Do you ever wonder if you can “find” your way back after caring for a live in family member? I am seriously concerned the damage can’t be undone. In my case its my FIL. I’ll spare the details of all of the reasons I do not have any respect for him, but can tell you that it has a major impact on our relationship. Yes, I have talked to hubs about how I feel many many times.... we finally hired an in home service to come out once a week to get him to bathe and change clothes, this was the first week..... after she left I was so disappointed, when I had been very clear about the need for thorough bathroom cleaning. She did everything else wonderful and took the trash in the bathroom out. I looked in there this morning and see that she only swiped around the inside of the bowl, leaving the sides and around the floor a mess. Maybe I’m too picky but when you clean a toilet it is too to bottom inside and out.... I was wondering why the bathroom still smelled so bad. After I checked out the toilet itself, I had the awesome discovery of finding FILs underwear in the trash full of poop. I am so disgusted and worn out. The “benchmark” for removing him from our home (according to my husband) is when he cannot toilet and or needs to be hand fed. This has so sucked the joy out of my life that I worry things may never be the same between me and my husband. I know we will not just “spring right back”, and hell for that matter, we may go first! I am beyond depressed and feel hopeless....so sad.
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Fil's bathroom is now DHs job. Hiring help, supervising help and cleaning up surprises.
First off, as you know, the mental and physical and sometimes financial effects of caring for your senior parent, especially if they are difficult (ours wasn't too too bad), however he did have NPD, which became more apparent as the years went on, but I will say that the lack of intimacy definitely took its toll, as just the fact that we knew he was "in the next room" kinda, well Definitely did put a damper on what was previously a healthy sex life, and remember, like most of us sandwich generation, we had only just launched our youngest of 4 kids out into the adult world, so what should have been the best years of our lives enjoying ourselves traveling and not having to answer to anybody else's problems, was now restricted by having a parent to worry about, even if only it was about serving breakfast, lunch and dinner, and then as the years passed by, we were essentially shackled to the home, not able to leave him more than an hour or 2, or struggling to take him with us (which he never wanted to do) and then as his illness progressed, Never being able to leave him at all. You just never know what the future holds in caregiving!
Then once he did pass, just the sheer exhaustion, the situational depression and grieving process took more time than you could imagine. It was then that we were up against the decision to stay in our home with the constant memories of those difficult days and his death having occurred there, or sell our home, to downsize, thinking about our own future and that of our kids who are now busy adulting and having their own children, as we definitely don't want to be a burden to them, as we had had it, that is for sure!
So we sold our home, bought a Manufactured home in a 55 and over community, and we Love it! It's only been 3 months we moved in, but our kids all think it was a good decision, we are very comfortable and still, it's only been almost 2 years since losing our last remaining parent and we are still "recovering".
It takes a long time to get over losing a parent, and whether or not you can Ever get back to your previous life, hmmm, my guess is Not, but you can find your "New Normal", and redefine what you wish your life to be going forward.
Unfortunately, what you cannot get back is time. The time I especially miss is the time that missed seeing my Grandchildren as much as I would have liked, as it was especially hard taking my FIL to places like their baseball games and school activities, so we would often split up, not being able to enjoy those activities together, it was hard enough taking him to the occasional holiday evening, but those are the things that we give up as Caregivers.
No matter how your Caregiving days come to an end, you do the best that you can, and that's all we can do, but I highly recommend that you do not wait until things get too difficult, and they impact your life YOUR RELATIONSHIP beyond repair.
Sometimes you must take matters into your own hands and make changes so that the difficulties of Caregiving don't ruin your life beyond repair, whether that is getting your parent into an Assisted living situation or Nursing home, get your parent into Adult Day Care or get help into your home to make your life easier, do not wait until a crisis! I reccomend you do your homework Now, and have a sit down chat with your spouse and your elder, and be very Frank about your own needs for the betterment of your family life, even if that means that they won't be happy about it, as your life and that of your families must come first! You Matter!
Wishing you and hubs a long happy life, enjoying your children and grands, in your new home!
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hubby kept just saying I was exaggerating. One day I could find no clean towels. With 3 bathrooms, believe me I had A LOT of towels.
went into his bathroom, the smell just about knocked me over.
i was so mad...went straight into our bedroom where hubby was still in bed and told him that he needed to get up and get that mess in his dads bathroom picked up and cleaned up...because I was exaggerating.
Hubby cleaned it all up and made an appointment that afternoon to move Dad to a NH. dad moved that same week.
Funny how it is no big deal to hubby as long as he doesn’t have to deal with it. For months it was my problem...but the one time he had to deal with it, boy he jumps right up to get Dad moved.
EEEEEwwww... just EEEEEuwwwww!!!! THAT would be it for me, if I had taken anyone in...
(other than finding some solid poops in a plastic bag that previously held multiple pocket tissue packs while looking for her hearing aid, I don't know that mom does this - she went from her condo to MC - I was not up to caring physically or otherwise and brothers wouldn't know what to do! They haven't reported it to me if she has.)
Once your FIL leaves, be prepared for a honeymoon followed by a downtime. I was so ecstatically happy when my father was officially out of my house. I slept well, enjoyed my kids, felt so free. That lasted about 2 weeks, and then it felt like the world crashed down. Only in the last couple weeks have I gotten back to pre-5 years ago feeling like a good mom, good wife, taking care of business, lower anxiety and depression. Take the time.
Some people can care for a loved one in their home, but not everyone can. As we learn our limits, we do need to set boundaries and do what is most important. Your husband and children should be your priority. Your dad while he may not voice it, should be aware that your family should come first. When you said your vows in your marriage ceremony, you were leaving your parents (to some extent) and joining your life with your husband. He and your children then became your priority. It doesn’t mean you hate or abandon your dad (and you haven’t done that).
Having children with disabilities is also huge. I applaud you for seeing their needs over the needs of your dad (who can be cared for by other loving and caring staff).
Take care of yourself and your family. Visit your dad when you can (include the kids as much as possible, since this is a huge learning and loving experience for them, too). Go on a weekend retreat with the hubby, if able. Maybe get a manicure or massage for yourself. Rest when you can. You're doing a good job!
I do not believe I could find an aide to help me with her care if even at any reasonable cost. My life was strained before and needed an aide to stay with her before I could go anywhere. This has lifted and I can see her every other day so I think she knows who I am and am there to hold her hand and talk to her.
I truly was at burnout stage before and now the burnout is clearing her house out on my own knowing she is never coming back and doing so while she is still living.
Hard on the heart, but just have to face reality.
Prayers and strength day by day is what I have.