Working full time and care giving too. Any advice?

For some reason, all the time you are taking off for taking your husband to the doctor is bothering your boss and possibly your co-workers. We had a guy who needed a lot of time during the day to take his wife to the doctor for chemo treatments and while we understood, and while he did a lot of evening work - we still had the brunt of HIS work and OURS during the day. It did impact us.

Whether  you want to believe it or not - it is possible that your absences are causing resentment. "Additional dr visits each week" I assume these visits are during work hours and that there are several a week. That is alot of time during the work day you are gone. Time to get alternatives for dr appointments for your husband. I know this stinks but it is only going to get worse as your husband needs more dr visits. And I can't believe that you can run hubby to the dr and then home in anything less than two - three hours at a time. This adds up.

I hope you are able to find something that works for you.

Sawdust, some of the doctors in my area exchange emails with patients and their caretakers. If you could email the doctor before and after your husband's appointments you might be able to cover your information exchange concerns. My mother's doctor will even write basic scripts based on our emails (of course she has been Mom's doctor for 30+ years and sometimes sends her nurse by to check on Mom too). If the info exchange could be covered by email or phone calls with the doctor's nurse, could you use some other transportation service to actually take him to the appointment? An elder in our church uses the local $1/ride senior transit to go to appointments (since the waiting is in her own home) and then calls her daughter who sends a Lyft ride share to pick her mother up from the office and take her home as soon as the appointment is over.

I would encourage you to download the FMLA forms and get them signed by your husband's doctor and have that signed form in hand when you meet with HR to discuss implementing FMLA. I do not think you are required to expended all your vacation time before FMLA under the FMLA guidelines. If memory serves, you are protected as soon as you turn in the completed and signed form although I recommend taking a couple of hours to an afternoon under FMLA soonest just to be absolutely sure.

Thank you, everyone. I feel so much better just getting this out and knowing that there are people who understand. You've all brought up some good points and given me much to think about.
I'm salaried, not hourly and the company is in financial trouble. So it's possible that they would like to replace me with someone whose salary is less. I've seen that happen several times recently. If I can just stick it out for another two years then I can start to draw from my IRA and can afford to take a lower paying job elsewhere. The conversation I had about taking my husband to Dr. visits was with my boss and his boss. FMLA is an option but only after I've used up all my vacation time. I won't be paid for the FMLA time and the way my company calculates the amount of vacation time you get, each year, is based on the number of hours you work the previous year. FMLA doesn't count in the time worked so my vacation time will be cut. I need that time, because we need the money.
The company I work for is large and has an HR department. Unfortunately, they are famous for being unhelpful and greatly prefer that you just go away and stop bothering them. There is a high turnover in HR. It seems that the people who actually want to help leave within a year. The last one assigned to my division left after three months. I will meet with the latest person, to get details about FMLA, soon so I'll feel them out. They are a new hire so I might actually get some helpful info out of them before they become disillusioned and leave.
Having someone else take him to appointments isn't really a good option. The number one issue with that is cost. Number two is he just tells the Dr. that everything is fine and he's great. Then he tells me that the Dr. says everything is great. Someone could take notes but it wouldn't be the same as they aren't familiar with him or his issues. Part of it is that husband doesn't remember and part is that he has never acknowledged his medical issues. It was monumental that he agreed to stop driving and that occurred only after a couple of very frightening incidents.

Sawdust, if you were a man you'd be delegating the care, not trying to do both demanding jobs, and that is what everyone would expect to happen. It would be just normal.

Apart from what's going on now and your supervisor, who I'll come back to, do you like your job and like your company?

If, taking a good long retrospective look, you do like your job and your co-workers and you'd definitely have wanted to stay if all this hadn't hit the fan, then delegate. Somebody else can take your husband to appointments, take notes, and communicate with you. Who? Ask around - look to your health insurance provider, your local social services, your doctor and hospital. It's what a caring husband would do. I'm sorry to sound so cynical, but it really isn't cynicism - I've long felt that instead of complaining about men we'd do better to follow their practical examples.

I suspect that supervisor partly believes he's doing this by the book, and partly smells blood. Tell him you appreciate his support (look him in the eye but try not to laugh) and then keep your head down. This will pass.

How large is your company? Large enough for an HR department? Large enough for FLMA? Is there another job you could transfer into and be under a different manager?

"...discussed my plans with them and they agreed." Who are the "we"? Don't be so sure it's your direct supervisor, he may be operating under directions from his supervisor.

"People have noted and commented on it." Coworkers or other managers?

If your company is large enough to be under Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and you can afford the unpaid hours, I recommend you consider getting your husband's doctor to fill out the form and start taking FMLA hours when you need to care for your husband. Under FMLA the company is required to hold your job. FMLA provides up to 12 weeks a year time off to care for a family member and can be taken by the hour. Check out how FMLA hours might impact your benefits if you decide to make this choice. (https://www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/)

Not only is age discrimination real, caregiver discrimination is also real. Someone in your company's management may have decided that you will need to leave or that your husband's health issues will impact your work eventually and they are trying to get you to leave before that happens (on their schedule). Or the company may be facing staff reductions and management has decided you should be one of the reductions but has no basis to support it so they need you to resign. One of your managers may have some hidden anger over a co-worker they perceived got "special treatment" in their past and is taking that anger out on you.

Whatever the reason it appears you have been targeted. In the short term, I would try to find someone else who can take your husband to his appointments; maybe consider hiring a case manager. Can any of the appointments be scheduled on Saturday when I assume you are off work? Long term you can just keep doing your job (and collecting your own documentation that you are doing your job) while you wait out the manager and keeping looking for another job. FMLA may help you hang onto this job longer. I suggest you consult with an attorney specializing in employment law so you can consider the evidence needs you might need for a FMLA complaint or a wrongful termination suit if things go badly. FMLA either makes a company back off or sometimes it causes an escalation in management's pressure on the worker.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this problem while dealing with your husband's care. It's not fair and it's not right but unfortunately it still happens. Try not to let your anger build, that just makes coping harder. Try to look on the managers pursuing this course as short sited. The "problem" is theirs, coping with their problem is your challenge. Please don't let one or two real jerks derail you life.

Would it be a consideration for you to hire an assistant to drive your husband to the appointments? After all if you worked for a different company you wouldn’t have the ability to take off so often.

You need the break. You need the insurance and you need your retirement. In short, you need your job. And how about taking a real vacation?

Perhaps you could listen in on the doctor appointments over your phone and only take your lunch hour to do that and not have to leave the office?

Don’t let this jerk take you down. Protect your future.