Moving day stress. Any suggestions?

In reading all the comments, I’ve dealt with some aspect of all of this with my own mother who is now 89. 15 years ago, I (her son) moved my mother down to Florida to live with me; I deliberately bought a bigger house so that she could maintain one side of it. It worked great for the first few years, but the last 5 became a gradual hell. Hospital visits and doctor appointments slowly became obsessive and unnecessary, for root cause was often associated with behavior and attention, and not clinical. Nonetheless, her diabetes had really put her at a breaking point physically and mentally, and she wanted me there all the time to wait on her. She’s threatened suicide in front of my family (she went to psych ward), went missing in the 100+ heat for attention... on and on. Ultimately, my mom went from my home to assisted living to a nursing home all in just 6 months. Very draining as a caregiver of two (I care for another family member as well, but I’ll digress on that here).

Kudos for having your POA in place...
that’s a huge accomplishment to have in place already.

As a patient, my mother is completely non-compliant... in her words, she can self diagnose just fine since ‘she used to be in the medical field’ (not true) and she knows what’s best for her body. Nonetheless, she wants to see every specialist she can. But when she has needed something, I have to be there. That ‘presence’ comes at a tsunamic emotional and physical cost to a caregiver if left unchecked. 

First, I agree with having either a primary care or pharmacist review current meds. I don’t think doctors generally take a concerted look at meds often enough, particularly when specialists intervene by adding/changing meds for specific ailments and not thinking through conflicts. This could have helped with the transition to assisted living. 

If your elderly parent is diabetic, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of monitoring sugar levels and regular control of insulin. My mother insisted that she could manage it on her own, and she absolutely could not. But she also refused to let anyone help. This took a long while for me to help her get a handle on, but looking back it’s probably helped the most. She’s now in a nursing home, and she’s lost a lot of extra fluid and weight and at 89 looks better than she has looked and felt in the past 5 years.

Lastly, I want to clarify some of the comments made re: moving day. I don’t think the strategy of ‘stop talking her into it’ is quite the right message.... but I think that I understand the intent. My mom did exactly the same thing prior to moving to assisted living. She didn’t want to go, right on moving day. In response, I was very direct but calm: I reminded her that she picked this location and that she has made the decision, and that we had both gone through a lot of planning for the move. I also reminded her that while her living with me over the years was fine, I couldn’t provide the level of care that she needed anymore. I still got the rebuttals and guilt trips, but I anchored to my logic with her every time I responded. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. And as I prepare, today, to visit her in the nursing home (rated one of best in state), I just prepare myself for the next rebuttal and guilt trip. Like one respondent said - just know, there is nothing that you will ever do from this point going forward that will ever make them truly happy. This is part of the aging process, and the more we can accept that as caregivers for our parents, the more progress we can provide for all - we help our parents move on, we help ourselves move on, and we have the best chance (not guarantee, but chance) of maintaining that parental bond as best as we humanly can.

None of what I said above is easy. I am living proof, for my caregiving experiences have been life altering in every way. But I am finally at a point where I know how to move forward for myself and live more for me and not just for others.

Best of luck!

I am on the other side! I read every answer on this forum, and did a combo. Mom began to understand she needed to go somewhere. Her house was too big, she didn't like the caregivers I hired, she was running out of money (not exactly - but it is very expensive if you plan to live to 100!) and she was lonely. Found a great place - memory care but in a group of houses so very homey and interactive. We talked about what she would take. I knew when she was leaving but I didn't spend a lot of time reminding her (she would forget) although I did mark it on her calendar (as she requested). The day of, her Day caregiver (and friend) and I came from her house to my house for lunch. Then she moved into her new place after lunch. In between I had the appropriate furniture, clothing, makeup, towels, etc moved and when she got to her new place - it looked like home! Did she love it? Sort of. She has had her ups and downs but as you will find, it is absolutely the best thing I have done for her. Mine was a mix of tell, don't tell, plan and don't plan depending on Moms mood. She is 96!
It isn't all perfect. I have to keep an eye on her and she does have episodes of "bad behavior" - but I know she is safe, gets her meds, gets food and is with people who know how to take care of people with dementia.
Good luck! This forum was my help (and the wonderful people at the community who told me "I" would be ok!)

I agree with the others here, stop trying to convince her. She might agree in one moment then POOF. All gone....

I finally got my mom in assisted living after a bad fall. Straight from the hospital. Dad had dementia so I had to use a bit of trickery. I’d take him to have lunch and dinner with mom then on about the 4 day of this told him I needed him to stay and help mom for a while. He bought that but we had several weeks of hell and back with dad trying to find his car and go home. It took about 3 months for him to start forgetting about the car and home and he finally settled in.

Someone asked a question like yours about a month ago. I remembering writing that when I first came to this forum, when people would post that their LO was adamantly against relocating, others would advise “tricking” them, like saying they were going out to lunch, going to lunch at the facility, showing their loved one their “new place” and then leaving.

Have Mom’s room set up with some some of her favorite, familiar things. Be positive about the move. Mom will be furious and try to lay many guilt trips on you. Enlist the help of the staff. They’ve done this many times before. Follow their advice about visiting. Keep in mind that you are doing this to keep her safe and cared for. It is not easy. This whole process of dealing with dementia in a loved one is not easy. But, unfortunately, it’s a fact of life. No doubt it stinks, but it has to be. Good luck and come back often.

Stop the continued discussions to remind her of the move. It is only causing more anxiety for both of you. Mom liked and approved of the home, hold onto that and get it done.

And everything Joy said.

Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and do it! IMO Joy is right, stop talking to her about it. If you do dwell on the positives, like she can make new friends, participate in the activities and so on. I imagine right now she is panicking, When she gets there, give the home some time to acclimate her to her new surroundings, translated don't go there everyday, don't try and micromanage everything, she is going to beg to go home, try and manipulate you by complaining about everything. It is difficult, but it is the best thing for your mom, and, that is what it is all about. Good Luck!

Yout may need to move her stuff while to take her for a ride. Get her room set up, then show her the new place. Leaving her there is a hard thing to do, but they handle this well. Give her a few days to get adjusted.

Before moving day, make lists of things to do, what to bring - make sure the furniture you are bringing fits into the new space. Don't bring too much, less is better if she is a fall hazard. If possible try to set up the new space like the current one to avoid extra confusion. I even stayed the first night and slept on the couch, because yes, it can be scary to be in a strange place all alone with a bunch of strangers. Remind her that these people are here to help and care for her. Show her how to push the "help" button, and do it a couple of times to "test" the system. I know it is very difficult and heart breaking at times, but put yourself in her shoes. Strangers dressing you and helping you in the bathroom/shower.

I just finished with the move and set-up with my mom for the SEVENTH time in 3 1/2 years, but this last one was due to A & B at the facility, so I had to get her out of there, and she didn't fight me on this one.
The original one was horrible, but she was a danger to herself and others, so DHS stepped in and I had the legal power to make it happen.  After the first 6 weeks, she was ready for a move to the next facility where she was for nearly two years until she was ready to leave that one when they wouldn't take care of safety issues, and I was concerned for her well-being there.  The next one was okay for about a year until the A & B occurred.  So...been there, done that numerous times.  Doesn't make it easier, but things change and it has to happen to assure safety for the person affected and their family/friends/neighbors.

No doubt this move has already happened. If not, I wouldn't keep rehearsing it as it just ratchets up her anxiety.