First thing is, you must get hold of yourself and access your circumstances. Your post is very vague. Believe me when I say, we all know about not having our freedom from a relative. "Freaking out" is a natural reaction to this illness and all that comes with it. You dad's anger is not personal, just misdirected. People with Alzheimer's/dementia can easily be ticked off - it's the illness talking not them. If your father is to the point he's not aware of your presence, perhaps it's time to think of a memory care facility. But before you do: Has he been diagnosed? Does he live with you or do you live in his home? Do you have POA? or Medical POA? Have you seen a lawyer, if necessary? Do you have relatives that need to be contacted or involved? You also need to take a moment and just breath. For many, myself included, walking this path was one I never saw coming and can be quite overwhelming when the reality hits you. For your sake, I offer this: It takes two to argue. Pick your fights carefully, when he wants to argue, don't reply. Don't take the bait. Neither of you need it. Give it a minute and try to redirect him to another subject. Think of it as how you deal with a grumpy, sick, child. You'd never argue with them or try to make things worse, same here. I understand it's easier said than done and I mean no offense - Alzheimer's or Dementia is a daily grind that can wear you out emotionally and physically so quickly if you don't learn how to dodge and weave. Educate yourself to learn as much as possible on the various stages. Read these columns for other's examples of decline in their loved ones. This gives valuable insight on what this illness can do and how it manifests. Which is why I ask where he's diagnosed. To my knowledge, when they can't recognize you, he's further down the path and should see about professional care. Arguing can also drag them down faster, too. Give yourself time to have a cup of tea, some meditation or prayer time. Take naps when you can, eat right. You matter - take care of you, your mind and realize you are not alone. Keep a journal for private venting. Let's face it, if there is anything on this earth deserving anger - it's this illness. You can't carry with you or let it's anger, resentment get a hold on you and drag your life down. I also offer this for your dad: Try music. Just play something from his era - Jazz, classical or swing. Anything to lighten the mood. Flowers are also a nice touch, it can soothe and be bright and airy. I'll also add these two cents in: Is this illness and advice easy? No. It's a rough road with many twists and turns that can drown many even after the loss of a loved one. But your best defense is in education and then let your compassion and common sense do the rest. And even that, will take a beating. But you can get past this and by knowing the facts and methods of insulating YOU - your very heart, sanity, peace-of-mind, conscious and ability to transcend your love and compassion, you have to stay focused and roll with the punches. You will be around a lot longer than your loved one. Preserve and protect it, and know, it will pass. Life will go on and while you may think you're walking alone, you're not. Take strength from it and hold on.
Step back and take a look at your situation. Your profile says you are caring for both parents with no help from your 5 other siblings. Taking care of one person with dementia is very difficult, and if your mom also suffers with it, you are on a fast track to burnout.
Call a family meeting and explain to your siblings exactly how you feel. Explain to them that you are trapped in the house and unable to leave. Dad is constantly argumentative and doesn’t recognize you. I’m sure there are other things he does that make him difficult to care for as well. Accept no accusations of poor care on your part from them. This is a meeting to go forward with a solution and you need their suggestions, not their judgement. If they don’t want to meet with you, tell them you must make arrangements to put Dad in a facility because you want your life back.
Harris, I see from your profile that you are a retired school teacher, and you are taking care of your parents. I assume your Dad has Alzheimer's/Dementia, correct?
Is that your Dad's only issue, or does he have other health issues? You mention your Dad wants to argue all the time. It could be that he has an Urinary Tract Infection, which can cause elders to not be user-friendly. This can be tested at his primary doctor's office or at an urgent care. If he doesn't have an UTI, Dad could be frustrated at getting old, which isn't easy, and to throw into the mix memory loss doesn't make it any better.
How is your Mom doing? How is she coping with your Dad's memory issues? It probably is upsetting her as your Dad isn't the same person she first married.
I don't have any real information here to try to answer. You say you cannot leave the house. What are the "house circumstances?" That is to say 1. Is your father suffering from dementia 2. Are you his caregiver 3. Do you live in HIS home with him 4. Is there other involved family? This may be a situation in which you need simply to walk away, but I cannot tell what things you must set in place for his care. If you intend to leave this house (assuming it is NOT your own house) and your father is endangered by this, Adult Protective Services should be notified so they can check on your father's well being. If this is your house, I am afraid you are looking at placement of your father, whose care has not become impossible for you. It sounds like. Any more information you can give us will help us try to be helpful with suggestions.
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You dad's anger is not personal, just misdirected. People with Alzheimer's/dementia can easily be ticked off - it's the illness talking not them. If your father is to the point he's not aware of your presence, perhaps it's time to think of a memory care facility. But before you do: Has he been diagnosed? Does he live with you or do you live in his home? Do you have POA? or Medical POA? Have you seen a lawyer, if necessary? Do you have relatives that need to be contacted or involved?
You also need to take a moment and just breath. For many, myself included, walking this path was one I never saw coming and can be quite overwhelming when the reality hits you. For your sake, I offer this: It takes two to argue. Pick your fights carefully, when he wants to argue, don't reply. Don't take the bait. Neither of you need it. Give it a minute and try to redirect him to another subject. Think of it as how you deal with a grumpy, sick, child. You'd never argue with them or try to make things worse, same here. I understand it's easier said than done and I mean no offense - Alzheimer's or Dementia is a daily grind that can wear you out emotionally and physically so quickly if you don't learn how to dodge and weave.
Educate yourself to learn as much as possible on the various stages. Read these columns for other's examples of decline in their loved ones. This gives valuable insight on what this illness can do and how it manifests. Which is why I ask where he's diagnosed. To my knowledge, when they can't recognize you, he's further down the path and should see about professional care. Arguing can also drag them down faster, too. Give yourself time to have a cup of tea, some meditation or prayer time. Take naps when you can, eat right. You matter - take care of you, your mind and realize you are not alone. Keep a journal for private venting. Let's face it, if there is anything on this earth deserving anger - it's this illness. You can't carry with you or let it's anger, resentment get a hold on you and drag your life down.
I also offer this for your dad: Try music. Just play something from his era - Jazz, classical or swing. Anything to lighten the mood. Flowers are also a nice touch, it can soothe and be bright and airy.
I'll also add these two cents in: Is this illness and advice easy? No. It's a rough road with many twists and turns that can drown many even after the loss of a loved one. But your best defense is in education and then let your compassion and common sense do the rest. And even that, will take a beating. But you can get past this and by knowing the facts and methods of insulating YOU - your very heart, sanity, peace-of-mind, conscious and ability to transcend your love and compassion, you have to stay focused and roll with the punches. You will be around a lot longer than your loved one. Preserve and protect it, and know, it will pass. Life will go on and while you may think you're walking alone, you're not. Take strength from it and hold on.
Call a family meeting and explain to your siblings exactly how you feel. Explain to them that you are trapped in the house and unable to leave. Dad is constantly argumentative and doesn’t recognize you. I’m sure there are other things he does that make him difficult to care for as well. Accept no accusations of poor care on your part from them. This is a meeting to go forward with a solution and you need their suggestions, not their judgement. If they don’t want to meet with you, tell them you must make arrangements to put Dad in a facility because you want your life back.
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Is that your Dad's only issue, or does he have other health issues? You mention your Dad wants to argue all the time. It could be that he has an Urinary Tract Infection, which can cause elders to not be user-friendly. This can be tested at his primary doctor's office or at an urgent care. If he doesn't have an UTI, Dad could be frustrated at getting old, which isn't easy, and to throw into the mix memory loss doesn't make it any better.
How is your Mom doing? How is she coping with your Dad's memory issues? It probably is upsetting her as your Dad isn't the same person she first married.
With more info, we can better gauge our answers.
1. Is your father suffering from dementia
2. Are you his caregiver
3. Do you live in HIS home with him
4. Is there other involved family?
This may be a situation in which you need simply to walk away, but I cannot tell what things you must set in place for his care. If you intend to leave this house (assuming it is NOT your own house) and your father is endangered by this, Adult Protective Services should be notified so they can check on your father's well being.
If this is your house, I am afraid you are looking at placement of your father, whose care has not become impossible for you. It sounds like.
Any more information you can give us will help us try to be helpful with suggestions.