Hey everyone, first time posting here. I didn't really know where else to turn. I am a 27/f acting as full time sole caregiver for my grandmother for the past several years. Her daughter (my mother) is her next of kin/ would be medical POA if needed.
Caring for my grandmother up until this point has been relatively easy. She is very ambulatory, and outside of some breathing issues, is very physically healthy for her age. She does have anxiety/ panic attacks, and more recently diagnosed with onset of dementia.
However the other night she fell, completely breaking the top of her radial bone off. My world has been completely flipped upside down, and I feel overwhelmed. I have asked my mother to step in, with no response from her, I talked to the local area on aging to maybe get an stna to visit for a couple hours a week so that I can do shopping ect, but they said with the dementia diagnosis we would need to set up a POA or my mother would need to contact them, as I'm not her next of kin, unless the situation became dire enough for adult protective services to step in.
I already handle the day to day house hold chores ( dishes, laundry, cleaning, meal prep, ect) but the broken arm has her anxiety running rampent. I'm exhausted, and scared. I feel completely alone with my hands tied behind my back with no family or outside support unless I royally screw up.
I can't leave her here alone, but I don't think my sanity can handle being stuck in this house 24/7 with only rushed, panicked trips to the store, scared of what might happen while I'm gone. I feel so lost and alone, and don't know where else to turn. If anyone has any advice please let me know. I could use all the help I can get.
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And I'm glad, as well as very impressed, that you can retrieve something from what's happened around you, and see it - as you say - as a sign that you're here for a reason.
But you are not here to be the family servant, and you are not here to be a mug. If you are willing to support your grandmother, happy to do it even, then good for you and I'm happy for you. But you STILL need the tools to do the job, and your mother needs to get her - self over there and help you sort out a plan that works. Money, powers of attorney, health care directives, caregiver support and all. Sounds to me like she hasn't "got round to it" because she's been able to let you muddle along somehow. Well, she'd better get round to it now. Make this weekend a formal warning for her.
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Ugh.
Mom needs to step and give you POA and if she isn't going to step up with actual physical care she needs to give YOU full power over Granny's care. And $20? How very, very generous of her!
BTW--sometimes you have to be a bit pushy about pain meds. Personally, Tylenol alone for me is as useless as possible. Ibuprofen is now a no-no as I am getting some liver 'issues' on it. For the love of heaven, this woman broke the tip of her bone off ---and they hand you TYLENOL???????????? She is not going to get addicted to opiates at her age and if she DOES, so what??
Being in untenable pain is so bad for you----mentally, physically, spiritually---I have to take an opiate every day. And I have to be accountable to my doc for every single one I swallow.
AS granny heals, she will not want to move as it will hurt. Pre-dosing with something that cuts the pain will allow her to do PT and get back to where she was--hopefully. Trust me, I've rehabbed my DH from so many things, and w/o a strong pain pill on board, he wouldn't MOVE.
If you went through the ER, no they almost never prescribe more than maybe 1 Norco in the ER and send you home. You need to do your follow up work with Granny's PCP or dr that she trusts and knows, and who knows her. If the ortho doc gives you grief about the pain meds, then I think you need to find one that won't withhold pain management.
Others have given you sites to research and places to call--I'm just feeling angry about the lousy tx your mother shows. But you're used to it, so it kind of just slides over you. I'm so sorry. My mom is a lot like yours--all for show.
I hope you can get some pain relief for grandma and some help for yourself. You will wind up doing nothing but caring for your elderly relatives for the rest of your life--and you need some "me time".
{{Hugs}}
Sadly Im not really familiar with "me time" as I have been the family caregiver since I was a kid. I took care of my mother through 5 kidney surgeries and a nephrostomy tube coming out of her back when I was 11, my oldest sister with lung cancer at 17, my other sister with Parry–Romberg syndrome when I was 22, and now my grandma. I think there is still some residual resentment from never being able to find my own way or have much of a social/romantic life, but the way I see it Im here for a reason and can be content with that.
Had my arm also in a sling which did help, but after the fact the arm muscle had frozen to a point where I couldn't move my arm at all. i was like a 3 year old trying to use my other hand to eat, write, brush my teeth, comb my hair, or even getting dressed. Forget about putting on makeup :P
The orthopedic surgeon told me it was ok to up the dosage of the over the counter meds and he explained how I could that... one has to be careful. It did help, but sleeping was a bear on my arm, ice packs did help to dull the pain.
After the bone healed [those x-rays were a huge pain, too] I had to deal with 3 months of physical therapy to stretch out my frozen muscles. It was a slow process but I was able to regain full use of my arm. I hope this also works well for your Grandmother when she reaches that stage.
On another note, I never felt it was fair for a grandchild to give up their life to care for a grandparent. This is a time in your life where you should be setting up a career, finding the love of your life, and settling down. Your grandmother is only 75 years old. Thus, she has many more years. Then what is next? It will be time to take care of your own Mom.
Sadly I have always been the "family cargiver" even when I was a kid. My mother had 5 surgieries on her kidney when I was 11, and had a nephrostomy coming out of her back. I was the one that cleaned the exit site, changed the gauze, and padding, and rinsed out the bag for her. When i was 17 my oldest sister was diagnosed with lung cancer and I cared for her 22 hrs a day for about 5 weeks until she passed ( she didn't get diagnosed until it was too late) and at 22 my other sister was diagnosed with Parry–Romberg syndrome and I helped care for her for about a year until her suicide.
I guess its one of those...you can't miss what you never had situations. Outside of work Ive never really had close friends and have learned to be self sufficient and to not get close to others. I think there is still some residual resentment that Ive never been able to find my own path or have much of a social/ romantic life, but the way I see it, Im here for a reason and can be content with that.
Did the ER give you any advice on supporting the limb, or anything else you can do to keep it more comfortable?
Sorry - you caught your mother after you'd been to church, or she had?
Right now she is finally sleeping for a bit, which has been a rarity the past few days, so hopefully that means something is helping.
She is probably in a lot of pain from the break and it might be making her dementia skyrocket. Can you call her doctor now about that? If grandma gets out of control prior to the next doctors appointment call 911 again.
Here are some websites that I found that might help you get some financial assistance for being a "Family Caregiver". Unfortunately, you might have to have your Mom apply for these programs on behalf of your grandmother if she is POA for grandmother.
https://aging.ohio.gov/caregiversupport
Ohio Department of Aging
https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/longtermcare/resources/locator_tool.html
https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/longtermcare/resources/oh-elderly-services-program.html
The Elderly Services Program is administered by Ohio’s Council on Aging (COA), the Area Agency on Aging for Southwestern Ohio, and is funded through county tax property levies.
The Elderly Services Program is only available in the following four Ohio Counties: Butler, Clinton, Hamilton, and Warren.
MyCare Ohio Plan (MCOP)
https://www.caregiver.org/mycare-ohio-plan-mcop
The MyCare Ohio Plan is a Medicaid program that assists elderly persons to remain living at home or within the community. This program allows certain family members, excluding spouses or legal guardians, to be hired and paid as the personal care provider. Other services may include:
Respite / Adult day care / Homemaker services / Personal care / Home delivered meals / Home modifications / Transportation
http://www.coaaa.org/cms/services/need-help-staying-at-home/my-care
The MyCare Ohio Plan is a Medicaid program that assists elderly persons to remain living at home or within the community. This program allows certain family members, excluding spouses or legal guardians, to be hired and paid as the personal care provider. Other services may include:
Respite / Adult day care / Homemaker services / Personal care / Home delivered meals / Home modifications /Transportation
Phone: Ohio Medicaid Consumer Hotline: 800-324-8680
https://www.medicaid.ohio.gov/Portals/0/For%20Ohioans/Programs/MyCareOhio/CommunityWell.pdf
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/info-2017/you-can-get-paid-as-a-family-caregiver.html?INTCMP=RDRCT-IC-CAREGIVING
I hope that your grandmother's appointment with the orthopedic doctor goes well. Wrist fractures can be so painful and hard to heal because the bone is in a joint that not only bends, but also, twists and turns.
You mention that "when my mother moved out, my health very rapidly declined trying to juggle everything". Even though you are a caregiver, you need to take care of yourself as well. Ask the Area Agency on Aging for suggestions for Respite care for your Grandmother so that you can focus on your health for awhile. If you get sick, who is going to take care of your Grandmother? (Definitely NOT your Mother.)
Luckily I was able to talk to my mother this morning as she was coming out of church, and after much complaining she agreed to have someone come stay with my grandma twice a week. I also found out that she is in fact the POA, so that will have to be figured out, but for now Im happy to finally be getting some much needed help.
'Her daughter (my mother) is her next of kin/ would be medical POA if needed.'
with this:
'In regards to my mother, I called her the night she fell and got an "okay...." And when i told her I was scared and in over my head with this, all she said was "if you need money for any prescriptions they give her, i have $20 dollars I can send you."'
I guess we've established that your mother is the proverbial chocolate teapot.
I remember from when my mother broke her wrist that she didn't show as much actual pain as you'd expect (at the time my head was swimming so badly - I'm not good with bone ends sticking out of flesh - that perhaps I just wasn't fully attentive to detail); but pain is definitely the key issue now that the fracture has been temporarily stabilised. Even when there's nothing to see, it can be severe; and distinguishing between pain, anxiety and fear in this situation is not straightforward.
It's different for you because they've just sent your grandmother straight home. My mother needed surgery and was kept in - woohoo! - for 24 hours afterwards, so at least I had that bit of thinking space. I think if I were you I'd call the ER and ask if they can advise you on how to handle things until Tuesday. They can review what pain relief, if any, was px'd for grandmother and just check that what can be done is being done.
That's for now. Then there's - how can I put it? - the situational overhaul to look at.
Your mother is taking the piss. I'm not sure if the full sense of that translates into US English, but I can't think of a more accurate description. She is perfectly content with the situation because she doesn't allow it to impinge significantly on her life, but at the same time she obstructs you from doing the job that she, your mother, left on your hands. I feel very angry with her on your behalf. I sort of suspect that you are too used to it to feel any anger?
You're going to have catch mother at a "good time" and nail her down on what formal steps have already been taken. Is there a POA or a health care proxy in existence? Yes/no? It's not a trick question, she should at least be able to tell you that much.
You are correct to think that if the dementia has advanced far enough your grandmother won't be able to create a new POA, but cross that bridge when you come to it.
Her mother's broken her wrist, her daughter's trying to cope single-handed, and she can offer you $20 for meds. [mutters: woman needs such a slap.]
Unfortunately in regards to pain, my state has some of the highest opiant deaths in the US (from what the er doctor told us) and outside of what they gave her at the hospital, said that otc Tylenol or Advil would have to suffice until with see the orthopedic. I understand that she has to be in alot of pain, and especially at 75 with her first broken bone, wouldn't blame her for screaming bloody murder.
I was able to call my mother this morning (caught her after church) and a) there is a POA and it is her, when it was originally set up I wasn't 18 and wasn't able to be listed, and b) has finally (after much moaning and groaning) agreed to have someone come stay with her a couple times a week starting Wednesday (Yay!!!)
The POA situation I will have to do some more research into, but for now it is a very big load off of my mind that I will have some help.
Your mother doesn't sound like a mature human being; she kind of dumped you on grandma and now she's dumped grandma on you? Your mother should NOT be POA, no way, no how does she get any "say so" in this situation. The one thing I would ask mom to do is to call the Area Agency on Aging and ask for a "needs assessment" since the AAA seems to think they need the next of kin to do that.
What are grandma's financial resources like? Does she have a pension, social security, mutual funds? Who manages her money?
Are you in touch with gma's regular doctor? Can you call her/him today and explain what happened? It sounds as though gma needs some meds right now to ease her anxiety.
My grandma is on social security, and I pay all of her monthly bills and do her shopping. Up until about 2 years ago I was working as well as caregiving, but when my mother moved out my health very rapidly declined trying to juggle everything. Luckily I had some savings to get me through for a while, and when we started having problems I (unintentionally) strong armed my mother into some financial help because of Ohio's fealty laws and she began helping with my phone and car insurance (the only two bills I really have)
I am in regular contact with her doctor, and called her friday from the hospital, but she wants to wait until after the apointment with the orthopedic surgeon tuesday and get his input before seeing her. She is currently on a couple meds for her anxiety, and up until the fall it was pretty well controlled outside of a hiccup here and there. Hoping they can maybe up her dose a little or something to help her through this rough patch.
Find an elder law attorney, paid by grandma, to set everything up for her.
With my grandma's dementia diagnosis and mental decline, would a new POA agreement be legally binding? Ive heard of people fighting things that were signed when the person wasn't mentally competent.
My mother has never been hands on, and despite living with us, it was my grandma that raised me more than she ever thought about. She has always been very self centered and social and didn't want bogged down with a kid, or now, her mother.
I'm curious how you came to be the one caring for your grandma? Is there a formal caregiving arrangement, with payment and regular respite?
Does your mother, in fact, have POA for grandma?
I started caring for my grandmother when I was about 11, and the amount of care has only increased over time. I was working and taking care of her until about 2 years ago when my mother moved out. There is no formal agreement or "pay". About 6 months ago I told my mother that if I was going to be the one taking care of her mother, the least she could do is help out bill wise, and the only help or "pay" is her helping with my phone and car insurance payments. Up until the fall she was able to be left alone for several hours as long as I had meals prepped, made sure she had anything she needed and such, So i was able to go out one day a week or so with friends to dinner or something, as well as when i did the weekly shopping. There is however a paper filed with Jfs from her doctor naming me as her caregiver where my grandmother has QMB (its basically medicaid for if you make a little too much for medicaid)
I am not sure if there is a POA set up. I know she filled out some paperwork when i was about 17 (do not recesitate order, living will) but with her memory failing and my mothers lack of communication, i dont know if there was a poa set up then as well.
When exactly did your grandmother have this fall and fracture, and what has been done about it?
Is this her dominant hand that's affected? How much is the fracture restricting her normal life?
Where is your mother, and is it unusual for her not to respond when you call her? Or, did she respond - with "sorry can't help you"?
Just a by-the-way - "early onset" dementia strictly speaking means dementia that begins at an unusually early age, with people in their thirties or forties. What your grandmother has is the early stages of dementia. This only matters because sometimes if you say "early onset" people will jump to the conclusion that your grandmother is much younger than she actually is.
Anyway - step one is to take deep breaths. There will be a way to get help to you, we just have to figure out the wriggles! Hugs again.
In regards to my mother, I called her the night she fell and got an "okay...." And when i told her I was scared and in over my head with this, all she said was "if you need money for any prescriptions they give her, i have $20 dollars I can send you." And "talk to the doctors and ask if they can give her something to zonk her out to make her easier to manage" My mother has never been hands on even when she lived here (or even when I was younger, my grandma is the one who raised me more so than her) so this isn't out of the norm for her.
Sorry about the mix up in terms, still feeling my way through all of this and figuring things out. Will definately remember in the future!