How do I determine the level of care needed for my parents? My dad has many medical issues and my mom has memory issues. I need help.

Andrea, from what you had written about your parents, they could possible still be able to live in Independent Living section of a retirement community. The facility will do an assessment on your parents to see what would be the right choice.

Another thing to think about is will your parents be able to budget for Independent Living or Assisted Living. The cost in my area is between $5k to $7k per month. My Dad sold his house and used the equity to help with the cost.

Your Mom may be in agreement to move to a senior facility as she knows she will get the much needed rest that she deserves. And as Ahmijoy had mentioned in her post, the memory loss could be stress related. Your Dad may be too proud to admit that it is time to move. You can tell him that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring.... that's not fair to him nor to you to lose Mom that way.

Another idea is to bring in a part-time professional caregiver. You could tell Dad that the person is there to help your Mom with things around the house. That way Dad doesn't feel like the caregiver is there to babysit him. Again, the budget. In my area it runs around $30/hour.

Lot to think about. Let us know what happens.

Andrea, sounds so much like my own parents. My Mom didn't want to the neighbors to think they were getting old. HELLO!! they were in their mid-to-late 90's. Living in a house with a lot of stairs is a fall waiting to happen, and sure enough after the fact, Dad would admit that he and Mom had fallen on the stairs a few times.

Eventually Dad needed more help then using a cane, so I bought him a rolling walker. He loved it so much you'd think I had bought him a Mustang :) Yet my Mom didn't want Dad going outside to get the mail with his walker, again with don't want the neighbors to think they were helpless. After Dad fell backwards on the driveway, a neighbor had to help him into the house, after calling 911 and Dad staying overnight in the hospital, Mom gave in with Dad using the walker out in public.

Dad knew it was time to move to senior living, and Independent Living would be a great choice, but Mom refused. She said "maybe in a few years". Guess I would have had to wait until they were 100 years old.

My Mom also refused caregivers and cleaning crews. Sadly a serious head trauma was Mom downfall. After she went into long-term-care, Dad had me call the caregiving agency to help him around the house. After Mom passed he moved to Independent Living, and after that into Assisted Living/Memory Care.

Thus, many of us here had to wait until there was a medical emergency, hospital stay, rehab stay, then into Assisted Living or whatever before we could convince our parents they need to be in a safer environment.

Before my husband became bed bound, he’d fall too. I had to call 9-1-1 three times to get him up. The last time they came out, they brought their captain with them and quite frankly, he wasn’t very nice about it. He told me in no uncertain terms that hubby should be in a facility. He was right, but we can’t self-pay and don’t qualify for Medicaid. Anyway, if your Mom keeps calling 9-1-1, she may run into the same thing if she hasn’t already. Calling on the neighbors is risky too because if someone does t know how to safely pick Dad up, one of them could become injured.

Have a respectful but very honest talk with them. Tell them you’re worried about them and something needs to be done. Mom may be having memory issues due to the stress of taking care of Dad. It’s happening to me. Dad will probably protest that there’s nothing wrong with him, but you need to be firm. Offer to tour independent and Assisted Living places with them. Some are very nice. Reinforce with Dad that he needs to consider Mom’s welfare and safety.

Sounds like they could go into an AL for now. If they have the money.