they did not take care of themselves.
Take care of YOU so you can care for your loved one.
Ignore her messages - if she asks about your silence, tell her you've been too busy with your mom for social media.
1. "This is a strange conversation. How do you foresee it ending?"
2. "What do you think I'm going to say next?"
Both are questions that place the ball in the other's court and they work best in conversation, not in DMs or texts and in this day and age, they may be outmoded. Anyway, I hope this helps and your status as front-line caregiver and an only child is respected.
MY faith has been a huge help too. I'm definitely burning out after 8 years of being an only child in charge of everything. I lost Dad in 2015 which was blessedly quick, but Mom is hanging on and the ER visits, falls and hospitalizations are frequent and exhausting. She starts rehab tomorrow to rebuild her strength but I don't know if she has the will to work with the therapists at this point. I'm grateful for this site and all the support and understanding from the caregiver community
Nothing like being a caregiver for a declining loved one to make you more aware of those around you. I M O.