My mother is dependent on me for everything from bathing her to changing her diapers. She left us (her 5 kids) and moved out of state when we were young and just becoming parents ourselves. She has no relationship with her many grandchildren because they just never knew her. When her health started to fail, she tried to commit suicide and that's when I was contacted to come get her because her boyfriend of 20 yrs would not look after her. I always loved my mother, but now after waiting on her hand and foot for the past 3 yrs, I remember now why I didn't like her much. She is a very self centered person, and very demanding. She refuses to get out of bed so I had to find a home service doctor to come to the house each month to treat her diabetes, heart disease etc. I am never able to leave my home anymore except quick trips to the store. She yells at me if her diaper isn't changed right away and complains about the food I cook for her. I just became a grandmother 4 years ago, and I can never go see my grandkids because it disrupts mom's daily routine. It is all just too much to take, I can't seem to find a place for her that Medicaid will pay for, because they are all full. This is all causing me so much resentment towards mom, and I don't want to be that kind of person. I'm scared our relationship will be completely gone if I don't get some help soon with finding a nursing home. I am getting so depressed, I cry all the time at the silliest things.
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Get on as many waiting lists as you can. If she winds up in the hospital, tell the social worker there that you can no longer care for her. They’ll find a place for her. You can also call Adult Protective Services and get her out. You have sacrificed enough for her for no reason other than the fact that you’re a good and kind person who tried to do the right thing. Enlist the help of the visiting doctor service. They often have social workers on staff who can help you.
I never knew or considered that to be an option for placement, but after reading on this forum and some of the horror stories where people desperately look for placement and can't get it, going this route seems to be the best way.
Your private home isn't a hospital, but it seems like it's turning into one. That needs to stop for both your sanity and her care.
Also if you refuse to pick your mother up, the state will take custody. Sometimes we have to take strange actions in order to get to a better place. This is never easy.
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Like me, maybe you needed to re-connect with mom, or maybe you felt you had no choice, or maybe you had to try so you could let go. Ok. You did your best, so now the situation is out of your control. Sounds like she needs professional medical care in many ways. You can let go now, honeybun! You have given her MORE than most daughters would. You can let go.
Get her to a professional care facility by following advice provided by the other responders above.
It sounds like those recommendations may be your best option. If not, contact area aging or other helping agencies. They will help if you let them. They will find options, but you have to reach out and let it go. And then enjoy those grandkids, and your life.
Let someone else step step in and take a turn. You have exhausted all your options and yourself.
Your mom has to make alternative arrangements for her care going forward. Be honest with her.
I also agree with Alvadeer, call in a social worker.
I am one of 3 sisters. Mum, Dad & I care for Sis2 (MI & stroke survivor). Then Mum had big stroke, needs wheelchair & 24 hour care. Medicos said find NH but Dad determined & took her home. He now 24/7 carer PLUS the care organiser for Sis2 (who lives separately).
I phoned, visited, begged Sis3 to come assist. She came to visit Mum for a DAY visit. Then shopping trip before home (2 hours away).
Put the heavy on her to visit for 1 week so I could take a much needed holiday with my Hubby & kids. She stayed with inlaws, popped in for lunches. No hands-on. She said no to that in future as not fair on HER to come sit for me to get a break. Wow.
So I learned the lesson well. Don't wait for a sister to come save me.
Sis2 was placed in respite over this last summer. Mum also in respite while Dad had surgery.
Funny how Sis3 got huge guilts & came to visit them each as "they mustn't like going into respite care". Seriously? No other choices.
I'm telling you all this in case it applies to your situation. You have COPD and for your own health, need to seek a different way to care for Mum (ie visit as a loving daughter - not 24/7 carer).
If your sisters are like mine, they may try to push their guilt onto you. "Mum shouldn't go into care, she won't like it etc". But they have not walked in your shoes or taken Mum home with them. So be it. You cannot change them, only yourself.
Call the social worker. Good luck. ((Hugs))
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