My 80 year old mom has not participated in life. Often stays in bed 18 hrs out of 24. Doesn't bathe, cancels Dr appointments, hasn't been out to a store in 3 years. She only weighs 97 lbs because she doesn't want to eat. Stays dehydrated because she says she's not thirsty. She has no physical illness. What can I do to help her? She lives with my Father in another state. He's becoming depressed watching her go downhill and withdraw from normal living.
5 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
So sorry...
Some just give up, don’t they? My mom hasn’t participated in life either. Honestly, it gets me depressed watching it. I hate it. She lives with me so I see her live (or some form of existence) daily just going through the motions and it really gets me down.
I have tried a million times to help her have a more positive outlook. I get that life is tough for her, but still...
Sometimes I just walk away and go to my bedroom so I don’t have to deal with it. Listening to ridiculous excuses from her gets to me. I would rather isolate myself.
Sorry, you asked for help and I didn’t offer any because I have the same problem. It really is hard watching them wither away.
My mom tries to cancel doctor appointments. That makes me furious. I tell her that she has to go or I will not listen to anything she has to say.
Best of luck!
ADVERTISEMENT
To tell you the truth there is not a lot of "upside" in aging. There truly is not. To expect someone to be satisfied, content, even happy about being 80, losing more and more and more faculties, being more and more in pain, having lived a long life and being "over it"? Well, sorry. That isn't realistic. She needs someone to listen honestly to her. If she weights 97 and isn't eating then you are honestly looking at last stages, and yes, she almost certainly is exhausted. She is ready to go. You may not be ready to lose her, but thinking an elder can take some anti-depression medication and be ready for a rip roaring old age? Isn't realistic. I heard this, as a nurse, from patients' families all the time. I could only tell them that their elder is tired, and ready to go now. That they cannot understand that noHer w, younger as they are, but that they will.
I am assuming you mother has been to MD and no UTI is involved. But you are correct. She is going to another place now. I doubt that you can stop that process and it is time to discuss honestly with them both what their wishes are, what their expectations are, and how you can help them to fulfill those expectations. Most people do not wish to be tied down and fed tube feedings, experience diarrhea and bed sores and other torments for no reason. Find out what you Mom wants. Be the Lioness at the Gate to see it happens. Fill out POA for health care, advanced directives for them both as well as POLST directions for EMS personnel should one of them die at home.
So sorry for what you go through with this. But remember, you are not 80. You cannot know what you will feel then. I am 77 and I am very well. I have lived a good life, I still love my garden , reading, and etc. But I am ready to go. I have done it. I am happy with it. It's how I feel. And having been a nurse I have ZERO fear of death. I only fear the torture that comes before at times.
The next thing I would do is set up some form of in home care to assess her. This way she can’t cancel the appointment.
It sounds like she has come to terms with her age and is ready to go though. What you may want to do is make sure you don’t leave anything unsaid.
My dad passed away from cancer but he did fight until the end. For the last week of his life though he did give up, stopped eating or drinking anything. This was when he knew he wasn’t going to make it and came to terms with it. I took that time to tell him everything he meant to me and to tell him that he raised me right and that I would be okay. The night I told him this he fell asleep and never woke up and passed away the following morning. It was like me telling him that was enough for him to let go.
I hope this helped.