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ChristinaE97 Asked June 2019

Living in my grandmas home who has dementia. Any advice?

This might be an odd question but something we struggle with and it brings up a lot of fear. Basically last July my grandma was very assertive in the most rude way possible. I think she felt like she needed to assert dominance but she accused my mom of throwing away her things (untrue) and said nasty things to my mom. Eventually my mom found a way to reassure her and calm her and when fourth of July came around my mom asked her if it was ok with her if we had a small 4 of July get together. It is her house but we live with her & we do everything for her. It’s a holiday we enjoy and we deserve some relaxing fun. Anyway the day comes around and she’s so upset and completely forgets she allowed it. We were quiet and just had a bbq but she hurled insults and it kind of left a bitter taste in our mouths. This year around this time she isn’t as bad off. She’s more compliant but I know still untrusting & we keep trying to tell ourselves that it’s the dementia and we’re doing everything right. But we haven’t told her that we’ll have a small amount of people over just to bbq. If the topic comes up and she gets defensive, how can we address it & handle it. We feel we’ve got the right to live our lives and have fun once in a while? Has anyone ever had a similar situation like this? Any advice? :(

Ahmijoy Jun 2019
Well, yes, you do deserve to have some fun. But, because of Grandma’s disease, there is a good chance she will not remember giving her permission for you to have a Fourth of July bbq. And because of that, planning these get-togethers is kind of like playing Russian Roulette. I can imagine that the people you invite would feel uncomfortable sitting there while Grandma is verbally abusing everyone. People with dementia don’t like change, even if it’s a “small group” of people in their home. Especially if these people are ones Grandma doesn’t know. Parties can get loud and she may not like that, either.

If you do decide to have your party, go into it understanding that Grandma may cause an uncomfortable scene. And yes, it is the dementia. Maybe assign one family member to keep an eye on her and if they see her starting to meltdown, have them take her to her room and sit with her a while until she calms down.
ChristinaE97 Jun 2019
usually we’re in the backyard and she stays sitting in the front of the house watching tv or she’s asleep in her room so we’re away from her and someone checks on her constantly. so the people aren’t around her. we try to keep it separate. but thank you. it’s hard to remind yourself or know what the dementia is doing and what is her.

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