Advice on comments made for my ailing Mom?

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anonymous432569 Asked July 2019

Advice on comments made for my ailing Mom?

Ok Caregiving team. I am reaching out to you for your thoughts and guidance since this website has given me so much knowledge in my caregiving journey. A dear friend of mine and I were chatting and she asks how Mom is doing? My Mom was recently placed on hospice care (last week) my heart is broken but I am emotionally adjusting for the inevitable. When I told her Mom was placed on hospice care, her reply was well she is 85. Emotionally I had to freeze my thoughts for a minute not fully understanding WHY someone would make a statement like that. To me it comes across as well it is time for her to go? Instead of saying my prayers are with you during this difficult time, you are blessed to have her with you. Something more caring I guess. I know my friend did not mean it in any derogatory way but I had no idea what to say when she made that comment and if others say that what is the best, polite response. This really hurt me in how it came across and I cannot shake that feeling. Maybe I am being too sensitive but I am VERY close to my Mom and would walk thru fire for her. Thank you for your advice :)

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score 1 · Answer 1

Thank you to EVERYONE replying. This website has been such an HUGE emotional support for me I cannot tell you. I do not feel alone in my thoughts and feelings when I am on here. It covers all the topics I have experienced at some point. Blessings and prayers to all of you as caregivers...goodness knows we need it. Wish all of us lived closer so we could have our own face to face support group, I would make dinner, someone brings wine and we all chat about our life experiences. That is how I roll and I have to say my friends have been my anchor in all of this, my one pal (35 yrs and counting) went to almost EVERY appt Mom had with the Dr's so she knows the cancer journey. Like someone said, this IS the most emotionally devastating experience I have ever gone thru. Thank you again for your works of support, I truly appreciate it.

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score 3 · Answer 2

"Yes, she is." I wouldn't say anything more than that.

People say the stupidest things, and as much as we might want to call them out on it would cause a confrontation and that probably would only make us feel worse. (Although they might think twice before saying it to the next person).
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score 4 · Answer 3

I’m so sorry you’re facing this. I’m sure your emotions are raw as you deal with it. But, Alvadeer is right. People just don’t know what to say. And, some people, like my husband, seem to believe that when a person reaches a certain age they should do everyone a favor and “check out”. However, now that he himself is that age, he doesn’t say that any more.

Don't hold it against your friend. Social graces are truly a lost art nowadays. Seem like a lot of people just blurt out whatever comes to mind.

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score 5 · Answer 4

I haven't forgiven a similar remark made to me about my father, nearly twenty years ago. I forgave the person, but not the remark.

I think you just have to write it off as crashingly tactless and do your best to put it out of your mind. There might be ways to correct your friend's thinking; but then again if she's a friend worth having she probably kicked herself all the way home anyway, and if so... you won't gain anything by bringing it up.

Least said, soonest mended. Just make it clear to her that you are going to make the most of every minute your mother has.

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score 5 · Answer 5

Oh, hon. I am so sorry. People do not know WHAT to say. They often will stop seeing friends because they are so uncomfortable. They haven't a clue what to say. And they do their best. It would have stung less had she said "Oh, no. I am so sorry. But I know hospice is such a help and will help you make her comfortable. You are so very lucky to have had your Mom all these years. But it is never OK--it is one of the worst losses of our lives. Please tell me if I can help in any way". Yeah. She is likely home right now thinking "Oh, GOD! That didn't sound right." It is like a parent losing a child. And people will come to them and say "Do you have OTHER children". Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm. They could have 50 other kids. That doesn't make the loss of a child anything but utter devastation. But people slip up and say the wrong thing all the time. Sometimes I think it is easier for us in this awful time to be a little ticked off than to have to sink right into the utter grief and loss that is facing us. So very, very sorry.

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Thank you AlvaDeer. I TRULY LOVE this site. When I started my caregiving journey last year when Mom moved in I had so many emotional meltdowns and felt so alone in what I was processing. This site REALLY helped me since I did not feel alone in my thoughts and feelings. I appreciate you taking the time and replying. Your words of support and comfort are a blessing to you family :)

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Advice on comments made for my ailing Mom?

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