My brother/sister in law want to care for my father. It's only been me, so far. They too are seniors, retired, I still can work, help?

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Alicia54 Asked June 2019

My brother/sister in law want to care for my father. It's only been me, so far. They too are seniors, retired, I still can work, help?

I've currently moved to Michigan from Florida to care for my 92 yr old father, recently diagnosed with dementia. I'm his Durable POA and it's only been me doing all of the work. I don't mind it, he's my dad, I am also the only child (of 3) that has come to visit dad over the years, so I know everything about his Home/affairs. That's probably why dad made me his POA. The issue that bothers me is...while I'm here, dad has agreed to pay me weekly, as I am not working. I took a leave of absence from my job. It's not much, but its enough to pay my bills. I have an attorney drawing up a "caregiver" contract to reflect this. My older brother who is semi retired, suggested that I bring dad to Florida, of which dad doesn't want to go and if I have to stay here with dad, then I will, and he come live with him and his wife. Dad doesn't have to pay, and I can go back to work. I've told my brother that I'm not really interested in going back to work as it was getting ridiculously bad, and was probably going to quit anyway(18 yrs with this company). I understand he's concerned that it's dad's money, a Revocable Trust, that will be paying me, of which he has plenty. and yes, eventually, the money will be reduced over time. It's just that, I put in the work and research and care and getting things organized, and he wants me to bring dad to his house so my sister-in-law can care for him while he works. She just had a hip replacement, and they to are getting up in age...70...I just don't know, I want dad to stay with me, maybe I can work part time, and he can go to senior care, and he can visit my brother/sister in law...any suggestions, or anyone else had this issue?

Maybe we can try them caring for dad, IF he goes to Florida, and I can still manage his finances/affairs. HELP! This is all new to me, not the caregiver part, the dealing with family part....ugh!

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score 0 · Answer 1

What's the other sibling's take on all this, by the way? - any involvement?

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score 1 · Answer 2

It's good that your brother is coming to see for himself. But don't get steamrollered by him, will you?

You are the one who knows. You are the one your father appointed. Welcome your brother's interest and concern, but don't allow him to undermine your confidence. You've been put in charge of this project for good reasons.

Your father has no interest in moving to Florida. He made his wishes very clear. He also appointed you to represent him, and to act for him. I do not mean to suggest in any way that it would be a good idea for you to give up all hope of work and independence and become wholly tied in to providing your father with full-time care. But shipping him out to Florida, where he's already said he doesn't want to go, and leaving him in the care of two people who aren't familiar with his situation, who are in poor health themselves, and one of whom he doesn't get on with is not the ideal Plan B.

Would you be able to resume your normal career in Michigan, and use your father's funds to pay for his care? Are you yourself happy to remain in your father's home area?

You are right to think that good, open-minded discussion is the way forward; and I'm sure you're also right that your brother needs to see for himself what's going on with your father. Please keep in touch - especially if we can help with moral support!

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I know that my dad wishes to stay in his home in Michigan. as much as I do not want to stay here in the winter, I would if I really have to. as for me working in Michigan, its not worth it. he lives in the country and everything is very far away. my job would take me about 30 miles away from him, and if anything happened, I couldn't get to him in time. so if I stay with him in Michigan, he'll pay me as is "caregiver". That's another reason why Florida is an option. Just for the winter, for now. Where I live, and my brother, everything is close by. hospitals, senior care, etc. it is the senior capitol ..lol.. You ask, would I be happy to live in dads home in mi. well, yes/no. But, i'm willing to accept it, if it makes him more comfortable/happy. I'm just playing by ear, for now. Somedays, dad is ok with going to florida for the winter, other days he's not. I just want my brother to understand that this is hard enough, and I really don't need him coming here and telling me/dad what to do, like me bring dad to him/wife and they/she takes care of him and dad doesn't have to pay them. we have a plan in place for now, which is, me and dad go back to florida, I can go back to work part time. and he can visit my brother on occasion, we can have family together for the holidays. and when spring comes, dad and I head back to Michigan. I take another leave from work(if possible)for the summer. its about the money. I get it. but, this is what happens. and i'm trying to find the best solution that best fits dad. and I know that this might not happen either.

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score 2 · Answer 3

Caregiving for him all on your own and full time is a huge undertaking. You did the right thing in setting up the payments, you will need to get paid. On the other hand, the idea of getting some or all of your life back to normal may not be too bad an idea. Maybe let them try it for a few weeks or a month trial run. Don't move all his stuff just let him visit, while you take a break. If it works, then maybe ya'll can share the caregiving job and make things simpler for all of you? If it doesn't work then he just comes back home after his vacation. I seldom turn down offers from family to help me with Pops. A break is usually good for both of us.

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THanks. I thought about it. We are currently still in Michigan, so IF I can get dad to go to Florida for the winter, and hes ok with staying with my brother/sister in law, then maybe I'll go back to work for that short time (aug-march). But I know dad would prefer to stay in MI, which would be me staying too. My brother seems to think he can "make" dad go to Fl. He will be here soon to see for himself. He doesn't believe dads "incapacitated" for one and doesn't understand how a "durable p.o.a." works. And he def does not like the idea of me being paid to live here and care for him. But the way I see it, I'm the one who packed up my life in FL and came to MI, I'm the one who came to visit dad/mom every year, im the one that dad chose, and im the one hes more comfortable with. It's the money thing, for sure. He doesn't want dads money being spent. I want to keep dad in his home as long as I can for the summer. If not, then itll be someone else that dad pays. And if I get dad to Florida, then maybe we'll try it for a bit. So I can have a break if neccessary. But for now, I know dad prefers to be with me. I know my sister in law and him would bump heads, even I bump heads with her..lol...we obviously have alot to discuss.

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score 1 · Answer 4

I would have doubts too if B’s suggestion only came when there is money in it. I’d also suggest some private talks with SIL - there is another thread running about a woman given no rights to object to FIL moving in, and she at least hasn’t just had a hip replacement. It’s a bit confusing whether you are actually in Florida or not, but you say that your father doesn’t want to move. If your father has only just been diagnosed with early stage dementia, is making sensible decisions about the care agreement etc, then I’d ask him. Perhaps take a video on your phone of the conversation. That takes some of the ‘family part’ of the problem off your own shoulders.

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score 3 · Answer 5

I think u have been wise so far. Have that Care contract written up but make sure that it stipulates that this does not effect what you get as an inheritance. That any money left at his passing will be split evenly between his kids. There may come a time when these plans will have to change. Dementia is not easy to care for at certain stages. So be flexable that things may have to change as the disease progresses.

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The lawyer just made a "general" contract. I asked about other stipulations, like if dad stays with him but she said it doesn't matter, being that I'm the poa, I can make that decision and pay him thru the trust. Which is fine. Hes just hell bent on dad paying me while I'm here or in the future(if I leave my job permanently). He asked if I've looked into other resources to use like , state funding(medicaid), insurance policies, medicare..etc...and yes, I've done my research. Dad either doesn't qualify or they dont pay for such care. Dad would have to pay out of pocket either way, so why not ME? I have the ability to live where ever, and stay with him, where ever, and hopefully, he and I will be back in FL for the winter. As for now, dad "does not" want to be in Florida for the winter. He likes his winters, I dont, too cold and Especially since dad lives in the country, away from civialitation. I can do summers here(MI) but prefer not winters. that's when brother suggested/insisted that dad live with him(FL) so he doesn't have to pay , me or anyone and I can go back to work and have a life. I told him that this is my "NEW" life and I'm supposed to be here. And as for the inheritance, my brother/I split the house/property after it sells. And even then, I'm allowed to be compensated for my duties to get everything in order...so what's the difference, I say. Dad made it pretty clear in his trust. I'm thinking my brother really doesn't know or understand because dad only spoke to me every year when I came to visit, about his wishes and affairs. I guess that's why dad put me as poa/executor of the estate. It's always about the money.
For now, we will take one day at time. Dad still understands and I always discuss our plans. And we make the decisions together.

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My brother/sister in law want to care for my father. It's only been me, so far. They too are seniors, retired, I still can work, help?

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