My elderly mother is telling her doctors that her daughter is charging her to live with her since she can't live alone. Any input?

I was helping my aunt from 2 states away, and visiting once a month. She refused having anyone come to her house to check on her, or drive her somewhere.  When she bounced a $10,000 check and couldn't figure out how, or where  her money was, she called for help.  We were there that evening, and asked for all her financial records, to see what happened.  The next morning we took her to both banks, got it all squared away, even the fees for bounced check which she really didn't want to pay.(Hubby said you have to.) Then we went out to lunch, where she said, so when are we going to the bank to fix the check?

We brought her to the ER with the sudden confusion and memory loss, and they kept her for tests.  Probable mini strokes.  Psychiatrist interviewed her.  I don't know how he worded the questions, but he said she was depressed and said she had no reason to live.  He started her on an anti-depressant and wanted to put her in psych ward for several weeks of observation.

I got a POA form printed out at the library and immediately filled out parts for her.  I asked a nurse to witness my aunt's signature.  Another visitor overheard and told us that without a POA, they could legally keep her, get protective custody from the state, and get all her money.  At that point my aunt understood enough to sign and agree to live with us for a few weeks while deciding what to do.

Long story, but your mother could end up in a similar situation if sister leaves, and she refuses to get help and pay someone.  Sister should not be guilted into staying.  Mom needs to hear the possible consequences.  And doctor needs to hear the truth. 

I took my aunt to her own doctor a few weeks before all this, and found out she'd not been honest.  He told her he was very worried about her.  (On the side, he told me it would be ok with him if I kidnapped her and took her to my home.)

Sister is living with Mom? If so, how is Mom saving money? I hope Sister isn't paying the bills to care for Mom in Moms house?

Whether Mom is living in her home or ur sisters, its not working. Mom needs more than u can provide. If she can afford it, she needs to go to an AL. If not then LTC. Sister needs to get back to work. Her future SS is involved here.

You also need to right up everything Mom does. I would take it personally to the doctors office and ask that he read it before Moms next visit. He needs to know about how she is lying. I would also mention that u paid room and board and mileage to Mom. Also, explain she does not allow u to come with her nor will she allow a POA so as her children, ur hands are tied.

Your mother is entitled to refuse whatever she wants to refuse, but if YOU and YOUR SISTER refuse to continue to give her what she unfairly demands, she will understand that she is no longer in charge.

The question now is l “What are you and your sister willing to do to support each other?”

Do you both feel guilty for attempting to provide for your own welfare? What is YOUR Doctor saying to you about your health? What about your sister’s health?

Keep a record of her “demands”. Do NOT believe what MOTHER says her doctor says, or said.

DO sit down with someone whom you trust and write a letter to her doctor, containing FACTS ONLY, about how Mother functions in the home. Nobody really cares about how “mean”or “stubborn” or any other emotionally based complaint she is, especially if they refuse to have anything to do with her.

Mail the letter to the doctor, then make a promise to yourself that you will IGNORE what she does and says.

If she needs residential care to save the lives of you and your sister, tell her she may choose THAT, or fend for herself. You have listened to her demands too often and too patiently.

TAKE CHARGE. Save YOUR life.

I honestly am not certain what motivates people to give up their lives for very difficult parents, parents who have often been difficult from day one. There honestly will be no thanks for it. People will not even judge one as "Saintly" but will simply say they martyred themselves for little reason. Is Mom demented? If not why is someone living with her. If she IS demented why has guardianship not been sought. You say that this is being done out of "love" but what did Mom do to deserve this love, because quite honestly not everyone in the world is deserving of our sacrifice, our love, and giving. I am not a great believer in putting myself into service for "blood" relations. I would be much more likely to do it for truly wonderful and cooperative people. I do not blame Mom for placing her husband in care if she was unable to care for him in the home, and I would certainly not blame you for seeing to it that Mom goes into care now, where her slaves will at least receive a salary. As to the MD he couldn't care less. She is just another elder with another story he has no time for given insurance likely covers him for 10 minutes per patient and he has health issues to deal with. You and your sister know who and what she is; if you choose to stay and take the abuse I feel that is truly your choice. I understand that I may sound very harsh, but the truth is the truth. I have very little patience for people who act in an abusive manner, and about as little as those who serve them for no other reason than that they demand it. I just don't buy the "love" stuff, unless of course Mom is now in the throes of complete dementia whereas once she was a wonderful and giving person.

To be honest, I don’t think the doctor really cares if your mother has to pay your sister to live with her or not. The doctor is interested in your mother’s physical health. He or she is not involved in who pays for what in Mom’s life. Doctors don’t get involved in family wars unless there is some sort of abuse or neglect of their patient involved. Then, they must report it to Adult Protective Services.

Help your sister out. If she says Mom must go to a facility so that she (sister) can stay sane, support her decision.

Does anyone go with mother to doctor's appointments to correct the misinformation?

Even though you cannot GET information from mother's doctor, you can certainly provide it, in a letter, an email or a fax.

Your sister has no obligation to give up her life to care for your mother. She knows that, doesn't she?

And if she IS caregiving, she SHOULD be paid. Your mother deserves the respect implied by paying her own way.