End of life without food and drink. I'm devastated...

Hi Helen,
I’m a nurse too, hospice was my last job before I retired 10 months ago.

I was so worried about my dad when he was transitioning from this world. He hadn’t eaten or drank for a few days. (He had a feeding tube too but his body wasn’t processing the food-it just stayed in the stomach). But, as the body is preparing to shut down, no food or drink is required. It’s actually detrimental to try to give it. Their bodies can’t accept it.
This goes against everything we have been taught. We want them nourished but refusing food or not tolerating the liquid food through the feeding tube is the body’s way of saying that the physical life is just about over.

Please use the services of hospice if you can. They can be a wealth of information and strength.

It’s great that your mom isn’t in pain because bedsores can hurt. Know that she’ll be perfect in Heaven. Morphine is a good drug and will provide her with comfortable last days.

I pray that that you can help your mom through her journey to the spirit world. There will be no more suffering or physical problems there.

I am so sorry for you. I lost my mom in March, so I know how you ache. I told Mom to go with Jesus and/or the angels when they came for her, that we’d be OK here and that it was important for her to let go here so she could enjoy the blessings there.

May your mother’s passing be quiet and comfortable. May you both be held in the loving arms of the Lord. It shouldn’t be too much longer.

Big hugs.

I went through this very thing with my father before he passed in 2015 and it was gut wrenching. I remember timing his breaths............he'd go for nearly a whole minute without taking a breath, and I'd be holding mine the entire time. I was to the point where I was praying for him to pass because it was just too hard to witness him in that condition. Your dear mom is not in pain, Helen, so take comfort in that knowledge. Leave when you have to, as well, and don't feel the need to stay by her side 24/7 because it can get to be too too much. Sending you a big hug and lots of prayers that your mom passes quickly & peacefully.

Helen, I am so sorry. I can't imagine your pain of her current condition and tending your mother. What a relief she's in no pain.

If your mother is religious or spiritual, can you call in her priest/pastor? Tell her all the great things you've always wanted to tell her. Was she a great mom? Let he know. Did she have a hobby that there were parts that you loved? Tell her. If you're religious/spiritual, perhaps say a prayer out loud. Sing a song. Tell her a story about yourself.

Bring objects that have meaning for her and place them by her bed where if she can see them. Keep the room quiet or play soft music.

Above all, take care of yourself. Make sure you have breaks, eat healthy, and drink plenty of water. Try to sleep.

Please let us know how you and your mother fare. Hugs to you in this horribly stressful time.

I am so sorry for your agony at this end. I am so thankful your Mom is not in pain. I am thankful also that the feeding tube is removed. That along with the severe diarrhea they usually cause, and the bedsores, only makes things worse. Your Mom is dying now. She has you there, and your love has been there. You honor her with your watch over her in this last time. She will separate herself from you more in my experience, with or without the morphine. She is going to a place we don't know. I am a nurse, and through a long career I came to believe that death is our last great adventure, and for myself I do not fear it. I greatly fear suffering, and it is her suffering you see now; our bodies fight so hard in our service all our lives, and they resist death with all they can muster. Bring pictures of her when she was young, if you are able. Show them to everyone to remind them of her long life. Remind yourself of all she has been, all she has seen, of her full life. I am so sorry.

Helen, my heart is with you as you sit with your mother.

499 mentioned her experience. I have written many times on these forums about my step father passing. It was a peaceful death, he was not in pain and his breathing gradually slowed until he forgot to take another breath.

Some like my Granny wait until a special day, in her case her birthday and late at night after the family had left to leave.

Please believe me in time you will remember Mum as she was when she was healthy, not as the woman in the bed now. I worried when my Granny died that I would remember her as she was in her last days. Those memories have faded and the happy memories are front and centre.

Helen, I'm so sorry you and your Mom are going through this. I went through it with my Mom a year ago. I know how very painful and hard it is. All you can do is be with her, hold her hand, speak quietly to her, let her know you're there and that you love her.

The last few weeks of my mother's life were the hardest but the most precious of all the time I spent with her. There is nothing you can do for a person that is more important that to be present with them while their life is ending. I'm so glad your mother's not in pain. I hope you can find peace with her passing, knowing you gave her the greatest give a daughter could give her Mom.

Dear All Great People Here,
I felt so warm and greateful with each reply from you all. Many thanks for your thoughtfulness, kind words and love.

My mom passed away peacefully this afternoon in the hospital. When we reached after a call from hospital, she already gone. I was with her last evening. I pray that God will take good care of her taking away all the suffering and sadness due to her disease.

Take care everyone and God bless!

Do you have anybody with you, Helen? This is a heck of an ordeal to go through on your own.

Is your mother in hospital, in a facility, in a hospice facility, at home? I'm just wondering who's around you who might offer support.

I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this! Sending you a big hug.

So, so sorry you are going through this. I was exactly where you are last year with my relatively young mother. It is very difficult to watch.

You can put lotion on her skin, play soft music, wet her lips... or just be nearby as you can tolerate it. Remember to take the time to be away... these long vigils are very hard on the person doing them... if she passes when you are away, that is Ok. There are some journeys we can’t control and no one can make them with us... this one is hers.

It may get more difficult to see before the end. The diseased body often does not go peacefully. It is shutting down. You have been able to help her be as comfortable as possible while that happens. You have done what you can to love her and ease her suffering... you are a good daughter.

It is hard work making the journey from life to beyond. Tell her you know this is hard work and that she is doing such a good job.

And that there is no part of this journey in which she is alone. Nor are you. There is no darkness that can keep the light of God from her. I know this is so difficult, hang in there, you are walking her home.