My mother in decline and in SNF (Medicaid in Cal). Sister is limited in capacity for income (learning disabilities, but drives car, is unresourceful, refuses to use food bank) and now has own disease that leaves her exhausted after a 3.5 hr work day doing kitchen help. Family assumes I'll take her in but I don't have space in small home. Brother with SIL has 2 extra rooms cus two kids have moved out. He and SIL and other extended family members have assumed I would take her in. Argh! Oh and she is on California Medicaid like mom related to low income. She has always lived with mom. She is over 55 yrs old but not quite 60. Has a mid-size dog, argh...that can be limiting in possible room rental opportunities. Does from time to time have a behavior of entitlement. She would scoff at idea of working at Walmart. She was sharing room with me for a few months and now at sibling's using one empty room. I'm relieved but all are disowning me. They have walked over me and disrespected me for many years. So I'm also done with them too. Is becoming ward of the state possible in California?
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I said this is another post, said to say but Society still feels the woman in the family (you the sister) becomes the Caregiver. Who has sisters POA?
Don't take on a responsibility you are not ready for. Same with brother. Your sister is considered an emancipated person. Neither u or brother are responsible for her. Helping her find resources, yes. There are HUDD vouchers to help with rent. My nephew has an apartment on his own. He gets help from the State of NJ. He has SSD. He has a Special Needs Trust in place. Lets say Mom passes and the house is sold and proceeds split 3 ways. Sisters money can be put into Special Needs Trust that SS and other government agencies cannot be considered income. Problem, its limited how it can be spent. And if on Medicaid, when u pass the trust goes to offset what Medicaid paid out. Any monies left, go to a beneficiary.
There are things that can be done.
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I was kind of guilted into helping care for my disabled sister (which I would have done anyway). It was at my parent's house. My mother was afraid my sister would have been molested at a care facility, which would have been a big possibility.
Going to my parent's house every day and being on call 24 hours was hard. I made sure it did not hurt my family. I would help after I took my children to school and after we had dinner. All my children are very proud of what I did for my family.
SibNet is a remarkably thoughtful, nonjudgmental community of adult sisters and brothers of people who have disabilities. On SibNet, we share:
Concerns and challenges--but we also share insights and joys that only other sibs are likely to understand; and
Information about services, resources, and strategies that help members advocate for their brothers and sisters, themselves, and their families.
It is also a closed Facebook group.
It would be worthwhile to check out.
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You are being disowned because you won't let them manipulate you into doing what they want done. As hard as it is, good riddance.
I don't have any sympathy for someone that has entitlement issues and can do what they want except work and support themselves. I think that you do all you can to survive and then you are entitled to help. Not you get help so you can do whatever you want.
If she is so incompetent she should not be driving risking other people.
It is so sad when parents enable their children to be unproductive because they have challenges that they have to work hard to overcome. My BIL is a perfect example of how you can ruin a person by letting them use any excuse to not grow up and learn how to be productive members of society.
I am cheering for you! Keep saying no and be happy that you are not being manipulated by your siblings anymore. You can do it!
You aren’t obligated to take your sister in. I sympathize with you here. I know she’s your sister and I know your mom has enabled her for years. I’ve got a brother with a 9th grade education and my mother has enabled him for years, he won’t work. He would never work at wal mart or McDonald’s even though that’s all he’s qualified for. There seems to be an expectation that we siblings will take over responsibility when our parents are gone. I refuse to do it.
A ward of state.... how intellectually disabled is she? For her to become a *ward*, specifically, she would have to be incapable of exercising autonomy. And if she's driving and holding down even a part-time job, I can't see that.
But she is still entitled to support. Does she have her own social worker, do you know?
PS - this seems to be the starting point
https://ehsd.org/elderly-disabled/information-assistance/
If you speak to them yourself, make sure that they understand that your sister has a learning disability and health issues in addition.
I know here in MN you can become a ward of the state because we did that with my stepFIL, but not sure how it works in CA, or how long it will take. The county had to first find my stepFIL a "vulnerable adult" and then the wheels were set in motion for ward-hood. But you should know that your sister and family will have absolutely no say in any further decisions regarding her life and care if it goes that way. From that point the state decides everything.
Can your sister go into a group home? Can you contact a church to see if anyone would be willing to take her in if siblings provide some of the rent? If I were you I would not let her into your home, especially since you mentioned some of her personality issues. I'm sorry she is now ill as well. But depending on what illness she has, and the fact that she's aging, her care will just increase over time. Once she is in your home for (not sure how much time in CA) then you won't be able to get her out without a legal eviction notice, if things go sour.
Based on your post it is apparent you really don't want to do this, so I wouldn't. Caretaking is hard enough without starting from a negative spot to begin with. I would call a serious family meeting between yourself and other siblings (but not sick sister) so that you can discuss things openly and unemotionally and just try to problem solve. But stand your ground. Often well-meaning people who lurch into care taking have no clue what they are signing up for, and the others standing by and watching have no idea how taxing it is. Unless they really step up to the plate, I wouldn't do it. And promising to do something is not the same as actually carrying it out. You won't be able to enforce any agreements after the fact if they don't or can't hold up their ends of the agreement. It already sounds like they aren't respectful of your life so it probably won't get any better once they think you've "solved" their sister problem. Make some suggestions for a solution but be prepared for their pressure and anger when they find out there's no quick and easy and permanent solution. Their anger won't last forever and then you can go on with your life. They might actually have more respect for your when they find out you're not a doormat. Wishing you well!