Feeling hopeless. I don’t know what to do or think anymore.

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anonymous935402 Asked July 2019

Feeling hopeless. I don’t know what to do or think anymore.

Just found this site today, not even sure if this post will end up in the right place lol. IT WILL BE LONG. Sorry. Just looking for others who are going through something similar to my situation. I’m 31 , only child, and have been caring for my father for the last 2 years or so. We never have been close, as my parents divorced when I was 3. It all started going downhill in 2012 when he overdosed on drugs to which I had no idea he was even doing.....
from there he obviously had issues but I still kept my distance and was able to enjoy my life. Flash forward to 2017 I had him stay with my husband and I (for one he was so far gone on drugs and drinking) to get his hip replaced, every since then he’s been with us. Dr appointments after dr appointments. I’m his nurse I feel like. He’s legally blind, an addict, depression, and has had mini strokes so he’s not in the best health.... but I’m fortunate it’s not as bad RIGHT NOW as some of you are having to go through. Basically what I’m struggling with is finding him a place to live, selling his house.... realizing he has no friends here... I’m his only means of transportation and dr appointments... and I have to worry when he is no longer under my roof... him drinking or doing drugs again. My whole last 3 years have been caring for him and only him. My poor husband is about to go crazy but has been so understanding, I’m fortunate. Will this ever get better? My life use to be so carefree and fun and I feel like it never will be the same. I really have no choice if he goes back to his town he will just die due to drugs and not taking care of himself. My husband and I never even got to enjoy being newly weds ... or have a honeymoon cause of all of this. I’ll never be able to leave town and not worry if he has groceries or lonely ...feeling like I need to be there constantly to check on him. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Help!

Burnout Dad Family Caregiver

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score 2 · Answer 1

You asked, "Will this ever get better?" It will but only if you are willing to make some hard decisions.

First priority is to your marriage. Having your dad there is a drain on it. So far your hubby sounds like a saint, but for how much longer can you burn the candle on both ends for both he and your dad? Good comments below about looking into VA, Medicaid, etc. Maybe dad even becomes a ward of the state. Doesn't mean you don't care about him, just means you're a realist and love your husband and life and have correct priorities. You are not responsible for your dad's happiness. Get him settled elsewhere and move on together with your DH.

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score 3 · Answer 2

I commend you for attempting to take care of him. I know that this can be overwhelming. Especially when you are trying to have your own family and love your own husband. First ask him if he has been in the military? Alot of Veterans dont believe they qualify for assistance so they dont say anything about their time served. Also, if he is receiving SSi or some type of disability the department of health and human services in your town or his can help him get help and home care services that he needs. If he is still an addict or has never received help, he may need to be placed in a rehabi program to be helped in a way that he can function on his own. The house he lives in can be sold back to the bank. its called "Deed in Lieu". It sounds like you may need to reach out to a case manager in your area. Call his insurance company and have them connect you to a "Case manager". He/She should give you information even if its "respite care", Look into an Adult Daycare in your area. They are loaded with information that can qualify Dad for help. Hope this helps. Good Luck & God Bless.

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score 3 · Answer 3

Your father is not your child; he is your father. Apparently he has spent his whole life acting in such a childish and demanding way that he has convinced you that you are his parent, and hence should give up your life for him? Why? Why do you feel he is deserving of this sacrifice? I don't understand that. It is time for your father to move to an assisted living situation. If he cannot afford this after the sale of his home, then he may need to seek out other care. The mistake of moving him in with you is going to make moving him out very difficult. However, with the constant abuse of his body there WILL come a time when he will be hospitalized. On day one of that hospitalization I would inform social workers that you will not be accepting your father into your home again, that you are not physically or mentally able to care for him anymore. They can do more in placement and qualifying him in hours than you could do in weeks or months. Your other choice is to sacrifice your young life and your marriage on the altar of martyrdom, for which you will receive absolutely nothing but ruin, likely not even thanks, likely not even praise of any kind. The facts are hard. I think in the case of abusive parenting the child is made to feel so inadequate throughout life that that child will do ANYTHING in search of one or two words of praise which almost never occur. It is the only explanation I can see for the frequent desperate attempts on this forum of young people to lay down their own lives complete to husbands, wives, jobs, children to act only as a doormat to a person who is not deserving. Find a way, sit with your husband, go to see a licensed social worker who deals with life change issues and come up with a hard and fast plan to save your life and your marriage. Trust me, you deserve at LEAST that.

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score 1 · Answer 4

I get it. An only child *as I am* feels responsible for their parent(s), because there's nobody else around to help out. It's just the way it is. Psychological counseling won't help either, because you'll STILL be the only one who feels responsible for your addict father, right? Well, the way I see it, you have a choice here: you either continuing ruining the rest of your life & your marriage trying to fix a broken man who doesn't want 'fixing', or, you help him get placed elsewhere, and then you leave him to his own devices with your best wishes. If he doesn't have a boatload of money, you can help him apply for Medicaid; then you can help him find a group Assisted Living house where he'll get a bedroom in a house and live with several other people who also need assistance. The AL can usually arrange transportation to doctor appointments, etc. Being legally blind I can't imagine he'd be able to live in his own apartment. Another idea is to help him get set up in a motel; this is what we did with my brother-in-law who has more issues than Newsweek and is impossible to live with. He was not eligible for social security yet, but he did get a SSI disability check each month which was enough to get him a monthly motel room. The motel is close enough to the grocery store and the bus stop, and nowadays groceries can be delivered. He has actually been living there for 10 years now & he loves it. He has a hot plate to cook on, a tv set to watch, and he's as happy as he can possibly be. Talk to your dad & see what HIS goals in life are, and then decide what you can do to help him attain them. WithOUT giving up YOUR life in the process, or having him living inside of your home. You may worry some, but in the end, you will take your life back.
Best of luck!

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score 3 · Answer 5

What do you hope will happen? How would you like things to be?

Will any outcome you would be content with be possible unless your father decides for himself to head in that direction?

Put him in touch with a support team, then back away. It isn't just that you don't owe him anything. It's that you can give him everything you have, and it still won't be enough if he won't do it for himself. You have to recognise the limits of what's possible.

I would ask why you feel so personally responsible for your father's welfare, but I expect the answer would be extremely complicated, plus I doubt if you have figured it out accurately yourself. Are you getting any counselling or support from a therapist on that point? It wouldn't be a bad idea.

Your husband is a keeper, though. You were going through all this and he still married you? I'm not sure we on the forum would have recommended he do that! But I'm glad for you that he stuck to the plan.

Feel better, this will all be okay. Keep in touch.

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score 1 · Answer 6

I don't get why you are coming to his rescue like a white knight - it sounds as though he wasn't much more than a sperm donor and has been a user and abuser all his life. Nothing will get better until you walk away, you owe him nothing.

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Feeling hopeless. I don’t know what to do or think anymore.

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