Background: Grandmother is 81, lives alone in her own house about 15 minutes from my parents. We have tried for years to have her move closer, move to assisted living, or have a family member move in with her, but she adamantly refuses. She refuses to use any medical alert systems, and threw away the last one my mother bought her. She cannot drive. She broke her hip last year, and is able to walk but only for short distances.
Current situation: Over the past few years, my grandmother has been increasingly nasty to family members. She has destroyed her relationship with one daughter (my aunt). My mother has become her primary care giver, and my grandmother has pushed away every other family member. My mother does all her bills, brings her groceries, literally does everything for my grandmother. Recently, my grandmother has become increasingly belligerent with my mother. She is calling my mother names and making up stories. My grandmother has been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression, and prescribed medications. However, she continues to go on and off her depression medications, which exacerbates the issue. She has threatened her own life - this past weekend telling my mother “I wish I had the guts to blow my f***ing brains out.”
I am at a loss of what advice to give my mother. She is in turmoil every day, concerned to do too much or too little. She is suffering from extreme guilt. I honestly feel the relationship between them has become severely manipulative and verbally/emotionally abusive. I am curious if anyone has had a similar issue and what steps were taken. At this point, I feel like my mother is sacrificing her mental well-being to placate the toxic nature of my
grandmother. I am deeply concerned for both of them and any advice is appreciated!
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This will get her put in a psychiatric hospital or ward to get some treatment. I would encourage mom to do it everytime immediately.
I hate that type of manipulation and I think that going to a psych ward will help. My mom quit after she found out that you are considered mentally unstable when you say that garbage.
Tell your mom that she matters and does not need to take any more abuse from this person. Of course she feels bad and wants to help, but sometimes family, especially offspring are not the solution for what ails someone. Especially when they are being abused. There is never a justifiable reason to abuse another human being. Giving birth or donating sperm doesn't give anyone the right to abuse another.
Hugs, this is a terrible situation for all.
What you can do is ground your mother in the reality of this situation. There is little you can do with Grandma that will not involve kicking and screaming. If all of you are lucky she will pass away before that is necessary, or before she completely destroys the lives she is working so hard on destroying. Go with your mom to a Licensed Social Worker who deals with end of life and life change problems. Your Mom needs ways to deal. Support her. And tell her "I love you and you are a wonderful Mom".
So sorry, but Grandma has never been any different than she is now. One can only hope that she gets her wish, and is able to exit this life peacefully; she isn't happy to be here.
At the point that Grandma is completely destroying the lives of those around her with her threats, I agree with Isthisrealyreal below. Call and say Grandma is suicidal. She may need placement for her own safety and for the ongoing health of your family in all truth.
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Hopefully, your mom can get grandma to the ER one of these days for an evaluation and let them know she lives alone & is acting in an unhinged manner. In the meantime, I think it's a great idea for your mom to delegate the errands she runs for her mother to others, at least for awhile. In other words, cut down the exposure to the Energy Vampire. She has to set down some rules & boundaries for HER sake, otherwise, grandma WILL ruin her life and she'll wind up getting sick herself! Your mom should make some hard rules that she will not break, ie: I will go over there on Mondays and bring groceries and stay for 10 minutes or until the verbal abuse begins. I will then say, Mother, I am leaving because you are treating me in an abusive manner that I REFUSE to tolerate, goodbye. That sort of thing.
This stuff is what nightmares are made of. There's no 'easy' way to handle the torture chamber these women put us through. But having some hard rules to follow DOES help; it's helped me deal with my toxic mother without suffering a huge amount of guilt. She brings it on HERSELF, I'm just protecting ME in the process. In reality, 40% of caregivers wind up dying BEFORE the person they're trying to care for!! Terrible, huh? Don't let your mom become a statistic; send her to this website and for therapy as well, if possible.
GOOD LUCK!!!
As someone on another post described it - you are running 24/7 on the hamster wheel and it is never enough. It does not matter what you do, they will not be happy. They will NEVER BE HAPPY.
I will Pray for your Mother and I would advise she take a break. Seek advice from an eldercare attorney and a therapist. She must establish a team of support if she chooses to continue down this long hard road. This is too much for just one person. Firm boundaries are a must!
They will take her and hold her against her will and hopefully if you can make the powers that be believe you, they will hopefully find some med or something that can calm her.
My mother used the suicide threat CONSTANTLY all my life. It's a cruddy way to raise kids....blame...shame...I'll kill myself and THEN you'll feel bad. I heard that weekly for 25 years, I kid you not. Finally at age 30(!) I called her on it. Said "Please, please, please DO kill yourself and let's quit playing this sick game. Don't leave a mess, though".
For some reason this tactic only 'worked' on my YYB and me. The other 4 kids just ignored her.
At 81...don't hold out too great hopes that an antidepressant can help--more likely something to calm her down and some better anger management tactics.
Sadly, in my case, I have had to walk away from my mother almost completely. Not proud of it, and sorry it went this way, but I have passed all care of her off to my other 4 sibs. 63 years of her dramas have done enough damage. Your poor mom--she needs a break.
At that point you/ your mom can say that she is not safe in her house alone.
She will not be released to her home unless there is someone there or she would be released to a facility where she can be monitored and kept safe.
This is going to be difficult for your mom and she will feel terrible for doing this but it is for her safety as well as your grandma's. By safety I am talking about personal/physical safety as well as mental. As with all things it might get worse before it gets better.
Hang in there, give your Mom a hug..and giving her a hug you will get one back and you deserve a hug.
See if there are any things your mom does for Grandma that can be taken over by someone else, such as a grocery delivery service. They can leave the groceries by the door if grandma won’t let them in. It should be explained to the other family members that Mom is in dire straits and needs their help, even though Grandma is the one they’d be doing it for. What they do they would be doing for Mom, not for toxic grandma.
If at any point Grandma should be hospitalized, she absolutely needs to be evaluated. The staff should be aware that Grandma has severe mental issues and needs help.
Once you find out what the problem is, then Mom can set some boundries.
There are hotlines to call:
Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA) 1-800-445-8106. Services for Family Caregivers – lots of hotlines! Veterans Affairs (VA) – National Caregiver Support 1-855-260-3274. Alzheirmer’s Foundation of America 1-866-232-8484. Alzheimer’s Association 1-800-272-3900.
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