Need some suggestions. Mom is 92 and declining. "Caregiver" is our brother who has POA and Aspergers. Help.

I agree that it would be helpful to stay a few days in the home for a visit, so you can see exactly what is going on. Is it safe for mother to be left alone in the home, due to her issues? That would be a major concern. But, that could be remedied with having someone come into the home while brother works, however, is brother up for working his job and caring for mother? I'd explore what her level of need is now and if it's being met. If her mind is sound, maybe, she would be open to suggestions. If it's not, and you sense the situation is not safe or ideal, I'd get a consult with an attorney in her jurisdiction to find out what your options are.

Thank you for your suggestions. I visit there is planned soon. Glisse1121

The keyword I hear is "enabling". Sometimes this is code for, "he is using her money to live off of". Money is a very divisive thing in families. I agree with Ahmijoy below about the visit. Hopefully you can check on your mom's finances to make sure she has enough to go into an ALF or that there is no financial abuse going on. With him having the PoA I'm not sure you can do anything no matter what, especially if your mom is fine with the situation. Just accomplish basic stuff like make sure her home is senior safe, and that you impress upon your brother what information you want and when (like medical issues, financial, etc). Transparency goes a long way in this situation. One thing with having male offspring care for moms is the bathing and bathroom routine...ask to make sure she is comfortable with that (and that he is, too). Caregiver burnout is very common, so check in with your bro that he is ok with the amount he is doing as it will only get more intense. Good luck!

I don't honestly see the problem. You do not mention dementia, or unsafe environment when the brother isn't there, so I assume it is OK, and not certain if you don't live near how you would honestly know. It sounds as though they have been together for some time, that she chose the brother to be her POA, and that they get along well and without complaints from either of them. The brother certainly is well enough to do his gigs and to work 20 hours. You say he is undiagnosed, so you really have no diagnosis, and many on the spectrum can function well enough, and in fact do fine in their controlled environment. Sounds to me it is all going OK for them. And that is what is important, barring anything unsafe you may worry about in the future. Wishing you the best.

Just for clarification, what do you see as the main issue here? Is your brother a functioning member of society? I work 25 hours a week for minimum wage and I don’t think that interferes with my ability to care for my husband. I have friends with Asperger’s Syndrome and one in particular is far more intelligent than I. Since you are not local, do you feel you know how their days go and how Brother takes care of Mom? What you see as “enabling” may just be her gratitude for his care of her. Do either one of them feel the need to “move on”? Mom may speak of moving to Assisted Living but she also may think that’s what you want to hear.

Has she fallen and if so, does she fall regularly? Do you feel that if she has, it’s because she’s not being cared for properly? Are you aware if the house is clean, she is well-fed and her personal needs are met? Are her finances in order; bills paid, etc? Does she receive the meds she needs and go to her doctor regularly?

This is not a topic for long-distance discussions. Plan to visit Mom and Brother to scope things out and see if any intervention is truly needed.