How do I handle 85 year old parent that says nasty things to her daughter when arguing, always threatens me to leave and take money away?

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Godisgood1962 Asked July 2019

How do I handle 85 year old parent that says nasty things to her daughter when arguing, always threatens me to leave and take money away?

She blames me for things she says? I moved back and left my life I had in Rhode Island (35yrs) to move back n take care of HER! I Dont work except twice a week (I entertain) when she's good shes great n so loving BUT when she gets in her episodes she's just WICKED! N I hate her! The things that comes out of her mouth is AMAZING!!!😮 I moved away because of that n also she use to drink not anymore. I know she had a pretty bad life n her bringing up was not the best nor great. Even when she got married. My dad past away a year ago n my youngest brother died 8yrs ago in a very TRAGIC accident. Right now we r not talking to each other. I wish I never moved back she begged me with her sad n loving voice to come home n I did!!!! N now ...... I have anxiety every time she gets a little mad I wanna throw up! I try to avoid confrontation but it seems like she just cant shut her mouth!!!! Just blames me for everything!!!!!! Im so sick n of it n she always says im sorry! I take the blame even if I dont know what I did. I hold everything in but yesterday was it. I know its not Christian like to do that. I thank God I pray and go to church cause I know He is there helping me. Butttttt its so hard!

Burnout Family Caregiver Relationships

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score 2 · Answer 1

I think that this will not get better. I think it may be time to move on with your life. It will be very difficult because you are used to your job being taking care of your Mom, and moving will mean getting a real job, hopefully close so you can be some support. You did a wonderful thing to move with her when she needed you, but now it is not working out, and your staying could mean you give up your life to her care, knowing she could have many many more years of life, and it will become more difficult, not easier, with many more needs. So sorry as this will be very hard. I would seek some support in order to form a plan, perhaps a few hours with a licensed social worker who deals with family crisis. Then meet with Mom and a Social Worker and form a plan that is good for her. I am afraid not dealing with this will leave you as her doormat, and more than anxious for the rest of your life with her. If she needs 24 hour care you may be looking at placement for your Mom. So time to start with a plan to move forward with your life.

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score 2 · Answer 2

I like what CM said. Time to evaluate. Does Mom need care? What can she do alone. Would an Independent living or AL be better. Does she have money for these?

Call Office of Aging for resources. Transportation, meals on wheels, aides. Get al your info together. Maybe even start some of it. Tell Mom its time to return to RI. She needs to take advantage of what is available. That you cannot take the abuse and its time to go.

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The OP's place is so tiny (3,000-ish people) I wasn't sure there'd be an Office of Aging! But I'm very glad to have been wrong - here's the link, and the website looks really helpful :)

https://www.mauicountyadrc.org

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score 2 · Answer 3

You are accustomed to living and working in Rhode Island.
Your mother lives in a tiny city on a small island in Hawaii.
You sadly lost your father one year ago, only.
Your bereaved mother felt that she needed your support and asked you to come home to care for her.

Agreeing to do that was not a bad idea. Your mother did need your support, and you were willing to give it. But making it permanent... that's just not working.

How difficult would it be to reverse the process and return to your own life? What practical support does your mother in fact need? What are her health issues? What services and/or facilities are available for her? Is anything stopping you going home to RI and picking up where you left off?

It's only a year, and I wouldn't have thought it would be too late. But this isn't about "punishing" your mother for her unkindness, or abandoning her to her fate. It's just about recognising that you had a plan, it isn't working, so you and she need to make a different plan.

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Thank you countrymouse! For your support. Yes I deal with office of aging they have been pretty helpful! I moved away when I was 21 in 1983 and moved bck home to Hawaii in step 2015 so I've only been living with her for 3yrs going on the 4th. She has a very good heart and very generous to me n ppl Butttttt when you say smthng or do smthng or like your actions make her feel uptight or angry and she takes it the wrong way and her "mind" starts spinning thinking all negative things ... Thats when her really bad DEFENSIVE ugly side comes out! And let me tell you girl an 85 ur old lady her mouth can cut u like a knife! Its amazing how someone old lije that has all that negativity n nasty energy! I Actually feel sorry for, to have all that unhappy ugliness inside of u kept bottled up since she was young! N yes she had a hard abusive life.... One would think that when U Hve ur own kids u wouldn't treat them the way u were treated. But I guess all that anger bottled up over time Has its drawbacks and what I go through when she's mad over smthng I did or say or didnt do n not listen to her the punishment is me!!!! Cause im the only one there. She goes to psychiatrist n takes meds for it but still when the so called "episodes " come on im Shit outa luck and have to listen to nasty n hurtful things. So I walk away or go outside n water her plants I try not to say much cause it only escalates matters or I take the blame n apologize! Im sure i can b pretty tuff to when I cant take it. But im just really tired of it I hate confrontation hated like a passion! Right now we r at my brothers cause she was sick BUTTTT now back to herself n we haven't spoken to each other today will b 2nd day. She drives n bathes herself she also goes walking with a lady friend that donates her time while I stay home n take care of the house n stuff. Right now we r off island at my brothers and we fought here....its sad it really is the GRUDGE that she holds is amazing n for some reason im ALWAYS TO BLAME!🤦🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

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score 0 · Answer 4

I dont work cause I take care of her full time. Yes it is hard living with someone that is like that! Always waking up with anxiety bcause I dont knw if she's In a good mood or not. Dunno its hard to explain sometimes. I wish ppl could see then they would know. Its ok cause its always gonna b something else next week she will Hve a problem with some other issue!🤦🏽‍♀️

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score 0 · Answer 5

I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this, Godisgood. May I ask what problems your mom has that prompted you to come live with her and care for her?

For myself, I would not want to live with a mean person but I could probably put up with some misbehavior for a limited amount of time if the person had dementia and couldn't help it. Has your mom always been kind of impossible? Could it be time to move out and try to assist her from a safe distance?

I hope you can find some good strategies for this situation!

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Thank you and mahalo snoopylove! Any support is better then none. But i will go back to docs (psychologist) it does help to talk to someone. Btw she takes anxiety n depression medication as well as others Diff kinds like blood press cholesterol sugar etc...,🌺

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How do I handle 85 year old parent that says nasty things to her daughter when arguing, always threatens me to leave and take money away?

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