Getting mother to let home aides in. Any advice?

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Glendatgw Asked June 2019

Getting mother to let home aides in. Any advice?

I recently went back to work full time. I had talked to mom (whom I live with) and she didn't want any one to come, even just for a couple of hours. I set up cameras so I can keep an eye on her during the day. This morning after I woke her up and she ate her cereal, she wanted to go back to bed. I let her, but when she woke up, she said she didn't know where she was or even who she was. The secretary from the public housing office called me today to tell me a few things Mom had done in the last week. Nothing unsafe, just things that made the secretary worry about her. I was very grateful and she said next time she noticed something she would text me at the time. Eventually, probably sooner that either of us wants, she is going to have to home someone around, at least for a few hours. My question is would it be bad to lie to here and tell her that they are coming in to help keep the house clean since I went back to full time work? Would that backfire on me if they tried to help her? My brother isn't speaking to us, but since he lives over 1,000 miles away, he wouldn't be able to help anyway. Which brings me to my other question. I feel like he should know that she is having these kinds of trouble in case he wants to repair that relationship before she's not around to do it. He won't answer any call from us, so I was thinking maybe our pastor could call and let him know. Should I do this or just leave it alone? He's a doctor, BTW. This all hit hard today and I guess maybe I needed to vent.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions Home Care

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score 0 · Answer 1

Thanks for your input.

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score 2 · Answer 2

You could try writing a snail mail letter to your brother. They don’t disappear the way that emails do in a busy work day, you write them more carefully, and your brother would think about it rather than making a snap reply. Even if you get no reply, you have done what you feel you need to do – given him another chance.

What makes you think that your mother would object to someone in the house? Perhaps you can negotiate a mid-way contract with a carer, so they do some housework ‘for you’, make lunch to have with mother, and are there to help if she wants it.

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Thanks for the ideas. The snail mail is a wonderful idea, but I'm afraid his wife would get it and not give it to him. When I was going back to work, I wanted to get someone to come at least sit with her and make sure she ate lunch. She kept saying she didn't need anyone so I tried the cameras. I'll give the idea of a caregiver more thought. If I can make it about ME, then she might be more willing to at least tolerate it. I think she would enjoy the company after she got over her initial hesitancy. Thanks!

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score 1 · Answer 3

Has Mom been checked for a urinary tract infection? These can often cause the type of confusion you’re seeing in her. If these episodes become more frequent, I’m afraid you will need to reassess her needs. Having a camera on her is a good idea, but even if you watch it as often as you can, you can’t reach through it and stop her from falling or doing something unsafe. You also can’t count on the secretary to supervise your mother. She has her own job to do.

For right now, I wouldn’t try to make amends with your brother or otherwise reconcile that situation. You have bigger fish to fry—keeping Mom safe. I’m afraid as she progresses, she is going to need more and more supervision. If she is not agreeable to a full-time aide you may need to find other living arrangements for her.

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he went to the doctor and I asked them to check her for a UTI. Apparently, that is not the problem, but thank you for the suggestion. I don't expect the secretary to keep an eye on mom. I told her that when we were talking. It's just if she wouldn't mind texting me, then I get more of an idea what is going on. She brought it up and asked if that would be ok. She is going to need more supervision and I know that at least an aide will be necessary. She hasn't fallen in the house (knock wood) so while that is possible, she doesn't have the history of that. I think I just needed to vent a little because I was feeling overwhelmed and had no one else to talk to. Thank you so much for your suggestions and taking the time to answer.

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Getting mother to let home aides in. Any advice?

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