My 80 year old husband has endstage COPD and heart failure. He just sits all day and doesn't even try to do anything. Well before he got this bad he had an affair that devastated me. I was about to leave, then his health took a turn for the worse. I am only 63 and have had cancer twice and got zero help from him. Now I feel trapped taking care of him. I so want to move on with my life, but since we have been married 35 years responsibility is overwhelming me. I don't know what to do.
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You can start taking time for yourself every day. Just because he sits around doing nothing all day - which is what end stage COPDers do - does not, in my opinion, mean you have to keep him company. Find 2-3 hours each day at a time when he's napping or otherwise settled into doing nothing, and go do something. Getting out of the house is the first step toward living your life again. You are only 63, and there are many opportunities out there to enjoy.
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Good luck.
I am in same boat as you, pretty much. Hubby of 30 years cheated more than once, practiced control and emotional blackmail daily. Last 10+ years has been retired, living with Parkinson's and last 3 years dementia also. He has not helped with anything for about 8-10 years. Some days he can't think or do anything, some days are better and he can get by with assistance. Best thing is he is easier and more pIeasant to live with. I am 63 year's young and am planning for my life "after Bert". I still work full-time, have assumed all responsibilities of home and family life, see a counselor, pay in-home part time caregiver help, pay a once weekly housekeeper, attend 2 monthly care giver support groups, belong to this online caregiver support group, schedule a social life, foster dogs and volunteer with dog rescue, and am planning a big 2 week cruise and land tour package to Alaska and Canada. Hubby will be going to respite care in NH for the 2 weeks and two dog friends will live in my home and care for my and their own dogs (one week each). I must have a life balance and plan to survive this long term caregiver role. It is never easy, but you need a support circle and plan for your future when this role ends. I may be in this role for another 10 years, but I will feel good about my commitment to hubby and even better when I have the life insurance to pay off the mortgage and his SS benefits which pay higher than mine.
Hugs and good luck to you and your choice.
I admire how you have kept a structure & a routine....and living a full life.
You won't lose by doing the right thing by "Bert" either....
And this sickness & incapacity of the body has forced Bert to look at himself...I am sure he didn't like what he saw....so now he is sweeter to you...I am happy for you
I take care of my Grumpy Grandpa......its the most difficult thing I have ever done...somedays I can keep it together...like you do...(you make it sound like ice skating....quick smooth & graceful :)'
Somedays when he's abusive I fall apart & scream & cry
I just keep us both as healthy as possible....and do my very best
"When you give, you are not the giver, but the witness of life giving to itself"
Kahil Gibran author
Book
The Prophet
The reason I ask is that you're feeling trapped, and from your tone of voice you are also plain exhausted. I'm guessing that this has been going on too long and some straw has just broken your back.
Forget the affair. Forget the payback. This is about what you want to do *now*.
Has your husband been evaluated for hospice? Would you consider transferring him to a hospice facility or a nursing home? When did you last get a real break?
It’s horrid feeling trapped so I get that.. why not take a vacation by yourself to get away for a bit? Come back refreshed, restored?