When does mistreatment, striking back, and rudeness stop hurting?

In my experience and opinion - it never stop. The hurting.

At about year five in my joy ride through caregivers Hell, I thought there wasn’t much left my mom could do or say that would hurt me. I was, at that point pretty frickin’ numb.

But then my mom told me she wished I had never been born.

It was during a conversation where I was explaining- for the tenth time - why she was being moved into a nursing home in a few days. She was being 86’ed from her assisted living apartment, her health was requiring much more medical attention, she was falling - frequently...

In short, I was making the same mistake that I had made over and over again - the one and last lesson about dementia that I just wasn’t getting - I was expecting her to be reasonable.

I knew something big was coming right before she said it. My mom paused for a minute - as if debating whether or not she was gonna go there... but then she got THAT LOOK on her face - a certain set to her jaw and a pursing of her lips. Yeah - I knew THAT LOOk. But, it still took me by surprise - that she would be that mean and hateful.

So, yeah - it hurt. A lot. Your mother is the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. Right?

I have to admit I responded with something quite unkind of my own. I won’t lie - it felt good and I’ve never regretted saying it. It was only the second time in my entire life that I had spoken to my mother like that.

No. It felt good and I don’t regret it. Besides she probably forgot the whole conversation within a few hours.

There isn’t a lot I can advise here - regarding letting their hurtful words and actions pass by you. You just do the best you can.

Support for staying away....

For some reason, your mother has chosen you to be the recipient of xyz. This may just be a part of her illness. It has happened to others. An innocent grandson was constantly accused. A daughter in law was assaulted. There are others experiencing being hit.

Draw a line in the sand, and stay away from her physical presence.
Once you have been hit, do not go back. Keep reminding yourself why.
This should not be negotiable in your mind.

She must have been the one to initiate ths hurtful message from the administrator,
so unnecessary, "return to sender" is drama. Avoid future hurts by stopping the gifts. imo.

Strength to you. In about 3-4 months time, you might feel better, the sting will subside a bit, but again, remind yourself.....protect yourself from further heartbreak.

When you can see your mother's behavior as primarily the disease (dementia and sounds like some kind of long standing emotional problems), and not actions she can choose to take, then the pain will be much much less. It will always hurt some because even when our brain knows better, we still want our parent to act like they love us. I used to hold an imagine in my head of my father as he choose to be before dementia overwhelmed his ability to cope with his personality disorder. I held to a few memories of when he displayed loving behavior, then I would acknowledge that man no longer existed and would go visit the shell that still remained. Mourn the mother you have lost or maybe never had. It's OK to disengage until you can find the right mindset.

Protect yourself. Disengage. Step back. Stop trying. On some level, you knew when you sent the gift that this would happen. You gave her a prime opportunity to strike out at you...again. Inform your sister that this is what you are going to do and why. State that you love your mother, but circumstances have caused you just to not like each other. If at any point, she decides she can be civil, you will re-engage with her, but not at this point. For right now, you will not be giving her the opportunity to abuse you.

So sorry. ((HUG))

Yes, she thinks she is getting back at you. Don't let her know it bothered you. At least she knows you thought of her.

She owes u an apology. I have a friend who owes me one. I was always the one to forgive and apologize even if it wasn't my fault. No more. She called left me a nasty message about not being included in some luncheons that I had no idea what she was talking about. Called her, went to a FULL VM. Texted, never received a response. In the meantime I found out the truth and sure she has been told. Still no response. I refuse to call her. Its always "poor me" with her. Some people are there worst enemies.

Marilyn, if, for the last decade, your " mother" has found fault with every gift you've given, why do you keep giving gifts?

If every time you visit, she puts you down, insults and injures you in some way, why do you visit?

Why do you subject yourself to her?

It's a serious question.

Reading your post, and scanning down through the replies and some of yours, I let my mind wander a little around a few possible reactions...

Well. DON'T go the facility, march into her room, and thwack her round the head with the returned present while shouting "I got this for you out of LOVE you ungrateful old hag - !"

I'm sure you wouldn't, and you are right, and mature reflection is the order of the day.

Humour me a minute: why did you get her a mother's day present?

Marilyn,
Amazon d e l i v e r s .

Marylin - does your mother in fact have dementia? Whether she does or doesn't have dementia, my advice to you is the same: do what you need to do to protect yourself from your mother. If that means not pretending on Mother's Day, not visiting her, and not calling her, just do it. What have you got to lose by staying away? What have you got to gain by staying away??

If you're holding out for a weepy heartfelt apology from your mother, you are bound to be disappointed.

I would ignore her requests for at least a month and see how that feels, Marilyn.

You may understand FOG intellectually. But I dont think you get how healthy you'll feel when you stop subjecting yourself to it.

Your father was an enabler of her not getting treatment for a mental illness. He allowed you to be abused like this.

Something to ponder.