Primary caregiver for my mom who is in a retirement home waiting for a bed in long term care. In the meantime I’m there 3-4 times/week. Looking after setting up interim care, nurses, contact with drs, coordinator, checking out facilities, etc. Mom is also incontinent so there’s lots of laundry back & forth. My sister has never physically helped, nor offered help but did look after keeping family members updated. She asked to visit for 2 nights with her husband & special needs adult daughter, to attend a wedding & squeeze in a visit with mom. She lives 2 hrs away. I’m so tired/burnt out I said not a good time. Suggested waiting till we get mom settled and we can get back to normal. I just don’t have the energy to visit plus the extra work involved with guests. She was very upset with me; doesn’t get it & is now very hostile. She was angry about $$ for hotel. I’m now sorry I offered accommodation in the past for her to visit mom & feel like I’m now being used as a hotel.
She has a lot of health issues herself so I thought for sure she would understand.
im the oldest (76) & she’s the baby (66).
We have nothing in common & when together she constantly talks about her health & meds till I’m blurry eyed & worn out. We’ve been ok with each other till now but just can’t tolerate anyone else in the house right now. She has a nursing background of only 2 years but drives me crazy with wanting every minor detail. I’ve given her all the phone #s of drs, etc if wanting more info. It’s so exhausting & if I communicate via text/email, she misinterprets so now I phone with updates. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope with her & really fed up with her lack of empathy.
Am I being fair?
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I hope she calms down and reconsiders her attitude. Good for you for maintaining sensible boundaries during a high-stress time.
i do hope she gets over it.
its all about her & her needs. I feel so betrayed by a sibling I thought would understand.
Thanks for taking the time to read!
Good.
Are you being fair...? Lol. Darling lady, you are being positively generous and forbearing. You said no, and explained. You did not say "f*** off! Like I need three more people in my house to cater for! Like I need my few leisure hours infested with your incessant self-centred whining! Do you ever engage your brain before you open your mouth?"
If she's sulking, let her. It'll give her a new grievance to tell her other victims about.
Are you invited to the wedding too?
You are being perfectly fair.
You probably would have welcomed her if she was a decent, thoughtful, fun guest. You may have felt differently if she would have helped or supported you more.
You have been through too much lately to put up with her annoying behavior in your own home also.
If she cant afford the hotel she has another option— come for a day (or shorter) trip! This is her problem (not yours)!
She’s selfish. No way around it. Don’t bother expecting her to care, and you’ll feel all those conflicting feelings float off of you. You do what you need to do. She won’t help you, so she doesn’t deserve your help. At some point, we have to realize people are always revealing to us who they really are. Takers will keep taking, but it doesn’t need to be you that gets took.