My mother injured her knee 9 years ago and hasn’t sought proper help for it. Because of the lack of mobility, she has lost the ability to now walk at her age of 61. My brother and I have been taking care of her every need (we are both now 25 and 23) and feel as though we have missed out on our youth. We are meant to stay home and can’t go out because every few minutes our mother needs something whether it be food, turning on the air conditioning/turning it down, or a wash after she goes to the bathroom. She refuses to get a home health care because she says she birthed us and it’s our turn to take care of her. Due to her not being able to feed, bathe, or clothe herself she has become an angry woman and takes her frustration out on us verbally.
We have absolutely no life. Because of having to stay home, my 25 year old brother has no friends, social life, never had a girlfriend, or a stable job. It’s not fair and has left us all extremely depressed and not liking each other. I try to convince my mom that this is no life for us, but it results in me being told I’m selfish and other obscene words. My question is how do I convince her that we cannot do this anymore and it’s not healthy without any arguments? We have no other family to talk to about this.
11 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Does she have a doctor? You need to contact him/her and explain what us going on and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist.
How is your household supported? Who provides income?
If you are on welfare or the equivalent, do you have a caseworker who can help?
ADVERTISEMENT
There's NO FLUFFIN' WAY that HER own bad decisions should force you to abandon YOUR own lives. Also ... since when does a problem with *one* knee make anyone completely helpless? Yeah, it's a Major Inconvenience, but grownups learn to compensate. She's not acting like a grownup here.
Your mom's doc may not want to *tell* you anything ... BUT ... you can still inform them about what is really happening in your household. Might help, or not.
I see that you are in the US. All counties have a Council on Aging. They *may* offer services you can use.
BEYOND THE ABOVE ... you need to plan an escape route.
Elders have been left to become wards of the state. Last resort, for sure ... but sometimes it's the only way to resolve a dysfunctional situation.
Please, please, keep us posted!
When someone like your mother makes an unsound decision about her health, some might question her competency to make decisions about herself. Someone like your mother may have intellectual, psychological or other medical issues which prevent her from making sound decisions about her health care. In cases like this, goverment agencies might decide to assess her to see if she has cognitive capacity to make decisions. This is a process designed to find out if someone is of sound mind to make decisions, and if not, to appoint someone who can make proper decisions for her and organise proper medical supports.
So, what I'm getting at, is that I think you should tell your story to a doctor, nurse or other health care professional like a social worker (preferably your mother's doctor if she has one) Someone like this who can point you in the right direction and support you to get the right things in place for your mother. I believe she needs an assessment for competency, and as you say she has refused all formal interventions and expects family to nurse her. This is not appropriate and as the situation deterioriates, proper medical and care services need to be in place. Not that you are and your brother are not helpful, but your mother's medical needs are beyond what family members can provide.
If your mother is competent and of sound mind. then she can do as she pleases, but that does NOT include forcing you to be her care givers. She should make her own arrangements. I know this is easier said than done, but that is how the law sees it. If she is not competent and is comprimised in some way (in her mind) - then authorities need to get involved.
You and your brother are both adults and are entitled to make your own decisions and make your own lives. If you have been trained and brainwashed and forced for many years to be your mom's "slaves" it may be very difficult to think in a new way, but I think reaching out here you know something is not quite right and you need to do something.
It's really good that you reached out here. I'm hoping others will have good advice for you both.
Just start saving every penny you have, find extra ways to make money for a down payment on an apartment for you and your brother. Both of you working together can make it happen.
I was so naive at your age and no one warned me. Thought this is what good daughters are supposed to do. I completely fell for the guilt trip every.single.time. I am going through the worst burnout of my life now, have gone back to finish my degree and am in classrooms with people around your age and a bit younger. I am witnessing firsthand everything I missed as well as noticing how accomplished these students are. I know several who are 22 and have started their own businesses, traveled, great internships and are generally very career focused. At your age you need to be positioning yourself and building some skills and experience for your career goals. You don’t want to be my age, broke and surrounded my people who are married/kids/houses and generally very accomplished in their careers. While you have created nothing for yourself.
You will not be able to ‘convince her’, no matter what you say she will push all your buttons and work the guilt trip on you to keep you there. Let her call you selfish as you pack up to move. I moved in with and started caring for my mother at 19 and pretty much lost all my twenties. Your mother, like mine has a chronic illness. Not a terminal illness. You can still caregiver/oversee/set up services from afar. Part of convincing her can be to let her know that you are absolutely not leaving her to fend for herself. That her ‘care plan’ is just expanding.
You have to sit down privately and decide what aspects of caregiving you and your brother are willing to provide and which ones you are not. Maybe you shop all the groceries and do a little meal prep and come in to help her bathe if she’s self conscious around the caregiver at first. Then the caregivers can take her to doctors appointments and do her laundry/housekeeping tasks.
If she is unable to feed or bathe herself she should be able to qualify for some disability services from your county. Start researching in home care/preferably hire a caregiver with a car so they can take her to doctors appointments etc.
please stop trying to convince her or have these talks where you share your heart and she then just steps on it, it will just depress you.
Privately make arrangements and plans with your brother to move out/save money etc. private because as soon as she gets wind that you are serious she will either turn into the sweetest most charming lovable mother out of fear to make you forget all the ugly behavior. Or she will complain and guilt you until you break. Make arrangements so your moms needs will be met. Then sit down one day after everything is ready to go/ready to move out and TELL her that you love her but the current situation isn’t working out and some changes are being made. That you will always be involved and making sure she gets the best care possible, but that you and brother aren’t qualified for the level of care she needs.
I’m sorry if I came off harsh. I’m sure your mom can be a sweet lady and honestly she may be so consumed with the fear of being alone that it was blinded her to seeing what staying there will do to damage you and your brothers ability to provide for yourselves in the future, as well as making the most out of your youth.
no matter what you ultimately decide. Please take your own health seriously at least. It is easy to let yourself go/get depressed when your constantly focused on someone else’s health. If anything get a cheap gym membership and just walk on the treadmill. Even if your not trying to lose weight, living with your mother and being her caregiver is draining. For me going to the gym for even an hour has helped deal with the mental and physical stress.
I wish you strength!!
She is all wrapped up in herself and her needs and she doesn't see that she is destroying her children's lives. Unlike her, you are MOBILE. You can go out and get a job. Same with your brother. If her needs go unmet, let her suffer until she agrees to have some outside help.
Right now, she has you both serving her, why would she want to change that? She is not suffering. You and your brother are. She doesn't have to make any change until there's a need. Let's give her that need.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and she knows just how to work it to get what she wants, unfortunately at your and your brothers expense. She has you wrapped around her little finger. Darn right you’re resentful!
You and brother need to get out. Your mother is toxic to your mental health.
Call her doctors office (if she has one) and ask what resources she qualifies for. One bad knee does not make a 61 year old an invalid. Introduce her to a cane, crutches or walker. Goodwill has them cheap.
You must (re)gain your life back before you loose it for good. You think you’re resentful NOW, don’t change anything, keep caring for her for the next 30 years and THEN tell me how much resentment you have!
See All Answers