Hello,
I have been reading the forum on this site for a while and find it so helpful, so thank you for all the support.
I live with my mother who is 80 and is in mid-Stage Alzheimer’s (score of 14/30 on MMSE). She is the sweetest mother and I am so blessed to have her. She does show frustration at times (which is the dementia), has gotten lost in the area she has lived in for 50yrs, does no shopping, cleaning, cooking or organizing of her own day. She lays down a lot. I have to force her out of bed in the morning after she has been resting for over 12 hours only to have her lay down again after a quick breakfast. She has developed the OCD habits of dementia (obsessively picking lint out of the carpet, picking at her skin but refusing a bandaid so cuts can heal), incontinence in the morning. Of course she will have been in bed for over 12 hours when it happens so I understand. I get her to wear a Tena pad before going to bed but I hear her tear it off in the middle of the night. She is not cleaning herself properly after bowel movements or in the shower as evidenced from stool on the towels and soap. Plus other symptoms of Alzheimer’s. After she got lost my brother thankfully agreed to look after her during the day while I was working and goes home when I get there. But I am going crazy with stress, worry, fear and frustration and my brother needs to get his career going.
Anyway at her last doctor’s appointment he told her that he is no longer suggesting she go to assisted living but now strongly advising and faxed off the “prescription” order to the assisted living that she liked the most. The order states that she is to take the next available room.
My mother does not want to move because she loves her home and feels perfectly fine. “There is nothing wrong with me” she will state to me. And needs a list of what she has done wrong or done that is dangerous. She tends to forget that her doctor made the order. We (my brother and I) went ahead and convinced her to sign the lease for a beautiful room at the assisted living home that she likes. She of course has forgotten this and when we remind her she does not want to be involved in the planning or anything. We are planning on moving her in May 31st.
I just feel so bad not telling her what is going on. Our plan is for her to go out for her usual coffee with her friend and have the movers come to move her belongings to the residence. After the coffee my brother will go pick her up from the coffee house and take her to the residence for lunch while I move her in.
I am beyond stressed, worried, nervous and feel so guilty.
Is mid-stage Alzheimer’s a good time to move a person to assisted living? Am I being selfish for doing this to my mom?
Any tips on how to ease the move and transition?
Should I tell her what is happening the day of or the night before? Or just let her know once she is at the residence?
I can’t believe this is happening. I feel so bad not involving her but telling her upsets her.
Sorry for the ramble.
I am so lost.
Thank you for your time reading this and for any advice you have.
Thank you.
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Has mom's doc given her any meds for agitation, or at least to ease the transition? If not, please ASK for some.
Thank you again for your help.
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I have experienced exactly what you describe with my mom. I had to move her to a residential care home at age 92. It was a very hard transition because I also had to move her away from my dad who was also aging & unable to handle the physical & emotional needs brought ion by her dementia.
A few things to think about & know
The move will be hard. Your mom won’t be happy & probably mad at you & your brother. She might even say mean things. It’s just her illness talking. Also she will be anxious & maybe afraid. Change is so hard for the elderly, but the dementia compounds it 10 fold.
hopefully the assisted living you’ve chosen (with her) will provide the amount of care she needs now & for the future because her needs will be ever changing. Sounds like she needs lots of help with bathroom needs & grooming. Some assisted living places do that well & some don’t.
If she is unsteady in on her feet at all, make sure she gets assistance with mobility. The last thing you want is for her to fall. At your house someone always had an eye on her. It won’t
be that way most likely.
Most importantly. Give yourself some grace. Truth is you & your brother won’t be able to care for her at home for an extended period of time. It’s exhausting mentally, physically & emotionally. Of course you both love your mom & feeling stressed & guilty are as natural as breathing. It’s a feeling that kinda stays with you even when you no longer care for your loved one at home because she will always be on your mind. But you are absolutely doing the right thing. You will be able to continue being with her without the 24/7 situation.
Just remember...it’s going to get worse before it gets better. Everyone will have to adjust. Also, your mom is going to have good days & bad days no matter where she lives. Hopefully she can connect with one other person that could be a “friend”. If she has friends in the area, maybe they can visit. Know that your mom may not even remember when you visit. I saw my mom almost everyday along with my dad, but most days she didn’t remember our visits.
Get to know the staff at your moms place. Those relationships will be so important for you. Visit at all different times of the day & evening. You can better tell if your mom is getting the care she needs. She should be up & dressed & clean each day & going to the dining room for meals. If she’s in bed extended periods of time or just sitting she’ll develop bed /pressure sores & also get weak. If you can arrange some type of physical therapy, that would be helpful too.
There ares many other things to share but don’t want to sound like I’m preaching. The fact that your mom is sweet (not usual with dementia) is wonderful. The staff & others will love her.
Take me care of yourself. You will need to be healthy & strong going through the stage of parenting your mom. You’ve reversed roles for now.
💕
not visit for a few days while she adjusts. It depends on the person I suppose.
Do they know about the incontinence at the assisted living? Some places will want the residents with this issue to be able to change themselves. Do they offer memory care?
Thank you for your reply. I am trying to be strong and just focusing on the future with my mother being safely at the new residence and healthy and hopefully happy. I don’t know if the residence knows about the morning incontinence as it was my brother who was discussing with the resident care advisor about our mother and her test results from the residence’s tests. I will mention it when I go on Monday to fill out more paperwork.
Thank you for your help. I will inquire with the residence what they have seen works the best for their clients.
My situation with my Mom was similar to yours except my Mom became seriously ill with sepsis after an undiagnosed bladder infection that ran rampant through her system. To make a long story short, she ended up after an extended stay in hospital, another extended stay in rehab to regain her strength and then a month long home healthcare trial that ended badly cause she refused to cooperate, realizing for herself that a nursing home was the answer.
Even so, she would forget that we decided this and would have to be reminded, up until the very day.
All I can say to you is try to be with her throughout. I know some people advise staying away for the first couple of weeks to help the person get settled. I personally think that this is a mistake. Be there with her as much as you can in the beginning. Don't force her to participate in things she doesn't feel comfortable participating in. I tried to do this with my Mom and regret it now. Let her do things at her own pace. Help her to maintain as much of her own routine as she safely can while she is there. Get acquainted with the staff cause it helps for future communications. If they feel like they know you and like you they'll be helpful when you need it.
I know this is tough on you but come back here often. There are so many smart, kind people on this site who have far greater advice than I have.
My heart goes out to you.
I am planning on asking at the residence what they think works best to help a person adjust. And have Evan decided that regardless of what they say, if I see that my mother is upset or not doing too well I will at least spend the night in her recliner to make sure she sees a familiar loving face the next morning or if she gets up in the middle of the night. Thank you again for letting me know that I am not alone (again I know I am not the 1st to go through this but it is nice knowing people are sending out positive thoughts or prayers). Thank you again.
Mom may find others at the assisted living home who she will consider friends and enjoy. It will take time, months.
If there is a regular "helper" assigned to your mom, a small token of your appreciation will even smooth the way of transition further. We brought fruit to the general station where the CNAs worked.
Remember her safety is important and the supervision at the assisted living home will help. Once you and brother see how well she is taken care of, the guilt you feel will ease.
The house will be there if the assisted living doesn't work out after a year or so of trial. Don't be prompted to take mom home after a few weeks or months.
Good luck.