What has been your experience? Losing your mom v. Losing your dad.

Even though I didn’t always have a good relationship with my mother I feel her death has been harder. Unfortunately I’ve still haven’t had time to grieve her loss. I believe my father has Behavioral Variant FTD and have a appointment in July to start the process to get a diagnosis. I will be relieved , happy and hopeful for a different life once he passes. He hasn’t ever been a easy person to be around.

Losing my mother was difficult. She died of cancer, at home with just me, and I was glad for both of us when the end came. The next step of dealing with her possessions and my interstate sisters was amicable but hard work. Then afterwards the longer term issues came – remembering the very difficult journey at the end, going over longer term memories and regretting all the things I wish I could ask her, and just missing her from my life. She was a very strong woman to whom my sisters and I owed a lot, not the least of which was removing us from my awful father. When he died, the remaining family more or less cheered. My first husband Martyn was my cousin, and my dear MIL/ aunt was my link to the family memories until she died just short of 100. Then Martyn died last year, and I am really alone – now no-one knows the family stuff except me.

My dear second husband Tony desperately missed his father, who was a great bloke. His mother survived another 17 years, and the end was sad but mostly back to the ‘hard work’ of dealing with the details. Tony was never so bound up in family dynamics (lucky him), and his siblings are still around, so for him it’s mostly still missing his Dad for over 10 years.

It's different for everyone, I think.

I never knew my Dad cause he died when I was four. But I believe his death shaped the person I became. I've been told I was very attached to him and even though I can't remember this I do think that I've had abandonment issues all my life.

Then I transferred my attachment to my Mom. She and I were very close although I think I had maybe an unhealthy attachment to her. When she died I took it very hard. I'm still taking it hard.

Subjective, for sure. I can only offer this: Regardless of gender, the death of your last living parent creates a tectonic shift.

You face chores and obligations that are specific to “no-parent” status. The age hierarchy in your family resets. The word “alone” carries more weight.

The death of your last parent is extra final, for lack of a better description.

I am not interested in what is worse. Just opening up a box to talk. I imagine sons losing their dad is just as complicated. Sometimes people just want to talk. Get things off their chest. Rage. Primal scream. Whatev. Mine was my,mom's.