I visit Mom 1-2 times a week (live 20 minutes away) and call her twice a day. I am very nice to her and try to comply with the guidelines of dealing with a person with dementia. It has become increasingly difficult because she doesn't want to hang up the phone unless I say I will come over to visit (which I cannot, that's why I'm calling.) I am her only living relative and POA. It crushes me to tell her I can't see her and wonder should I lie and tell her Ill be over or just not phone at all? I feel like I'm calling to ultimately turn her down or disappoint her. Comments?
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Then 5 minutes after the call, all is forgotten anyway. I would visit when you can. I used to start out the visit by saying, “Hi Mom, I’m your daughter, Sue.” She’d say, “Oh, you ARE? I didn’t know I had a daughter.” Then I’d start (each time) with how old I was and a brief rundown of my life. Sometimes she’d be so amazed. She was always glad to see me because she recognized my face as familiar.
Don’t feel guilty by not calling. Instead think that she won’t be confused by not wondering who she was talking to. You are NOT ignoring her. She won’t miss the calls.
You’re a GOOD daughter by your caring. Calling doesn’t make you any better.
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However, when I visit, she cries when I say goodbye. I have changed that now to "I will see you again as soon as I can" or "I will see you soon," knowing that "soon" is a relative word. I don't feel as bad stating it that way and she is okay with that. The bottom line is that she won't remember anyway if I called 5 minutes ago or last week or even at all.
We both feel good about the call for the moment, no strings attached.
I think so so much about caregiving parents triggers the guilt thing. Emotionally I feel guilty and sad for not talking to dad. Rationally though, I know there’s not much to be gained other than him being confused about who I am till it’s all forgotten in the next minute.
Best of luck
He could use visits and calls as justification to not be part of his new home. He did better with less contact.
I know it is hard when they forget your name, but it is her broken brain not her heart towards you. Maybe when you first arrive say hi mom it's (your name) your daughter. Then let it go.
It's okay to visit when you can and then let her live her life the rest of the time. Humans are amazing beings, we can adapt to anything.
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