Hazel86 Asked June 2019

What can you do if you and family have cared after all of grandma's needs and she disinherits leaving everything to friends/ neighbors?

My grandma has insisted on staying in her house alone after grandpa died 7 years ago. He did whatever she said whenever she said...so she expects same from daughter and us 2 grandkids. We are the only family she has left. Everything was manageable for first 3 years or so. We would bring her groceries, bring her to bingo, etc. Though manageable, very difficult because of constant tantrums that nothing we ever did (according to her) was right. By the 4th year, not so manageable. She started having falls around the house. We offered her to come live with us. No way she said! Giant blowout tantrum with screaming and tears. Well she had a bad fall after that. Broke her femur. Couldn't be released home unless she had 24 hr care. I agreed to move in. She couldn't fix her own meals, couldn't change clothes, couldn't wipe herself after using the bathroom and couldn't bathe herself. Its now been 3 years, she still can't do any of those things but after more tantrums, I talked her into wiping herself (thank god). Well, I do not actually live in the house anymore but I and my mom and sister all visit 3 times a day. Every. Single. Day. We bring all meals and change/wash her, and empty her commode since she says she cannot make it to upstairs bathroom. So quite often she has threatened to leave our family out of her will. Any little thing sets her off to say that. You bring her lunch at 12:00 instead of 11:00, thats it! She says thru clenched teeth, "you're out of the will! I don't need you!" Well she has been threatening this for years. The day I moved in with her a nosy neighbor, who I already know does not like me or my family because of the way grandma portrayed us, she came up smirking and said "hey maybe she will be nice and leave you her house. Maybe." This neighbor lady and her husband by the way, have keys to her house. They were given by my grandpa but still....when grandma was in rehab for fall, my mom and I went to clean the house and smirky neighbor lady just casually let herself in with keys! I'm just wondering, after we are here taking care of her every need, can someone who doesn't even visit her just take the house my grandpa worked 2 jobs most of his life to afford???

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Well, I would tell grandma that from now on there will be a caregiver contract and she will pay for services.

She can can either pay you and your family or she can go hire an agency.

Stop letting her her abuse you for free...at least get paid.

Helpful Answer (23)

I agree with Katie; just tell her that you need to be paid the going rate ($25 per hour).

If she doesn't agree then give her the phone number of local home care agencies.

This is NOT okay for her to behave this way.

Helpful Answer (23)

Awesome advice!!!! Just because she is elderly doesnt give her the right to abuse you or your mom Hazel86!!

(4)

Why do you allow yourselves to be abused this way?

Helpful Answer (21)

I am a caregiver. First, grandma is overloaded with anger, at life, herself, husband for dying, anger at everyone. Has anyone talked with her , honest upfront, about what she wants, needs? Does she have Alzheimer's/dementia? Anger is a very real effect of these. She is obviously a "danger" to herself, and truthfully, the family would be better off by bringing in a professional caregiver that knows how to deal with these issues. Sounds like family reacts with anger when she has a "fit." How do you know for sure there's a legal will or not? Why don't y'all find it, deal with whatever's in it. She obviously don't drive, so if she even wanted to make a new will, y'all would have to take her to get it done. The word NO works well, to getting her somewhere to have that done. Bottom line, sit down, have an honest, without anger, conversation. Just maybe y'all will learn where this hostility is coming from. After all, the worst thing is she'll yell, and tell you you're out of the will. Good luck. It's never good when a loved one dies, and all that's left behind are angry words and heart aches. Be gentle, be kind, but let go of the anger, and the greed over what's hers till she's gone.

Helpful Answer (19)

If your grandmother's abusive behavior isn’t because of dementia (since you didn’t say we don’t know), then she can change her will. However I don’t see that happening as she’s immobile and you would have to drive her to an attorney. I think you need to let that worry go as you have no control over it right now. Your biggest concern really should be the fact that you are being used and she is not grateful. And frankly visiting 3x a day is a bit much! It sounds like her daughter, your mom needs a backbone and boundaries. We teach people how to treat us and she’s been taught by you all she can get away with being demanding and mean. You don’t have to put up with it. So a clear plan is needed on hiring help or getting paid. And getting POA is needed if it hasn’t been done.

Helpful Answer (17)

I would change locks immediately as they seem to have ulterior motive...another idea is take her to hospital & say you are unable to care for her anymore....& she will need 24 hr care...& she will have to go to SNF. This neighbor will steal her blind ...& be living in Grandma’s house...I have bad vibes about them...Hugs 🤗

Helpful Answer (17)

Legal elder law attorney time. Your grandma would be prey to those trying to get her to leave them money. No one but you as family should have keys if your grandmother is not of sound mind. It is a very easy matter these days to change locks, don't even need to remove them at all. If she IS of sound mind, walk away would be my advice. Walk completely away. So basically you are left with this. No matter what you do for her, if she is of sound mind she is free to change her will any time she likes. If she is not of sound mind it is time to see a legal elder attorney and doctor and begin to take guardianship of her. Then you address the locks. This should be done quietly. If the neighbor is a problem any forwarning of all this could mean whatever is in the house is in danger of getting lifted. I know the neighbor may be a good person trying to help your grandmother. But the neighbor may NOT be. And it is quite impossible to know at present with your grandmother acting in this unstable manner. She is showing all the signs of dementia. Her doctor may not be able to share with you, but a call to him or her suggesting you are worried by changes you see, and wondering if you should seek advice of elder law attorney may be in order. They often find a way of saying things without saying things in these cases.

Helpful Answer (16)

Change the locks.

Helpful Answer (15)

Call her bluff and walk away for a bit. Let her know you will NOT be abused and if she cannot be nice or decent, then she will be alone. And make it stick. Will be damned. My dad is in LTC and he would not stop his nasty comments about people’s weight, which he’s done all my life. I told him....ONE more time and that’s the last you see me. He was nasty to us, but so kind and loving to the staff, so he knew darn well what he was doing. He stopped it immediately. Every time he starts to be ugly about anything, I get up and say it’s time for me to go. Will be damned. You deserve better treatment.

Helpful Answer (15)

Since we’re all an armchair’s length from you, I’ll pitch in something else - this neighbor may be kinder or less smirky than you think, please watch out for fostering angst where it may not exist due to the war-like platform grandma creates around her. Ask your mom about perhaps looking for a time to get alone with this gal and ask her for her thoughts and observations about the situation, “You aren’t family, but we know you’re a caring neighbor,” etc.

Helpful Answer (14)

Very good point, this neighbors smirky comment "hey maybe she will be nice and leave you her house. Maybe." might have been more of an all knowing comment about the way your GM threatens with "the house" or an attempt to commiserate with you figuring you had shared the same experience, you know a wink, wink, I know what your going through.

(7)

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What can you do if you and family have cared after all of grandma's needs and she disinherits leaving everything to friends/ neighbors?

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